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Why do I stay with the husband I know is cheating !

Updated on February 27, 2016

I have to share my secrets with someone, or else I shall burst!

I must tell someone my secrets, I have to. I can contain them no longer. It just has not been easy to look upon my husband with eyes of love lately, I have always been quite discrete ... especially in to how I really feel. That bird flew out the window this Monday with the last set of nudes I happened to have spied that were sent for his perusal from that wo(unto)man ( might I mention as I nimbly whisked the phone from the hands of my 5 year-old son to avoid him seeing them as he searched for a car racing game on daddy's phone). I could call her so many names.


My desire to curse her soul to the oblivion of Hades is unrivalled, I imagine myself blasting open her front door with a posse of full-blooded Helga's as we surround her and give her a sound thrashing. I imagine her begging for mercy for ruining my marriage, but...
I know it's not her fault altogether. He invites the advances. He takes the phone calls. He promises to meet her. He appears for her birthday parties.
Yes, parties. She has been around for three and a half years, seven years if you count how long I have worked in the same building with her. We passed each other in the narrow hallways regularly, I admired her hair, she admired my happiness.
So, why do I stay?

Always a question from the piously indignant SHE-RAH.

Well, I grew up with a mother that tried to pretend that I did not exist, for if I did, then she would have to hate me for ending her marriage. My father, who now adores me, then did not desire a second child. By the time my second birthday came around my father was engaged to a bottle of scotch and my mother betrothed to bitterness. She finally absconded from his physical and verbal brutality with myself and my sister one day when he went to work and left my father with a plate, a spoon, a pillow, two bedsheets and a roll of toilet paper and, to this day, she thought herself generous.
I was raised with the constant reminder of the unrelenting harshness this world meets upon single parenthood and while I felt empathy for my mother, my only source of love, I also endured the effects and stigma of single parenthood from the standpoint of a child. It broke me in many ways, to many.
Why, and how, would I willingly do that to not only my five-year-old son but also to my three-year-old daughter.
He may be lousy at fidelity, but he is a committed father.
How could I deny them that love. How would I willingly turn myself into my mother.
So thus it begins........... my journey of admissions, discussions and self-realization, a journey I have invited you to, dear reader.


Simply because I have begun to slowly realize that I am not alone.
Yes ladies, I do have a mirror. The gaze that pierces me whenever I peer into it I sadly begin to recognize in many eyes I encounter, and as the saying goes "the eyes never lie".
You have a friend.

Now please excuse me, we shall continue another day. I must go to check on the children so they don't happen to scamper down the halls while I inspect the third phone he thinks I know nothing about.

p.s- to the indignant among you...... be kind.


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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 24 months ago

      You said: "I know it's not her fault altogether."

      The reality is (she) never exchanged wedding vows with you!

      Your husband is the (only one) who truly betrayed you.

      Cheating is a conscious (choice) not a "mistake".

      You went onto to say the following:

      "I also endured the effects and stigma of single parenthood from the standpoint of a child. It broke me in many ways, to many."

      It's now 2016 and the divorce rate hovers around 50%. Trust me when I say there is no longer a "stigma" regarding being a single parent.

      If your husband is truly a committed father he won't stop being so just because he lives apart from his children.

      Many divorced couples co-parent very well.

      You are staying with your husband for the same reason he is staying with you! Whatever unhappiness there is in your marriage neither one of you feels it rises to the level of running down to the courthouse to file for divorce!

      Most cheaters have no desire to replace one relationship with another. People cheat in order to STAY or tolerate their marriage.

      The goal of most cheaters is to hold onto all that is "good" while addressing their other "needs" on the side.

      For example lets say there is a husband whose wife no longer has sex with him or she stopped doing something in loves in bed.

      He basically has 3 options once he realizes she is not going to change.

      1. He accepts the fact his sex life is over/learns to do without whatever.

      2. He could run down to the courthouse, file for divorce, move out of his home into a one bedroom apartment, become a weekend dad, lower his living standards, pay child support and possibly alimony, divide up friends and family members as they choose sides.

      3. Find woman on the side who will sex as often and how it wants it.

      Most married men in this situation is likely to go with option #3 especially when you consider cheaters don't expect to be caught!

      Essentially the cheater is saying the lack of a passionate sex life in his marriage is not enough of reason to file for divorce. However by the same token he is not prepared to live out (his) days that way.

      According to statistics in the it is (women) who initiate 66% or 2/3rds of all (divorce filings) in the U.S. Even the friends of a mistress often warn her: "The husband never leaves his wife."

      A lot of the divorce filings by women is attributed to them having better career opportunities and higher income than women in the 1950s, 60s, 70s and so on. The more options one has the less crap that put up with!

      Each of us is entitled to have our "deal breakers".

      However there is often "societal pressure" for everyone to say being cheated on is (their) "deal breaker" and those who stay are "fools".

      There no such thing as a "universal deal breaker". Whatever you or I can imagine there is someone living under those conditions who has no plans to go anywhere. The reality is many women do stay!

      Wives of JFK, RFK, MLK, and Bill Clinton never left their husbands either. Clearly they didn't stay due to financial reasons because they would have been rich on their own or financially well of to avoid poverty.

      There is no stigma for a woman who leaves a cheating husband!

      Perhaps these women stay for the oldest reason of them all. They were still "in love" with their husbands. Maybe they secretly hoped the men were just going through a phase. Some may have been content with the fact that they were the "Mrs." and every other woman is a side piece.

      Lastly there are women who dread the idea of getting back into the "dating scene". They'd rather stay with "the devil they know".

      Some women engage in revenge cheating or have affairs of their own.

      Ultimately in the end you have to be true to yourself.

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them as (is) or move on. No one is "stuck" with anyone!

      If you're unhappy and choose to stay you're choosing to be unhappy.

      A door lets those who want in (in) and those who want out (out).

      Best wishes!