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Icing on the Cake- A Vent about Loving and Respecting Yourself in a Relationship and What I've Learned

Updated on May 20, 2020
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Caila went to Meremac-STL for journalism and has been writing for most of her life.

Icing on the Cake - A Vent

So, lately I’ve seen so many things that make me question intelligence and how people retain information after they’ve learned a hard lesson or have seen a hard lesson learned by someone else they’re close to. I feel like my Granny always internalized in me having a strong will, especially when it comes to relationships and men. She ALWAYS told me things that she felt like I needed to know, whether I understood what she meant at the time or not. Even when I didn't understand what she was saying, it would hit me later when I finally did go through what she was speaking of before. Lesson learned, now I don't have to go through that anymore. But what I have seen from other people is just blatant ignorance at this point, and not only in just my girlfriends, but some of my male friends as well.

When I was younger and my Granny told me not to put no one before myself and to always love me no matter what, it didn't get to me the way it does since I am older and wiser now. While that may sound selfish to some, it makes complete and utter sense to me now. In relationships especially, I see alot of my friends putting their companions (not their wife/husband, but just a boyfriend/girlfriend) before their own emotional and mental health. Going through unnecessary changes, BS, and problems that they dont have to, simply for the sake of “the relationship” as if it was a good one to begin with. Some may do it for companionship, some out of loneliness or not wanting to be alone ever, some for money, some for the kids, and other irrelevant reasons that make me sad. A lot of the “reasons” are just excuses to remain in a relationship that isn’t working and isn’t even bringing anything but emotional and mental distress to you. But they want it that bad though.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve been through my fair share of BS from dudes who didn’t even deserve to touch me or for me to give them the time of day, but I feel like I always try to learn from what I’ve been through in the past and project it onto my newer situations that I go through afterwards. I apply what happened last time, I take my feelings and emotions away from the situation if I have to, and I try to keep my cool. In the beginning of my current relationship I wanted to apply the things that I had learned from my mistakes in some of my past relationships. So my guy and I didn't really do anything sexual (not even a kiss) for MONTHS! I was actually quite surprised at how long I lasted and how long he was still interested in me for without me giving him my body or money or anything like that. He literally wanted to take me out on dates, court me, make me feel special, kiss my hand, hold doors, and all the bare minimum stuff that most men don’t even think about doing. He treated me like the lady that I acted like and wanted to be treated like. I respect myself and my energy and that made him respect me as well and from there we kept afloat at the sea that are relationships.

Some of the things that I am seeing a lot in today’s dating world and society is that women/men not only want sex within the first moments of meeting you, but they EXPECT it. A few drinks, maybe a blunt, and a kickback and they think that’s all it takes to get what they need out of you. Why? Because they’ve come across a few women who gave it up on the first night before, or heard about it from somebody else, and expected it from every single girl he ever met afterwards. And I have been through that myself, and ruined some relationships that I really probably wanted to work out at the time just by not respecting myself and my body. I didn't even know you and I’m just finna f*ck you?! WOW!!! And now I’m mad because that’s what he thinks I am? NO! I can’t play victim like this and get mad at him, if I’m being honest with myself. And that was a big lesson that I had to learn. Be honest with yourself. Stop feeding yourself what you want to hear and give yourself the truth. If you love yourself or anybody else for that matter, you’re gonna be truthful with them. So I had to change up the pattern of what I was doing and what I was thinking was making me attractive to men, when it’s really not.

So along with not lying to myself about what situations are, I had to start learning what it was to really care for myself first. That meant anything from actual physical things like skin care and buying myself things to make myself feel nice, to mental things like not talking to people who mentally exhaust me all the time, recognizing who wasn’t adding to my life, cutting back on how much energy I gave certain people who could never do the same for me in return, all the way down to emotional things, like figuring out who I am as a person, why I react the way I do, what is my trauma and triggers. This all helped me come to know the person that I am now and care about her more. Some people disrupt my energy so much even just with the things that they say and I know that and acknowledge that and not talk to them as much. Or I have to spend more time with myself to learn about what I like and don’t like as a human. It’s all sorts of things that you can do. During this pandemic, it’s brought so much to light for me, with who cares for themselves, who doesn’t, and who is okay with being with themselves for longer than a week or two. I adore my own company more than others sometimes and it’s almost intoxicating because you can grow to like yourself more than you like to be around others who aren’t on the same wavelength as you.

In those alone times, moments of thought with just yourself, that is where you find that you don’t NEED anybody!!! You find a piece of yourself and it feels amazing! I know people who would put up with anything just to have something. That makes me sad for them, but it also makes me want to question them. Like when are you going to care about yourself more than the person who is treating you horribly for no reason? I know women who would rather have a man in the house just for “in house sex” and who provides absolutely nothing now and ain’t getting better, as well as causing mental and emotional damage with cheating, going through phones (that she paid for) and a load of other toxic behaviors that make no sense, than to just be alone and do things on her own. I know men who have toxic girlfriends who can say and do anything to them at any given time, due to their astonishing amount of insecurities with herself, and no matter what they’re gonna try to “fix the person” because they’re “in love” and think “it can work”. Meanwhile, literally every month it’s a new story on how crappy she acted this time because of something that was out of either of their control, because her insecurity told her to act out. These moments depress me for my friends, because I just could NEVER let somebody treat me shitty anymore at this day and age.

