- Gender and Relationships
Improve Your Relationship By Improving Your Sex Life
Author: Esmeralda Redfield
Hey girls! (Yes this hub is for girls.. Sorry guys! ;) But you can read it as well, and let me know what you think.)
I want to share something with you that can improve your relationship. Something I noticed that a lot of girls do wrong (in my opinion), and it's preventing them from having the relationship that they want: A loving, caring and balanced one.
Sometimes your relationship is not working as planned. It just seems the communication is not there, or it's not intense enough.. Or maybe you feel like your guy is giving too much attention to other girls (on TV, the internet or in real life). Or a thousand other different things could be going on in your relationship that you are dissatisfied with.
Often, as a result, your sex life becomes less intense (or less frequent) as well.
There are a lot of things you could try to do in order to improve your relationship, but in my humble opinion, the best and easiest change that you can make, is improving your sex life.
A bad (and/or infrequent) sex life is often a result of other problems, and not the direct reason. However, if you manage to cure this, the other relationship problems will start to get smaller as well.. Because your man will be thankful and happy, and willing to work on solving your problems together!
First I will talk about a common mistake women tend to make in how they look at their sex life. Of course this does not apply to everyone, but if you recognize yourself in the example I would really think about doing this different.
Crime and Punishment - A Major Misconception
The other day, my friend Mariah came to my house, she's one of my best and oldest friends. She was very upset about her husband, so I gave her some tea and tried to calm her down, and asked her to explain what was going on.
A stream of complaints started: He had failed to do the dishes (as he promised) AGAIN, he always left his clothes on the floor just where he took them off, he was a lazy bum in general, and so on and so forth.
And then she ended her story with: "He is sure as h*ll not getting any sex this week!"
Do you recognize this..? Even if it's not you, then probably one of your friends chooses to punish her man like a little boy when he doesn't do what she wants.. Mariah's husband is no angel for sure, but I really had to disagree with her "solution" to her marital problem..
Fact is, a lot of women use sex as a weapon within a relationship. They use it to reward their man, and they use it to punish him. Often girls think they can "educate" their man to act like they want, by limiting the amount of sex they have with him. In my opinion it's the single easiest way to make a good relationship go sour.
Although it may work in the short term (yes, he wants sex, so you DO get what you want initially), it will definitely NOT make him respect you more, love you more, and make him more willing to please you.
Instead, he will secretly start to hate you for this.
In the long run, you are more likely to need the advice I wrote over at my how to get your ex boyfriend back guide, because the undercurrent of resentment can quickly build to a point where he needs to 'feel like a man' elsewhere outside of your relationship.
We girls sometimes like to joke about this, but in reality men are not little kids. And they most certainly don't like to be treated as such. If you reduce him to a kid by rewarding/punishing him with sex, he will feel a sting in his male pride, that he will not easily forgive you for.
He will soon lose every interest in pleasing you, if he is not rewarded with sex. Usually he will start to do the absolute bare minimum that he can get away with and still have enough sex to survive on.
Eventually, if you push him too far, he will start cheating on you with a woman that DOES make him feel like a man, or he will just leave you.
So there you have it: Blackmail a guy with sex, and you are in for a lot of trouble. Lots of other girls will tell you different, but I am convinced this is true.
If you are one of these girls that is using this method to "educate" your boyfriend or husband, I would suggest that you stop doing this, and instead just give him some great sex, without asking for anything in return.
Keep doing this for a month (at first he will be suspicious that you want something in return, and he's right to suspect you!). But if you start to have sex with him without the "reward/punishment" system in place, you WILL see a big, big improvement in your relationship, most of the time within a month.
Extra Sex, Extra Love, Extra Everything
OK if you are NOT treating your man as a little boy sex-wise, sorry for rambling on like that! :D I just wanted to get that bit out very clearly, because I feel it is a major problem in so many relationships, that can easily be fixed.
So what else can we do to improve our relationship with sex?
Well, we women sometimes tend to believe that in order to have sex, we must be in a super romantic mood.. Everything has to be perfect, the house has to be spotless and clean, everyting has to add up. And if not..
Then we "don't feel like it". Or maybe have the cliché "headache" even.
But have you ever tried reversing this? If you want your man to co-operate to improve your relationship, there is nothing easier and more helpful than to have great sex with him.. Often! He will love you for it! And he will probably be "thanking" you in a lot of different ways..
- He may start to give you backrubs again (not as "foreplay" but just out of genuine affection) ;)
- He will do more chores around the house, just because he feels good about himself, thanks to you, and he wants to make you happy.
- He might get a promotion at work, because he is not so tense and frustrated anymore, and more at ease..
- And so forth.
It's all tied together. A better, more loving relationship will often start with the physical aspect. A better sex life leads to a multitude of positive impulses, that in turn strengthen the relationship and lead to more positive results.
How To Get Over "The Headache"
So if you don't have the urge to have sex with your partner often, should you just let him "have his way with you" because of all the benefits for your relationship?
I strongly advise against that.
Contradictionary? Well it may seem so, but in fact.. Not in the least!
For you to enjoy having more sex with your partner and improve your relationship, you should try to participate more actively. So it's NOT about just lying there and let him "do his thing", that would be both degrading and counter productive. He would probably feel that you do it just for him, and that's not helpful.
If you change your mindset and actively search out sex, look for opportunities where/how you can seduce him, initiate new positions, or new locations.. Your mind is actively working on becoming a more sexual being, even subconsciously. So you will notice pretty quickly that your libido is rising, and you will be craving sex more and more!
This is especially true because of all the confirmation you will receive from your husband or boyfriend. You will start to feel more sexy and desirable. So not only are you improving your relationship, you are also boosting your confidence and self esteem. As you can see, it's all upsides and no downsides if you decide to increase and improve the sex you have with your partner.
Well this is another mighty lengthy hub.. ;) Sorry if I overdid it.
I hope you girls found some helpful advice here to improve your relationship. Of course I realize it is not applicable to every situation, but still there are lots of women out there who are making mistakes in their sex lives that could easily be avoided. If you have any comments or questions, let me know!