I'm Having an Affair with the UPS Man
MAD TV Delivery Boy
This is a dedication to my husband who constantly harasses and ribs me about the UPS man. If only he knew!
I am having an affair with the UPS man; well at least I think I am. Yes it is a secret so please don’t tell my husband. Of course this was bound to happen. Being alone at home all day makes a girl a little restless even if I am working from home and taking care of the house and kids. There are still many days of boredom and restlessness. I mean the UPS man takes me through all of these emotions on a daily basis as I sit and wait for him to come to my door and bring me whatever package I am waiting for. There is something naughty about a man bringing a package to the house when no one else is home. It started off innocently enough and then simply spun out of control.
I open the door and there he stands dressed all in brown he is a handsome man and that brown uniform fits him just right. He is holding a package in his hand and slowly extends the package towards me. “Here you go Maam” he says with a smile. “Thank you.” I say barely getting it out before he turns around quickly to leave. “Goodbye” I yell out and without turning back around he waves at me while still walking back to his truck. That was the first of many encounters to come between the two of us.
The first few encounters were totally innocent but after awhile we began to notice each other. A friendly wave while I was walking down the street, or as I passed his speeding truck. Our time is usually between the hours of 1pm and 3pm during the week.
Our affair started one afternoon when I was home alone. Work was slow and I was trying to drum up more business. I was tired and wanted to take a nap and knew that wouldn’t be possible or I would feel incredibly guilty. Even though it was against my better judgment I crawled into bed and took a short nap. I hadn’t been asleep long when I heard a knock at the door and ran to see who it was. When I opened the door there was that handsome man all in brown standing there with a package in his hand. I tried not to look too excited at his presence but I was happy to see anyone at this moment (I am sure other stay-at-home moms understand that feeling when there is an adult in the room and you can actually have a real conversation). Was I seeing something in his eye too? Was he a naughty UPS man looking for a lonely housewife?
I knew that my thoughts were naughty and my actions would be even naughtier. I kept telling myself that this was incredibly wrong but was not sure if I could stop myself. I took the package and set it down next to me so that I could sign for it. We made some lighthearted exchange for a few moments and then I heard the phone ring. I had no idea where the phone was and wanted to totally ignore it. But it seemed to be getting louder and louder. Why was it ringing so loudly? I could not ignore the ringing any longer. Why wasn’t the answering machine picking up? I finally woke up. Had I been sleeping? Was it all just a dream? I tried to gather my thoughts as I heard a knock at the door. I made my way down the hall to the front door. I opened the door slowly. It was the UPS man. I had been dreaming. I was slightly disappointed and a little relieved. I blushed as he had me sign for the package and verified that I was the lady of the house. If only he knew that we were having an affair.
After a dream like that I will never look at the UPS man the same way again. The man in brown that has complete control of my every emotion making me giddy like a school girl when he makes a delivery and making me feel scorned like a jilted lover when he drives right past my house. I now have a new appreciation of and love for the color brown of course I have not told my hubby about my fascination but I think he has his suspicions.