I am 28 years old! I am too old to be giving my all to somebody that’s not doing the same for me or the relationship. I’m too old to be getting played by men who don’t even bring anything to the table besides sex (like their company isn’t even anything to behold). I am too old to be telling you what you need to be doing in a relationship and how you should be acting. I am too old to deal with your extreme problems with yourself or whatever you have not dealt with in the past that is bothering you. I’m not going through phones. I’m not doing no crazy out of the way stuff to see where you’ve been. I’m not chasing no man!!! I’m not even lightly jogging for these losers out here nowadays. I have seen and been through too much than to let some mother’s son f*ck me over and make me feel like crap. That can eat away at you and change you as a person and make you feel like it is what you deserve when you don’t realize that you deserve much better! Most people deserve love, respect, and kindness. So why don’t you think you should get that out of your partner? Hard times do call for tough people, but your partner really shouldn’t be the one causing your hard times, especially not on purpose like I’ve seen before. It just always makes me wonder what they’ve been through that makes them feel that they aren’t worthy of being treated right?! I can understand having issues in relationships but when the problems are absolutely toxic, why fight tooth and nail for it rather than just accepting that it’s not for you and maybe they’re not meant for anybody, least of all, you!

That’s what I have ended up chalking up a lot to for some of my exes. You’re not meant for me. You’re really not meant for anybody and you aren’t deserving of love at all until you know what it is to give it in return, which they may not, and it isn’t my job to teach it to you either. I can’t be held accountable and waste years of my life for someone that provides me with nothing whatsoever but misery. And yes, misery STAYS loving company and that’s just that on that. A miserable person is not meant for any relationship. And it just amazes me that we are this old and some people have yet to figure that out. They’d rather take anything just to have something. And I couldn't be more different. I am very intolerant to even speak to a f*ckboy now, and I can spot them from a mile away from clues and hints they drop. No matter what a person will say, there’s always a sign in the beginning that something is wrong with somebody. If you look, pay attention, and stay honest with yourself and don’t try to look over the obvious warning signs that tend to pop up within the first month of dating or courtship. I stray completely away from them because I want nothing to do with them anymore, or people who I know are toxic in that way when it comes to love and relationships. Our minds have to match up in some way or another.

I saw a quote one day and finally used it as a FB status and enhanced it recently. My FB status said “Once you FIGURE OUT your exact type of person you want to be with in a relationship and ACCEPT NOTHING BUT THAT in your life when dating, the people who aren’t THAT won’t even be attractive to you anymore. It might take a while and you might be single for a while for not wanting to around mfs that ain’t sh*t but you’ll be wiser and better for it. It’ll also be easier for you to discern a f*ckperson from the man/woman of your dreams when in that “getting to know you/talking” stage (for some that last 2 years constantly getting your feelings hurt).” You’re expecting more out of someone than they can give to you and you know it. That hope is what’s hurting you when you know you should be letting go. I just would rather be alone than deal with mentally, emotionally or physically taxing relationships that drain me daily. And that goes for relationships, friendships or family. It’s for any relationship at all.

It’s not selfish to give a damn about yourself. And I mean why not?! The person doing you wrong cares about themselves!!! CLEARLY asf! Lol! You have to care about yourself just as much, if not more than the next person. There’s a difference between self care and selfishness. It’s not even that thin of a line really, but people who want you to only give a crap about them while they don’t care about your needs and wants in the relationship will make you feel like you’re being a selfish person. Discernment is one of the finest tools you can have as a person, and I just wish that a lot of people had that power and the courage to just accept themselves rather than trying to force a life with another person where it’s not even working in the most normal of ways. As an adult you have to learn to love yourself and put yourself first in most situations, simply because who will if you won’t? That’s a big message here. We’re all grown here and we all need to care about the way we’re treated more. Nobody, and I mean, NOBODY, will respect you if you don’t learn to respect yourself first.


Have you ever been in a toxic relationship before that you felt you couldn't get out of?

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    • dashingscorpio profile image


      12 months ago from Chicago

      Know yourself, Love yourself, Trust yourself.

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      Each of us has our own mate selection/must haves list.

      Each of us has our own boundaries and "deal breakers".

      The truth is nothing happens until YOU say "yes" to someone.

      If someone is having one bad dating/relationship experience after another it's probably time for them to reexamine their mate selection process. When (we) change our circumstances change.

      If you go to the grocery store to purchase an apple but buy an onion instead whose fault is that? Do you curse the onion for not being an apple? No! You learn to become a "better shopper".

      During our youth very few of us took the time to do any introspective thinking to figure out who (we) are let alone what we want and need in a mate for life. Many of us allowed "impulsive connections" and "happenstance" to dictate our relationship choices.

      It's almost the equivalent of going shopping without a list!

      When it comes to love and relationships most of us (fail our way) to success. Very few people hit a homerun their 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or 4th time up at bat. If this were not the case we would all be married to our high school sweethearts!

      More often than not it's not about "right" or "wrong" but rather "agree" and "disagree". The goal is finding someone who wants the same thing as you. Sadly most of us don't figure that out until late in life. We try to earn love and approval from others.

      Oftentimes we didn't value love which came easily. We tended to put "nice guys/girls" in the "friend zone".

      Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.

      The goal is to find someone who (already is) what you want.

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. We either get what we want or learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them (as is) or move on.

      No one is "stuck" with anyone! Suffering is optional.

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

      - Oscar Wilde


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