ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

I'm going

Updated on June 10, 2020

I'm going to be a fool and tell you what I shouldn't. I'm going to be a coward, too, because I'll tell you in this letter, instead of telling you like I should, face to face.

I'm going to tell you that you are the only woman I ever wanted that I will never have, and that I hate you with all my heart just because you are in the world, making me miserable with my want and my pain.

I'm going to be a fool and a coward, and selfish, too. And yet I know you won't mind, not really, because deep down you want to hear this, probably as much as I need to say it, to finally rid yourself of the unspeakable burden that I make you carry.

I'm going to get it all out, then. Speak of it, say the things that shouldn't be said, because, like the oldest cliché on earth, the truth will set us free from this charade that I no longer have the strength to uphold. The truth will take off this angel mask I wear and show the real monster underneath, the monster that meeting you created.

I'm going to tell you that as much as I love you, I hate you even more because I can't have you. I hate you, selfishly and with all my might, as I love you.

I'm going to tell you how I need you. I'm going to tell you how I despise this need that I can't satisfy. I'm going to tell you how I silently cry for you, and how the tears that run down my cheeks are bitter, angry drops that dry in pain.

I'm going to tell you what you already know, that I live in a small and closeted world, too small to fit you, too closeted to let you breath. But my soul, my body, my voice all scream to bring you in, even when I know it would be the same as killing your soul, your body, your voice. You're bigger than my world, I know, and yet I'm going to tell you that I wish you were imprisoned in these four walls with nowhere to go but me.

I'm going to tell you that I can't stand these selfish thoughts and that I hate myself for hating you and how powerless you make me feel. I'm going to tell you that this farce can't go on any longer. I don't want to be your friend, I don't want to be in touch, I don't want to know what your life is like, I don't care what your dreams are, I just don't want to know you're in the world anymore, because if I know that you're in the world, my world shrinks even further without you in it.

I'm finally telling you, like the fool and coward that I am. I'm going to free you from me, this is the only unselfish thing about this letter, that I'm going.

I'm going now, you will never again know that I dream of you, that I imagine your kiss, that I won't pass a minute without wanting to breath you into me, to lock you up and never let you go, that I love you from afar, as surely as my heart beats at the rhythm of my thoughts of you.

I'm going to tell you that I will always cherish that you are somewhere in the universe, in a world much bigger than mine, far from me and unreachable, but nevertheless breathing the same air, warmed by the same sun, howling at the very same moon.

I'm going to tell you to run from me, from my unhealthy devotion, from my selfish feelings. I'm going to tell you that you have to forget me, forget that I'm in this world, and I'm going to ask you to hate me for my cowardice if you ever, perchance, remember me.

I'm going to ask you that you laugh at the fact that you are the only woman I ever wanted that I will never have. Laugh at me, diminish me with a smirk, so that you help me hate you as you will surely hate me for my foolishness, my cowardice, my selfishness.

You have to hate me, never again speak to me, never again write to me, never again remember that I am in this world. I'm going to... go.

© 2009 Elena.


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)