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Impotence and Frigidity - Is yours a loving relationship or just familiarity?

Updated on April 8, 2015
A couple in love
A couple in love
Sadly they have a problem
Sadly they have a problem
They seek professional help
They seek professional help
Renewing their love with a date
Renewing their love with a date

A subject that is rarely discussed, other than as cheap jokes, but is far from a joking matter to those affected. The reasons behind it are varied and complex but primarily fall into two areas – physiological and psychological. Again, perhaps we should look briefly at some of the possible causes before considering a potential remedy. I will split it into the two logical divisions.


The fragile male ego creates problems from an early age, normally, during puberty we are not looking at physical problems, but primarily barriers created due to psychological reasons. I will relate a little story, which may illustrate the problems in late teens. As a young Naval officer, still in basic training, we had an MO known for his lack of tact or bedside manner. A quivering young cadet, who had spent weeks summoning up courage to talk with him about usual adolescent problems was invariably meet with the same booming question – “Ok laddie, what’s the problem – can’t get it up – can’t get it down or can’t get it to stay up ?” At this point the boy would normally stammer some excuse and the interview would be at an end. Of course all of the others on sick parade would hear this exchange and the cry would go up “Time to visit Auntie Molly”. Now as it happened, Auntie Molly was, I have to say, a lovely lady of indeterminate age, whose ministrations were legion. Duly despatched to the ample charms of Auntie Molly the lad would return a wiser and more confident person. If only the problems of later life were so simple.


Although it has to be said that most impotence problems are mental or emotional, erectile dysfunction can result from diabetes or certain drugs (beta-blockers etc.) I would suggest that if in doubt your GP determines if there is any medical reason for reduced blood flow. These problems can almost always be overcome.


There is not enough room to list all of the possible mental/emotional problems that can be the root cause. Health, finance, anxiety, guilt, redundancy and a dozen others can cause further anxiety, which results in sexual dysfunction, which starts a circle of crippling anxiety. There is no physical reason for the problem; your body wants to function just like it did as a teenager with raging hormones but you subconsciously won’t let it. It responds by still releasing the hormones, but under these conditions, just causes anger, resentment and despair.

Possible solutions:

We need to break the vicious circle and one way this can be done by the use of relaxing essential oils and massage. If possible use a trained therapist who can administer a relaxing and de-stressing massage in a non-sexual situation. Try baths or encourage your partner to massage you on the understanding that it is not supposed to result in intercourse (if it does, well and good – but no pressure or expectation on either side). To produce a home massage oil the following oils have specific effects:

Sandalwood: A powerful aphrodisiac with an odour liked by most men

Jasmine: The most luxurious of essential oils – helps to restore or increase confidence.

Neroli: Particularly appropriate if anxiety is a problem.

Clary Sage: Deeply relaxing with effects sometimes described as euphoric. Has a nutty fragrance that appeals to men, but avoid alcohol with this oil.

There are stimulant aphrodisiac oils, which I will mention at the end of this article, but these should be used in moderation for temporary assistance where the man is fatigued or debilitated as they can irritate the kidneys if used to excess.

You should not overlook good nutrition, vitamin and mineral supplements and a short course of Ginseng capsules.

If the problems occur in your 40s or 50s it may be as a result of the andropause or male menopause as it is sometimes known. Part of this problem can be caused by a significant reduction in testosterone and patches are available from your doctor.


Frigidity in women is often described as the inability to reach an orgasm. However, this is rarely as a result of sexual dysfunction but due to the lack of enjoyment of it. As with impotence there is seldom a physical reason, but the cause may be an insensitive partner, fear or ignorance of the female body, childhood trauma, religion or unenlightened upbringing. The fear of pregnancy can be a powerful factor, particularly where contraception is denied or not available. Most frigid women hold their bodies in very low esteem and seem unable to understand that a partner or friend may find them attractive. As with men it is essential to calm the anxiety, to improve their self-image and increase their female sexuality. Again massage may be the first time a woman has been able to enjoy touch in a non-sexual connection.

The following oils are particularly suitable for feminine applications:

Rose: Luxurious oil particularly connected with female sexuality.

Jasmine: To increase confidence.

Neroli: Important to reduce anxiety.

Ylang-Ylang: Sweet scented and relaxing.

Women can also enjoy Clary Sage and Sandalwood although traditionally more masculine oils.

If the woman’s partner is genuinely concerned for her well-being and pleasure, then they can be taught to give gentle massages using these oils. Most of the oils are deeply relaxing aphrodisiacs and will reduce anxiety and fear about sex. The exception is Rose, which while expensive is a uterine tonic and cleanser, beneficial to the female reproductive system. It has affinities on both physical and emotional levels and is considered the ultimate female aphrodisiac. Other oils used are: cassia, cinnamon leaf, nutmeg, parsley and rosewood – try them, if nothing else they may be fun.

Aphrodisiacs – stimulating:

In addition to the relaxing oils mentioned the following are considered stimulating:

Black pepper



These can be applied, at low concentration, in carrier oil over the lower spine, but the safest way is as a powdered spice in food or drink, rather than the essential oil.

One of the greatest aids to overcoming both these problems is to retain a sense of fun and humour – it may be difficult, the loss of these may be the reason for the current difficulty, but remember in all but a few cases, if both parties are willing, the problem is just temporary and can be solved.

Just to finish I will relate a little forces humour. We had a padre who seems to consider it was his duty to warn all of us young officers about the dangers of consorting with young women during our shore-leave at certain overseas ports. He would gather us together in the mess room and earnestly explain about the dangers of unprotected sex. On one occasion he took great pains to advise that half the girls in this port were infected with venereal disease and the remainder had TB. After long drawn out explanations, almost with diagrams, he turned to us and asked if we had learned anything from his chat. “Yes sir” said one wag “only **** the ones that cough”.

How close are you to your partner

Do you still enjoy the company of your partner ?

See results

© 2012 Peter Geekie


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    • Peter Geekie profile image

      Peter Geekie 6 years ago from Sittingbourne

      Dear wearing well - I must apologise for the delay in answering your kind comment. Essential oils is such a gentle way to overcome these problems rather than the rather cold clinical approach the medical guys come up with.

      Kind regards Peter

    • wearing well profile image

      Deborah Waring 6 years ago from Lancashire U.K.

      Excellent advice Mr.Geekie especially the massage for women;as rose,neroli and jasmine pure essential oils are expensive a good alternative mix of black pepper (stimulating!) and ylang ylang (sensual & relaxing) work well for women and have the additional benefit of creating an aroma which is akin to floral carnations too.

      I enjoyed the forces humour and I agree that keeping your sense of humour over these sexual issues is key to over coming a dip in between the sheets ! :)