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I'll Say "I Do". But Not to You.

Updated on September 5, 2011


'Cause how could you give your love to someone else
And share your dreams with me
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see

-Lines from Vanessa William’s Save the Best for Last-


A few months from now, I will be attending an execution. My own. The man I have loved since forever will say the words I so long to hear. He is tying the knot and binding himself to a lifetime commitment to a woman other than me.

I have known Dean (not his real name) since I was a freshman in college. While I was the silent one, he was the boisterous type. I was seated in front, he at the back seat near the door for easy and unobserved exit. Even then he was already attractive; I was what you can call ordinary. We were the total opposite.

Physical Education class. Ballroom Dance. Again, we were totally different. While I have been dancing since I can walk, he cannot carry a single step in synch with the music. As luck would have it, the professor paired me to him for the entire duration of the semester. My feet were killing me because I not only had to wear heels for the dance; he also kept on stepping over my toes. Sorry followed another sorry as he kept on treading over my toes. My patience was wearing thin but I had to endure and teach him lest I also fail on a subject that I am supposed to get an A.

Source

The turning point..

Day after day we practiced. Small talks here and there turned into conversations. He asks questions, I answer. He talks, I listen. Step after step, he was making progress and I was a proud dance partner. Come finals, we both got an A. Since then, we were inseparable. We became the best of friends.

I came to know his friends and family. He came to know mine. When he separated with his first girlfriend, I listened to his tirade on how selfish and heartless girls are. When he got sick, I was the first to know. When I failed to graduate as Cum Laude, he made me feel better. When I got my first pay check, I spent a few with him. We became an appendage of each other’s lives. Always there for each other in good times and in bad. Always sticking to each other like glue.

He used to check on every guy I know, making sure that I befriend only those he would approve. He told me of girls that he liked and asked me what I think about them.

Common friends teased us no end about how cute a couple we were. We laughed over it. We were just friends. Best friends.

The Revelation..

Six years into the friendship, I woke up realizing that what I felt for him was no longer that simple. But I never told him of my change of heart. I kept that feeling to myself, afraid of what he would think. Afraid of the unknown. I waited for him to say something. I waited but he never told me anything. But what he could not say, he showed in more ways than one except be intimate. We were never like that but we spent hours having a good laugh.

When I had to leave town to work somewhere else, he did not approve. But I did it anyway. We communicated ever so often. We argue every now and then but never slept without patching things up. It was like we were a couple, but officially, we were not.

I was faithful to him. To us. I believed he was, too.

The Shock..

Source

A few weeks ago, I went home for a vacation. As expected, I saw him and we eat out. What I was not prepared for was his news. He told me something that totally ripped my heart into pieces. He is getting married! To a woman 3 years our senior! To a woman he did not tell me about. To a woman he met less than a year ago.

He told me bits and bits of how and where they met. He told me that he wanted me to be there at his special day. To be the maid of honor. To wear a gown (not even my color ) and wear a make-up despite being allergic to it and bear the strain of wearing heels for hours just so I can share in his joy.

As he went on and on about how enamored he was of that woman, I sat there gaping at him. Trying my best not to cry even though my eyes were already hurting. I wanted to shake him and make him see how he hurt me. I wanted to slap myself for allowing myself to be hurt that way. I did neither. I sat there faking a smile.

My heart was breaking but I could not do anything to make it better. After all, we were never really a couple. Not in the real sense of the word. I just thought we were. Oh, how mistaken I was.

My vow..

Will I go? Yes, I will. I’ll be there and bear witness. While he say his vows to her, I’ll say mine. A vow that from that day on forward, I will let go, move on and get over the hurt. To forget. To be happy as we are. As I am.

I can get through this. I would. I will. This is my vow.

Next to being loved,to love is one of the most beautiful thing one can ever do. I did love. I got hurt and it is painful. But I'll get over the pain. I am broken-hearted. That could only mean that it was not meant to be. But I'll never stop being happy.


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    • theseus profile image
      Author

      theseus 5 years ago from philippines

      Dear frogyfish,

      Hello.Thank you for dropping by and the sweet comment. I appreciate the kind deed, thank you.

      I try to keep my attitude positive, yeah.At all times. That, my family and friends, and my God keep me going even in the most difficult times.

      God bless you.

    • frogyfish profile image

      frogyfish 5 years ago from Central United States of America

      A beautifully worded story of life... And what a fantastic positive attitude you have made as stated in your last three paragraphs! You are uniquely strong, smart, successful...and love yourself! Yea! You've got it made, girl...go for it!

    • theseus profile image
      Author

      theseus 5 years ago from philippines

      Dear Mekenzie

      Thank you so much for those kind, sweet words.

      So far, all is well. Every now and then, I still feel the same hurt especially because I have not stop seeing him even after what happened. He is my bestfriend, after all.But the pain is not what it used to be.There is nothing that time and prayers will not heal.

