- Gender and Relationships
If Your Friend's Boyfriend Hits On You
It’s a very uncomfortable position to be in. The husband or boyfriend of a person you’re good friends with makes a pass at you. What should you do?
One thing you need to know is that everything could be about to change. This person put you in an awful position. You could be seen as inviting it, instigating it, mutually insinuating it, or having considered it. Although it’s wrong, this is the way it is. It’s not fair, it’s not right, but it is what it is.
Evaluate the Pass
Do you really believe it was a come-on? Maybe getting an objective opinion will help. Talk about it with a neutral third party like a friend that doesn’t know her, or even your hairdresser or someone at your gym. Describe the incident as objectively as you can. Is there a chance you’re over reacting? Was it innocent affection, or playfulness? Or was it really a down and dirty pass at you?
If You’re in a Relationship:
Should you tell you’re partner? I would. Immediately. It has been my experience that eventually, all truths come out. The best thing you can do for yourself in all your relationships is to make sure you’re always seen in an honest and accurate light. If you don’t say something, and this comes out later, your silence could be misinterpreted as consent. The amount of time you let lapse afterward is also suspect. If you don’t immediately say “No,” it can be misunderstood as your saying, “I have to think about it. It’s obviously not bothering me so much or I would have reacted.”
Sparing someone’s feelings is a well-intended thought, but I don’t think it’s practical to keep something like this from your partner. If he were the one that got hit on, I’d want to know. I also think partners should try to handle things like this together. I think it strengthens your bond and promotes honesty.
There is a chance your friend won’t believe you. Love can be blind. And stupid. You have to be aware that your good intentions could cost you your friend. This isn’t about fairness. It’s just the way it is.
1 – Immediately Call Him Out. – If you can pull your shit together fast enough, get passed being stunned and get busy making a scene. It can be just between you and he, or it can involve others if they’re present. This option eliminates any appearance that you thought about it at all. It says, “Hell, NO!” loudly and clearly. Don’t speak softly. Don’t lower your voice, which lowers you to his level. Instead say it so that anyone in earshot can hear. You will never be suspect if you can do that.
One way to do that is to scream your friend’s name. When she gets there, tell him to repeat what he just said. Odds are he won’t come clean about it. So you will have to. “Your man here just asked me if I want to take a private tour of his bedroom. How do you think I should take that?”
If no one is around, your reaction will be his word against yours. Remember that this person put you in this position very uncaringly. He knows it could ruin your friendship and he obviously doesn’t care. He does not deserve your delicateness or understanding. He was willing to cost you a great deal. Charge him right back for that expense. Your reaction should still be loud, and upset, and clear. And it shouldn’t calm the next time you see anyone. As soon as you can contact your friend and tell her you will never be alone in the same room with him again. Say it clearly and forcefully. Be honest and forthright about what happened. Don’t cease and desist. It’s the best way to preserve your good intentions and his bad ones.
2 - If you don’t want to make a scene or involve your friend, your message should still be strong and clear: “When I tell my husband what you said, what do you think he’s going to say? When he and I go to your wife and tell her together, what do you think is going to happen? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Even if you take suggestion 1 or 2, there is still a chance your friend won’t believe you. Here’s some solace for that thought.
Eventually, all cheaters and liars are found out. Eventually, he will hit on someone else or get caught in a tryst. No matter what she does, she will eventually know.
One last thought – you weren’t special. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you should protect this liar because he would never cheat on your friend, it’s just that he can’t control himself around “you.” A liar is a liar. Don’t ever let your head go to that kind of egotistical place, or that kind of lonely place, that you try to justify his making a pass at you because it was “you.” This will never be the case. Don’t be tricked - by him or by yourself
A Public Affair (Jessica Simpson song, lipsinked by Asian Backstreet Boys)
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*All text and photos are original content by Veronica. Video is courtesy of Youtube.