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Improve Your Relationship By Improving Your Sex Life

Updated on December 11, 2010

Author: Esmeralda Redfield

Hey girls! (Yes this hub is for girls.. Sorry guys! ;) But you can read it as well, and let me know what you think.)

I want to share something with you that can improve your relationship. Something I noticed that a lot of girls do wrong (in my opinion), and it's preventing them from having the relationship that they want: A loving, caring and balanced one.

Sometimes your relationship is not working as planned. It just seems the communication is not there, or it's not intense enough.. Or maybe you feel like your guy is giving too much attention to other girls (on TV, the internet or in real life). Or a thousand other different things could be going on in your relationship that you are dissatisfied with.

Often, as a result, your sex life becomes less intense (or less frequent) as well.

There are a lot of things you could try to do in order to improve your relationship, but in my humble opinion, the best and easiest change that you can make, is improving your sex life.

A bad (and/or infrequent) sex life is often a result of other problems, and not the direct reason. However, if you manage to cure this, the other relationship problems will start to get smaller as well.. Because your man will be thankful and happy, and willing to work on solving your problems together!

First I will talk about a common mistake women tend to make in how they look at their sex life. Of course this does not apply to everyone, but if you recognize yourself in the example I would really think about doing this different.

Crime and Punishment - A Major Misconception

The other day, my friend Mariah came to my house, she's one of my best and oldest friends. She was very upset about her husband, so I gave her some tea and tried to calm her down, and asked her to explain what was going on.

A stream of complaints started: He had failed to do the dishes (as he promised) AGAIN, he always left his clothes on the floor just where he took them off, he was a lazy bum in general, and so on and so forth.

And then she ended her story with: "He is sure as h*ll not getting any sex this week!"

Do you recognize this..? Even if it's not you, then probably one of your friends chooses to punish her man like a little boy when he doesn't do what she wants.. Mariah's husband is no angel for sure, but I really had to disagree with her "solution" to her marital problem..

Fact is, a lot of women use sex as a weapon within a relationship. They use it to reward their man, and they use it to punish him. Often girls think they can "educate" their man to act like they want, by limiting the amount of sex they have with him. In my opinion it's the single easiest way to make a good relationship go sour.

Although it may work in the short term (yes, he wants sex, so you DO get what you want initially), it will definitely NOT make him respect you more, love you more, and make him more willing to please you.

Instead, he will secretly start to hate you for this.

In the long run, you are more likely to need the advice I wrote over at my how to get your ex boyfriend back guide, because the undercurrent of resentment can quickly build to a point where he needs to 'feel like a man' elsewhere outside of your relationship.

We girls sometimes like to joke about this, but in reality men are not little kids. And they most certainly don't like to be treated as such. If you reduce him to a kid by rewarding/punishing him with sex, he will feel a sting in his male pride, that he will not easily forgive you for.

He will soon lose every interest in pleasing you, if he is not rewarded with sex. Usually he will start to do the absolute bare minimum that he can get away with and still have enough sex to survive on.

Eventually, if you push him too far, he will start cheating on you with a woman that DOES make him feel like a man, or he will just leave you.

So there you have it: Blackmail a guy with sex, and you are in for a lot of trouble. Lots of other girls will tell you different, but I am convinced this is true.

If you are one of these girls that is using this method to "educate" your boyfriend or husband, I would suggest that you stop doing this, and instead just give him some great sex, without asking for anything in return.

Keep doing this for a month (at first he will be suspicious that you want something in return, and he's right to suspect you!). But if you start to have sex with him without the "reward/punishment" system in place, you WILL see a big, big improvement in your relationship, most of the time within a month.

Extra Sex, Extra Love, Extra Everything

OK if you are NOT treating your man as a little boy sex-wise, sorry for rambling on like that! :D I just wanted to get that bit out very clearly, because I feel it is a major problem in so many relationships, that can easily be fixed.

So what else can we do to improve our relationship with sex?

Well, we women sometimes tend to believe that in order to have sex, we must be in a super romantic mood.. Everything has to be perfect, the house has to be spotless and clean, everyting has to add up. And if not..

Then we "don't feel like it". Or maybe have the cliché "headache" even.

But have you ever tried reversing this? If you want your man to co-operate to improve your relationship, there is nothing easier and more helpful than to have great sex with him.. Often! He will love you for it! And he will probably be "thanking" you in a lot of different ways..

  • He may start to give you backrubs again (not as "foreplay" but just out of genuine affection) ;)
  • He will do more chores around the house, just because he feels good about himself, thanks to you, and he wants to make you happy.
  • He might get a promotion at work, because he is not so tense and frustrated anymore, and more at ease..
  • And so forth.

It's all tied together. A better, more loving relationship will often start with the physical aspect. A better sex life leads to a multitude of positive impulses, that in turn strengthen the relationship and lead to more positive results.

How To Get Over "The Headache"

So if you don't have the urge to have sex with your partner often, should you just let him "have his way with you" because of all the benefits for your relationship?

I strongly advise against that.

Contradictionary? Well it may seem so, but in fact.. Not in the least!

For you to enjoy having more sex with your partner and improve your relationship, you should try to participate more actively. So it's NOT about just lying there and let him "do his thing", that would be both degrading and counter productive. He would probably feel that you do it just for him, and that's not helpful.

