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I'm a girl!, I'm a girl!, I'm a girl! I would say each night as I fell asleep in my pretty dress.

Updated on December 31, 2014

Emily on transitioning

Depression is so very painful

It's very sad when you reach a point where you just want to walk in the clouds 4 eternity. i think my time is near.

so so sorry, but I feel overwhelmed and have no one to really talk to and it is just like when I was a little boy crying "herself" to sleep because she was not allowed to wear a dress or to feel true to herself on the inside.

A movie I like to watch, Forrest Gump and an actor I admire, Tom Hanks and a line I love but will put my spin on:

In a scene in the movie Forest is talking about what his mom shared with him, a tidbit of wisdom "Life is like a box of chocolates, You never know what you're "gonna get".

My spin on this:

"Life is like a box of chocolates, You never know what you're "gonna get, unless you look on the back of the box to see what's on the "inside"." As interpreted by Emily Iannielli

Edward Donald Iannielli III (my birth name which I am proud of and can not change it)

Emily Denise Iannielli (Transwoman name, my gender name, the name I asked to be addressed by)

All I ever wanted in my life was to be the girl I always knew I was. I'm so sorry for the mess I created. I just want to be me and still have my family

It took me a really long time to like myself. I felt so much pain and isolation as a young boy struggling with my gender identity pretending to "fit in" and somehow managed to despite my overwhelming sadness of not being able to wear the pretty dresses or those sparkly earrings that all the girls wore in my classes. I remember day dreaming hoping one day i would go out as a pretty girl and be noticed because i never felt any one wanting to be close to me from my early childhood until my early 30's until I had to do something about it. There were times when I would feel so alone and even if I was surrounded by friends, teammates, classmates or amongst family and relatives I just felt so alone and in so much pain. I truly wanted my pain to go away. I didn't want to die. I just wanted to be the "girl" I always felt i was inside.

I idolized girls and felt so left out that I could not be a part of their circle. I had to pretend to be a guy as best i could and in moments of my battles with gender i would think of my dad and my grandfather who I was named after by my loving mom and dad. What would they think if I told them I wanted to ditch the shirt and pants and wear the dress and stockings with my favorite Mary Jane shoes. I was so mixed up and the only way I kept my sanity was by immersing myself in my math and science books and playing baseball. If I didn't have those to take me away from my gender dysphoria I truly don't know how I would have survived. I had to pretend things were ok when on the inside I was heartbroken. I always felt like there was something wrong with me because my dad was a real man who faced death every day and was such a kind. caring, loving father and husband who I looked up to.

I lacked the courage to get my ears pierced or get a manicure because my school mates would ridicule me and laugh at me. I also yearned to wear those cute girl shoes and go out to school all dressed nice and pretty and still do my math and science homework and still play little league baseball because I truly was a girl trying to be a boy though I really was a boy hoping to be the girl I always knew I was. Even I'm confused with that line because that was my life. It was all mixed up and I tried to make sense of it the best I could. I literally cried myself to sleep while I wore a cute dress knowing in my heart one day I would be that girl before I died. I made that promise to myself a long time ago that I would not go to my grave never being true to myself. If I did then my life would have been a painful enigma that I would never figure out. When I look back on my youth trying to figure out who I was I knew deep down in my heart I was a "girl" wanting to blossom one day and enjoy her life as a well educated and well respected woman with admirers. That was my hope. That was my dream. Sadly I never had the chance to blossom into that beautiful, intelligent and well respected woman. I cried many times about feeling trapped. We all heard the line "A woman trapped in the body of a man" Well from personal experience I can truly say that it is very true and is part of my life story. I have long since come to accept my situation. Transgender struggle is something not many truly understand but it is a very real struggle for some as I can attest to. There are days when I just want to say goodbye. I had enough. I can't deal with this anymore but the one thing that keeps me going is the abundance of love I have for my son. If it weren't for him I would have taken my life a long time ago.

Emily

Emily hurting inside

Emily

Emily
Emily

Emily part 1

Emily part 2

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