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I'm going

Updated on June 10, 2020

I'm going to be a fool and tell you what I shouldn't. I'm going to be a coward, too, because I'll tell you in this letter, instead of telling you like I should, face to face.

I'm going to tell you that you are the only woman I ever wanted that I will never have, and that I hate you with all my heart just because you are in the world, making me miserable with my want and my pain.

I'm going to be a fool and a coward, and selfish, too. And yet I know you won't mind, not really, because deep down you want to hear this, probably as much as I need to say it, to finally rid yourself of the unspeakable burden that I make you carry.

I'm going to get it all out, then. Speak of it, say the things that shouldn't be said, because, like the oldest cliché on earth, the truth will set us free from this charade that I no longer have the strength to uphold. The truth will take off this angel mask I wear and show the real monster underneath, the monster that meeting you created.

I'm going to tell you that as much as I love you, I hate you even more because I can't have you. I hate you, selfishly and with all my might, as I love you.

I'm going to tell you how I need you. I'm going to tell you how I despise this need that I can't satisfy. I'm going to tell you how I silently cry for you, and how the tears that run down my cheeks are bitter, angry drops that dry in pain.

I'm going to tell you what you already know, that I live in a small and closeted world, too small to fit you, too closeted to let you breath. But my soul, my body, my voice all scream to bring you in, even when I know it would be the same as killing your soul, your body, your voice. You're bigger than my world, I know, and yet I'm going to tell you that I wish you were imprisoned in these four walls with nowhere to go but me.

I'm going to tell you that I can't stand these selfish thoughts and that I hate myself for hating you and how powerless you make me feel. I'm going to tell you that this farce can't go on any longer. I don't want to be your friend, I don't want to be in touch, I don't want to know what your life is like, I don't care what your dreams are, I just don't want to know you're in the world anymore, because if I know that you're in the world, my world shrinks even further without you in it.

I'm finally telling you, like the fool and coward that I am. I'm going to free you from me, this is the only unselfish thing about this letter, that I'm going.

I'm going now, you will never again know that I dream of you, that I imagine your kiss, that I won't pass a minute without wanting to breath you into me, to lock you up and never let you go, that I love you from afar, as surely as my heart beats at the rhythm of my thoughts of you.

I'm going to tell you that I will always cherish that you are somewhere in the universe, in a world much bigger than mine, far from me and unreachable, but nevertheless breathing the same air, warmed by the same sun, howling at the very same moon.

I'm going to tell you to run from me, from my unhealthy devotion, from my selfish feelings. I'm going to tell you that you have to forget me, forget that I'm in this world, and I'm going to ask you to hate me for my cowardice if you ever, perchance, remember me.

I'm going to ask you that you laugh at the fact that you are the only woman I ever wanted that I will never have. Laugh at me, diminish me with a smirk, so that you help me hate you as you will surely hate me for my foolishness, my cowardice, my selfishness.

You have to hate me, never again speak to me, never again write to me, never again remember that I am in this world. I'm going to... go.

© 2009 Elena.

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    • Elena. profile imageAUTHOR

      Elena. 

      11 years ago from Madrid

      Thanks, Amanda!

    • profile image

      amanda paola 

      11 years ago

      wow! on the point! crazy how someone can write how i feel! u say it best!

    • Elena. profile imageAUTHOR

      Elena. 

      11 years ago from Madrid

      Blaise, I'm going to say... merci beaucoup! :-)

    • blaise25 profile image

      Fehl Dungo 

      11 years ago from close to you...

      wow, very frank and intriguing confessions..

      well done! I'm going to tell you I liked it ;p

    • skye2day profile image

      skye2day 

      11 years ago from Rocky Mountains

      OMGOSH This hub kept me on the edge. I do not know how I landed here but I do not think it was a mistake. Your writing is exquisite. I have read hundreds and hundreds of beautiful hubs but nothing captured my attention as this.If you are not published you need to be. This is heartfelt.

      I recall loving this 'hard.'I moved on,life went on. I found another love. I do not think I ever loved anyone as I did the one I hated as much.

      I am in the club my friend. I will return. I am bookmarking you. Thank you for sharing. Hugs

      check my hubs when you get a moment, I would be honored. My spiritual hubs are my most treasured.

    • profile image

      Feline Prophet 

      11 years ago

      It's always easier to say things on paper, isn't it? And what a remarkable facility you have for writing gut-wrenching goodbyes.

    • profile image

      Sandi 3m 

      11 years ago

      Wow! Very touching.

    • I*n*v*i*c*t*u*s profile image

      I*n*v*i*c*t*u*s 

      11 years ago

      wow..this is amazing!!! Love it! :)

    • bingskee profile image

      bingskee 

      11 years ago from Quezon City, Philippines

      bold expressions of love..

    • bobyjaya26 profile image

      bobyjaya26 

      11 years ago from indonesia

      I love this

    • robie2 profile image

      Roberta Kyle 

      11 years ago from Central New Jersey

      Elena--you write with such honesty and passion that it takes my breath away-- and breaks my heart. Thank you for yet another wonderful piece of writing.

    • alekhouse profile image

      Nancy Hinchliff 

      11 years ago from Essex Junction, Vermont

      This is absolutely wonderful, Elena!

      When love is not returned how easily the loving turns to hate that pushes away the pain, but only for a little while.

    • Amanda Severn profile image

      Amanda Severn 

      11 years ago from UK

      Scary just how close love and hate truly are. Like two sides of the same coin. Beautifully done.

    • profile image

      Iphigenia 

      11 years ago

      Talk about that fine line between love and hate - this illustrates it perfectly. The pain of walking that line. The obsessive need to walk that line. The beauty and the beat of it. You've put it all here ....

    • profile image

      Janetta 

      11 years ago

      Beautiful. You amaze me ;)

    • VioletSun profile image

      VioletSun 

      11 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

      Whew, you sure can write with a poetic passion that stirs the emotions! Its beautiful, alive, and not cowardly at all.

    • Wanderlust profile image

      Wanderlust 

      11 years ago from New York City

      Very inspirational and powerful indeed !

    • profile image

      Michelle PG Richardson 

      11 years ago

      I can't tell you how many times times I've written a cowardly letter like this, only never sent any of them. Horendous. Wonderful. Thank you.

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      11 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      OMG my heart is beating so hard...great write...:O) Hugs

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 

      11 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Wow. Well done.

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