Important List of Things Not to Do When Staying in a Friend's House
This is how it starts
Note: This is not aimed at people who are homeless, jobless, and “on the mercy of the world.” I am not that heartless. This is to those people who are “sweet as store-bought sugar,” to your face, but constantly looking for ways to take advantage of your very life and the good things in it. Kenneth.
There you are, “Mr. and Ms. Humble Americans,” going about your daily lives, minding your own affairs and helping those in need that you know and those you do not know when the opportunity affords itself. You and your wife do not “just” to helpful things for people to get recognition from others or get your names in the local paper. You two are sincerely-grateful for your great jobs, nice cars, two amazing children whose IQ’s are, well, way up there, and your spacious and comfortable two-story home.
You did not stab anyone in the back or blackmail anyone to get your material things nor did you bribe God Almighty to have such amazing, respectful, and intelligent kids to be born unto you. You and your wife have just always strived to treat people and animals right and respect God and His ways. That’s it. Not rocket science. Just a great way to live.
You and your wife are good friends all of the time
But suddenly and without early-warning, one of your oldest friends and good in all part of his life, knocks on your front door. You greet him and his wife and they break-down when you ask them, “How are you these days?” They bare their souls to you—from being laid-off to losing their home and car. Their tears are big and many. But you, being the good soul that you are, comfort them with this statement, “Awww, there, there. It is not the end of the world. Hey, ‘Marge,’ and I are going out of town for two weeks, so you can stay here in our house and relax and try go figure things out. Okay?”
Their big tears suddenly stop. They look at each other with renewed hope showing in their faces. Once again you and your wife have “saved the day” for someone who needs it. And you and your wife “Marge” go to bed that night feeling closer to God and having hearts that are warmer due to your unselfishness.
You and your wife rise early and leave the next morning for your two-week get-away. But on that ensuing Wednesday, “Tab Linkletter,” a greedy, lying, two-faced man who lives down the street pays a visit to your home. “Linkletter,” might be the “only” person in existence who “has an axe to grind” with you,” for turning him in to the city water department for observing him cut the lock on his water meter when the city shut off his water for not paying his bill on time. Yes, he always held a rough grudge at you for that civil-act and now watch his act of revenge unfold.
A fictional display for you to memorize
“Linkletter,” rings the doorbell and “Jimmy Denson and his wife, ‘Trixie,” answer the door and “Linkletter,” who is hungry for information (and things to use against you), learns that “Denson,” and wife are “just” staying at your house for the two-weeks you and your wife are on a get-away and then “Jimmy and Trixie,” will have to move on somewhere else.
Watch this: “Do you two like it here?” “Linkletter (acting) humble, asks.
“You bet we do, ‘Mr. Linkletter,’ and we are NOT taking advantage of our super-nice friend by “acting as if we were at home,” “Jimmy” replies.
“Ohhh, that,” “Linkletter” laughs. “Our mutual saint-of-a-friend, didn’t really mean that. He says that to everyone, so just relax and do make yourself right at home or else, you will hurt his feelings for being so generous to you,” “Linkletter” says with a tone of seriousness.
In two-weeks you and your sweet wife show-up at, I hate to say it, all that is left of your spacious, beautiful home. You and your wife open the front door and the first thing they see is you and your wife in the living room floor fast-asleep in a deep-pile of empty corn chip, potato chip, and corn curl bags, soda cans and bottles and other assorted garbage. You almost have a major meltdown, but you get control of yourself.
You realize that you, his poor, down-trodden friend, must have not seen the all-important
List of Things Not to Do While Staying At a Friend’s House
Has any moochers ever taken advantage of you and messed-up your home?
- Put your cigarettes out on the arms of the recliners. If you are staying in a friend's home, you should quit smoking or just go outside to smoke.
- Flush the commode after EACH use. Not just twice a week.
- Leave your dirty laundry strewn from the bedroom to the patio.
- Leave dirty dishes (from each meal) on the table, in the living room, and bathtub. Your friend, the homeowner, has a dishwasher. Why not learn how to operate this marvelous device?
- Spill beer in the carpet of every room in the house and never make an attempt to clean it up.
- After you finish reading the daily newspaper each morning, do not leave it laying in sections all over the house.
- Get a wild hair to do some gardening which includes digging big holes in the front yard to plant young trees that you cannot afford to buy and plant.
- You talk to the Garden Dept. manager and find out that he is a good friend of the friend whose home you are bumming, errr, I mean staying in, and the Garden Dept. manager charges the fourteen Oak trees to your friend's account.
- You feel sorry for six stray cats you see through the living room window and you start feeding them fresh meat from your friend's refrigerator. Soon the six strays turn into fifteen stray cats. Won't your friend be surprised?
You and the wife get bored of watching television all day in the living room, so you start NOT getting out of b
ed except to eat and use "the John," and now you watch your friend's big plasma television and eat snacks in his beds and get crumbs in the sheets and even in the John." Now you start eating snacks in your friend's nice beds and the annoying crumbs get in the sheets and even in the pillows.
- Rather than have your friend think of you as a liar, which you are, your "job hunting," you promised him that you would do while he and his wife were gone, is just you phoning people from the classified ads in the paper and when the personnel manager(s) do not know you and insist that you actually come by in-person for an interview, you tell them your friend's name and that he recommends you, but they still want to meet you which triggers you into a filthy cursing rant against these men and now you will never be interviewed for a job.
- One day you are suffering from boredom and you bring a couple of the now-fat stray cats inside the house to teach them tricks, but soon they have to "answer nature's call," but you are too lazy to take them out and let them urinate all over the floor. You figure what's a little urine going to hurt with all of this trash that is already there.
- One evening after you have had way too many cans of beerr, you spy a very attractive woman doing some yard work near the backyard of your friend's house. The beer gives you confidence as you pull-back the window and start yelling suggestive sexual remarks to her which offends her and she hurries into her house.
- Then with three more beers, you see her back in her backyard and her husband, an ex-Marine, calls you out for the nasty things you said to his wife. You stumble outside to meet him and "show him who's boss." When you wake up, it's two days later and you are in the local hospital.
Then one morning, your good-hearted friend shows-up at your hospital room and you think he will laugh at all of the trouble you have caused and how you and your wife made such a pig's sty out of his house. He does not laugh one bit, but shares some news with you:
"Hey, guess what, friend? I have found the perfect job for you? he says.
"Yeah? And you are not angry at the mess we made?" you ask.
"Nahhh, not a bit. Do you know what the job is?" he asks.
"Sure, buddy. I am ready to get a steady job." you say with relief.
"When you are released from the hospital, you and your wife are going to clean-up every bit of trash, steam-clean all of my carpets, make sure that my yards and house are spotless." your friend explains. And is still not laughing.
"Well, friend, that sounds a bit harsh. What if we refuse?" you state being a real man.
"It's either that or jail." your friend says.
And now begins to laugh and laugh heartily.
Remember . . .
You, the homeowner, saying "No" to people who do not care for anyone but themselves, is not a sign of weakness of meaness. It is sign of maturity, integrity,