      Thank you, dear. I so appreciate your taking time to read and sharing those nice words. God bless you, too.

    • Mekenzie profile image

      Susan Ream 5 years ago from Michigan

      Dear one .. you exposed your heart in such a way I could feel your pain and see how BIG it is. Yet you reveal such maturity and dignity in how you will move forward.

      Beautifully written theseus! May God Bless you one day with a man who loves you more than you can comprehend.

      HUGS!

      Mekenzie

    • theseus profile image
      Author

      theseus 6 years ago from philippines

      TheDailyMessenger,

      Hello.Thank you for dropping by and taking the time to comment.

      I appreciate the kind words. Unfortunately,I am not strong though I pretend to be.If being wise means knowing when it's time to let go, then, I probably am wise.Thank you again. God bless.

    • TheDailyMessenger profile image

      TheDailyMessenger 6 years ago from Las Vegas, NV

      You are very strong, and wise. my friend.

    • theseus profile image
      Author

      theseus 6 years ago from philippines

      > marcoujor,

      Thank you for such sweet words. I appreciate it very much.

      I have watched "My Bestfriend's Wedding" and "Little Women" but I was not expecting that the same would happen to me.Then, I cried watching the movies. Now, I cried because of me and what could never be. Regardless, I am coping with the pain. This will not last. Soon, I will be okay.Thank you again. God bless.

      > b. malin,

      Thank you so much.

      Yes, I will go to the wedding. Not for him. Definitely not for the girl. But for myself. I will face the pain head on.To convince myself of what could never be.

      Thank you, my friend. It helps that there are people like you around to make me feel better. God bless.

      > Ashantina,

      I asked myself the same question. Would telling him made a difference.But I realized, it wouldn't. The glow in his eyes and the look on his face told me.I've never seen him that way in our more than a decade of being friends. I wouldn't want to confuse him.

      Thank you. God bless.

      > Dear Twilight,

      Yes, I do love him. Nothing changed. He loves me, I know, because he told me. Only not the love I need from him. But,I'm cool with it.He remains true to his promise which we made way back that even if someone else will come along, we will still be there for each other.I just don't know if the girl will understand and accept me as a part of him. I could only hope so.Thank you, my friend. Most appreciated. God bless.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Obviously you love this guy very much, and I feel he most probably loves you as a true friend. This was so easy to read and yet so sweetly sad. You must make his day the best you can, and if his new bride accepts you into their lives, still trust him with your confidences and your secrets as you always have... but not this one pressing secret you have written about so sweetly. Marked up

    • Ashantina profile image

      Ashantina 6 years ago

      In hindsight, do you wish you'd told him how you felt?

      Regardless, there is someone for everyone and you have yet to meet 'him'. As b Malin says you will look back on this one day and be more than ok.

      Take care.

    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 6 years ago

      Yours is a beautiful story of "Friendship"...which you truly gave and he did too, in his fashion. I'm not sure that I could go to the wedding, but as long as you're ok with it, and you will be...go. Someday, when you are (and you will be) happily married to someone else, you will be able to look back at this time so differently and you will be ok with your thoughts. Good Luck my friend.

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 6 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      theseus,

      Such a tender and heartfelt tale. I thought your style was so readable and flowing beautifully to me.

      It brought me back to Jo March of Little Women. She was devastated when Laurie (her best friend) ended up marrying her baby sister, Amy. Yet, in the end, she found her true soulmate when she went to NY (to "write"), the lonely bachelor Mr Baer... a lovely tale of "you never know"!!

      And neither do you! Voted UP, AWESOME & BEAUTIFUL!

    • theseus profile image
      Author

      theseus 6 years ago from philippines

      your cybersister,

      Hi there. Thank you for dropping by and leaving a comment to this hub.

      Makes a good script for a movie, right? Sad to say that this is more than just fiction. The pain is so real.I couldn't very well tell him not to marry her, could I? I haven' even meet the girl yet but seeing for myself how happy he is now,there is nothing more that I can do but accept it as it is.Yeah, it hurts. So bad.Anyhow, the sooner I deal with it, the better for me.

      Again, thank you. God bless.

    • your cybersister profile image

      your cybersister 6 years ago from Just relocated from Florida to the mountains of North Carolina

      Are you sure they didn't base the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding" on you and your friend? No, I guess not. Julia Robert's character had to make a real jerk of herself before getting to the place you are now, acceptance, and being genuinely happy for her friend. I am sorry for your heartache. Most of us, if we are lucky enough to love, will experience it at some point and it is always bittersweet. You have a wonderful attitude about the situation and are proving what a great friend you are. And you are right, you will still be happy because happiness comes from within. Be confident that you will meet the one you are meant to be with when the time is right. It could even happen at his wedding...