I'll Say "I Do". But Not to You.
'Cause how could you give your love to someone else
And share your dreams with me
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see
-Lines from Vanessa William’s Save the Best for Last-
A few months from now, I will be attending an execution. My own. The man I have loved since forever will say the words I so long to hear. He is tying the knot and binding himself to a lifetime commitment to a woman other than me.
I have known Dean (not his real name) since I was a freshman in college. While I was the silent one, he was the boisterous type. I was seated in front, he at the back seat near the door for easy and unobserved exit. Even then he was already attractive; I was what you can call ordinary. We were the total opposite.
Physical Education class. Ballroom Dance. Again, we were totally different. While I have been dancing since I can walk, he cannot carry a single step in synch with the music. As luck would have it, the professor paired me to him for the entire duration of the semester. My feet were killing me because I not only had to wear heels for the dance; he also kept on stepping over my toes. Sorry followed another sorry as he kept on treading over my toes. My patience was wearing thin but I had to endure and teach him lest I also fail on a subject that I am supposed to get an A.
The turning point..
Day after day we practiced. Small talks here and there turned into conversations. He asks questions, I answer. He talks, I listen. Step after step, he was making progress and I was a proud dance partner. Come finals, we both got an A. Since then, we were inseparable. We became the best of friends.
I came to know his friends and family. He came to know mine. When he separated with his first girlfriend, I listened to his tirade on how selfish and heartless girls are. When he got sick, I was the first to know. When I failed to graduate as Cum Laude, he made me feel better. When I got my first pay check, I spent a few with him. We became an appendage of each other’s lives. Always there for each other in good times and in bad. Always sticking to each other like glue.
He used to check on every guy I know, making sure that I befriend only those he would approve. He told me of girls that he liked and asked me what I think about them.
Common friends teased us no end about how cute a couple we were. We laughed over it. We were just friends. Best friends.
Six years into the friendship, I woke up realizing that what I felt for him was no longer that simple. But I never told him of my change of heart. I kept that feeling to myself, afraid of what he would think. Afraid of the unknown. I waited for him to say something. I waited but he never told me anything. But what he could not say, he showed in more ways than one except be intimate. We were never like that but we spent hours having a good laugh.
When I had to leave town to work somewhere else, he did not approve. But I did it anyway. We communicated ever so often. We argue every now and then but never slept without patching things up. It was like we were a couple, but officially, we were not.
I was faithful to him. To us. I believed he was, too.
A few weeks ago, I went home for a vacation. As expected, I saw him and we eat out. What I was not prepared for was his news. He told me something that totally ripped my heart into pieces. He is getting married! To a woman 3 years our senior! To a woman he did not tell me about. To a woman he met less than a year ago.
He told me bits and bits of how and where they met. He told me that he wanted me to be there at his special day. To be the maid of honor. To wear a gown (not even my color ) and wear a make-up despite being allergic to it and bear the strain of wearing heels for hours just so I can share in his joy.
As he went on and on about how enamored he was of that woman, I sat there gaping at him. Trying my best not to cry even though my eyes were already hurting. I wanted to shake him and make him see how he hurt me. I wanted to slap myself for allowing myself to be hurt that way. I did neither. I sat there faking a smile.
My heart was breaking but I could not do anything to make it better. After all, we were never really a couple. Not in the real sense of the word. I just thought we were. Oh, how mistaken I was.
Will I go? Yes, I will. I’ll be there and bear witness. While he say his vows to her, I’ll say mine. A vow that from that day on forward, I will let go, move on and get over the hurt. To forget. To be happy as we are. As I am.
I can get through this. I would. I will. This is my vow.
Next to being loved,to love is one of the most beautiful thing one can ever do. I did love. I got hurt and it is painful. But I'll get over the pain. I am broken-hearted. That could only mean that it was not meant to be. But I'll never stop being happy.