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If You Want Facts, Use Google, I’m More Of A Conversation Starter!

Updated on March 22, 2011


I have never been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder or a learning disability. I prefer to think of myself as people used to put it, “simple minded.” While I realize that the old definition of these words meant someone who was mentally challenged (and I’m not ruling out that I’m not) I prefer to take it at its literal face value. I am simply a person who can only grasp simple concepts. I don’t understand stocks and bonds and I don’t think I have a solution for the situation in Libya. In fact, just writing the word, “situation” only makes me think of Mike from Jersey Shore so you can get an idea of where I’m coming from here. I read things all day long online, newsy kinds of things and yet when I go to tell someone what I’ve read, I’m hard pressed when it comes to repeating details or real facts. If there’s a number quoted in an article then I quote it off by at least a trillion or something. I like to think that I’m just making the story more entertaining but in reality I need to come to the realization (as well as everyone around me) if you want facts, use Google, I’m more of a conversation starter! – Don’t Get Me Started!

I’m a strong believer that it “takes all kinds” to make the world go round. So while I’m delighted that there are Einsteins out there, changing the way we understand our world, I think my job as a small talk specialist should not be underestimated. I’m a hell of a lot of fun at parties and some of the most educated people are dull as dirt. I know we’re supposed to find them “fascinating” but the truth of the matter is that although they know how to purify water by simply using their underwear and a limestone rock or something the truth of the matter is that I could easily go to my grave not knowing this “startling” information.  Meanwhile as they’re telling me the story I’m just wondering if it’s 2xist underwear or if you can get away with Jockeys when purifying so you don’t ruin perfectly good/gay underwear? I guess I sort of consider myself a mime in the intellectual world. But mimes serve a purpose, don’t they? If it weren’t for mimes who would we make fun of?  I mean really, would you know how funny they aren’t  if it weren’t for seeing someone whose only skills are acting as if they’re walking against the wind or being trapped in a box? There’s value there my friends (you just have to act as if you can see it!)

So when I begin a sentence with, “I just read…” know that you may or may not be getting some factual information. But you see I’m not really trying to enlighten just trying to entertain or start a conversation. Do you think anyone listens to the flamenco guitar Charo is playing? The facts are the guitar and I’m the “coochy coochy” playing it. Get it?

So don’t start an argument with me or tell me that I got the facts all wrong. I don’t care about facts. And when you think about it, can’t the same be said for a lot of folks besides just me? The difference is that I don’t try and act like I’m an expert. For example, I get that a lot of people think everything that is in the bible actually happened but have you ever noticed how many different interpretations there are that people spout even when they’ve supposedly read the same version? Everything in life is open to interpretation. Sort of like, “I didn’t lie to you I just didn’t tell you everything.” Or “You look good today.”

There will always be “smarties” because people have an innate nature that makes them want to learn about things. I happen to have a spouse that went to college at 16, he’s one of those “smarties” but I don’t hold it against him so he shouldn’t hold it against me that I have no idea where Canada is located. My mother has always told me, “Do what you know.”Well even though I know very little I’m going to continue to do it and if you want facts, use Google, I’m more of a conversation starter! – Don’t Get Me Started!


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    • TheMoneyGuy profile image

      TheMoneyGuy 6 years ago from Pyote, TX


      Very Funny piece, it really does take all kinds.


    • Sharyn's Slant profile image

      Sharon Smith 6 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

      I totally agree with Earth Angel "humor is a gift of intelligence all its own." You definitely have this gift.

      Fun read ~ thanks!


    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 6 years ago from Las Vegas

      Doug - Ha! Love it! We are the storytellers and we are the dreamers of dreams! (Or something like that) And thanks for watching the video - new one up today.

      Char - Thanks, adore you!

      EA - Wow, that all makes much more sense to me now, thanks! ;)

    • Earth Angel profile image

      Earth Angel 6 years ago

      Dearest Greatest Scott,

      Don't under estimate yourself smarty pants! Humor is a gift of intelligence all its own!

      FYI: Tidy-whities down there come from Canada up there!

      You're just the BEST!

      Have a GREAT day! EarthAngel!

    • profile image

      charlotte raby 6 years ago

      LOVE it! You're so right.

    • profile image

      Doug 6 years ago

      PS. "But she liked MY version better" is what I meant to say, forgive my sloppy post here, I should proofread before hitting that damn button :)

    • profile image

      Doug 6 years ago

      Haha!! Scott, this was a funny piece, very well said. You don't know this, but we are kindred spirits. Just this past weekend, I was visiting my sister who asked me if I saw last week's "Hot in Cleveland"; I said I did, and recounted the episode (in my typical fashion) & she had a good laugh and said she was sorry she missed it. So last night she calls me & says her husband dvr'd the show & she got to see it--it wasn't as funny as I made it out to be, but she liked your version better." I told her (for the 4,313th time since we were kids) that I'm not a reporter, I'm not going to stand there and drone facts or dialogue verbatim without putting my spin on it--ok now I'm going to insist she read this blog, even if I know what the followup is going to be, an arched eyebrow & "we should talk" after she sees the GAYER THAN GAY on top. :)

      PS. I got a big kick outta your latest video!