If you change your mindset and actively search out sex, look for opportunities where/how you can seduce him, initiate new positions, or new locations.. Your mind is actively working on becoming a more sexual being, even subconsciously. So you will notice pretty quickly that your libido is rising, and you will be craving sex more and more!

This is especially true because of all the confirmation you will receive from your husband or boyfriend. You will start to feel more sexy and desirable. So not only are you improving your relationship, you are also boosting your confidence and self esteem. As you can see, it's all upsides and no downsides if you decide to increase and improve the sex you have with your partner.

Well this is another mighty lengthy hub.. ;) Sorry if I overdid it.

I hope you girls found some helpful advice here to improve your relationship. Of course I realize it is not applicable to every situation, but still there are lots of women out there who are making mistakes in their sex lives that could easily be avoided. If you have any comments or questions, let me know!


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    • DeviousOne profile image


      6 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      I'm a guy and I thought hub to be quite interesting and most of the points are quite valid and important. Men want to feel loved - not necesssarily punished for wanting to relax instead of doing the dishes when they've had a tough day at work. The time for the dishes will come, but the time for the loving should always be there.

      My wife set up a website specialising in lingerie, toys, games and other accessories, all of which can help stimulate the bedroom experience. It's always important to keep in mind that both parties can do their bit to make the experience more fun and enjoyable.

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      but will he begin to take advantage of this? or begin to get bored because he doesn't have to work for it? by the way this article is very interesting!

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      Im 20 and just came across this article. Its probably the most brilliant thing i have ever heard of. My boyfirned and I have been having some trouble and I think this is the way to go about it. I love sex and he loves sex. When I punish him, I am punishing myself as well haha.

    • Adrian Williams profile image

      Adrian Williams 

      6 years ago from Austin, Texas

      Million dollar question: How do you get her to understand and follow through with this? It seems like when i try to explain this (which feels like dumping out all of my testosterone) she doesn't get it?? Im in this situation to the T! Classic! I don't want to do anything foolish but i feel like my DNA is driving, not me! Help Please!

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      I wish I could get m wife to read this and see it this way

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      Hellz yeah i dont want that reward/punishment just do it when we both feel it!

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      Been with my boyfriend a year and a half now and our relationship started off hot n heavy and then it fell off...I notice it got worse when I started complaining...(out of fear and anxiety) So I had to take a step back be realistic about what things were in my control and what things were not...What I could change and what I couldn't change. Then I realized the only person that I could be responsible for was myself. I can't be responsible for him and how he's feeling. So I stopped focusing on him and started focusing on me. I prayed about the situation and I started getting busy doing my own thing. After a couple of weeks I noticed a shift in his attitude...he was calling more, coming over more and the next thing you know we are back to hot and heavy...The last couple of weeks I've incorporated a little freaky with the hot n heavy and the relationship has taken a dramatic turn for the better. Yes we spend a lot of time in the bedroom but now he seeks me out...we work out together, we do lunch, we watch football together, he comes over when he's stressed out, says things like...Im coming over because I want to see you...There is definitely a greater connection between us now...Having more sex seems to improve our relationship. But here's the warning...If having more sex means that it puts you in an abusive situation where you life, health, self-esteem, financial or overall well being is being jeopardized....DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!...That is probably a relationship you need to get out of and FAST! No one has the right to abuse you, violate you, make you do things you don't want to do, That's ABUSE! Get help IMMEDIATELY!

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      Thank you for your article.

      I love my signifigant other immensely, but she is not interested in even attempting to meet my emotional needs (again, thank you for framing this subject in that manner...most women I know believe that sex is just something that their sweaty, rutting husband "wants" or "demands", rather than seeing that sex, to a man, is how he shows intimacy, and is how his emotional needs are met).

      Here's where the chicken and the egg argument comes into play: my "other" states that she isn't interested in me sexually, because of my depression (which is primarily due to lack of sex, and the hit to the self-esteem that one takes when one realizes that their partner just isn't that "into" them).

      She states that on the rare, rare, extremely rare occassions that she's initiated any type of sexual contact, that I appear distant, or not interested. It should be noted that these rarities generally follow an argument involving our sex life (or lack thereof), and it always feels as if she's initiating a "pity f*ck", which makes it very difficult for me to generate any type of desire for her...

      But the constant rejections of my desire for her leave my cup empty. How can she expect to drink from an empty cup? It's an awful catch-22 in which to be snared...


      and thanks again for the fine article.

    • Italian Writer profile image

      Italian Writer 

      7 years ago

      You wrote: ... "If you want your man to co-operate to improve your relationship, there is nothing easier and more helpful than to have great sex with him. Often! He will love you for it! And he will probably be "thanking" you in a lot of different ways." ... I Love it! And all the sentences in bold letters! Well, your entire article is professional and great, it is wonderful that a lady tells all this ideas to the ladies, really Thank you!

    • profile image

      Stockings lover 

      7 years ago

      Love your Article and love you for the wat you help girlls not doing that big mistake

    • dawnM profile image

      Dawn Michael 

      8 years ago from THOUSAND OAKS

      Essy84, great job explaining your point to women and so very true about using sex against your man. In fact men are different than women and how they understand intimacy and love. Men gain a great deal of love with their wives through love making and when that is taken away from them, they feel unloved by their wives. Many women do not understand how important sex is in marriage for a man. Punishing a man by taking away sex is only going to make matters worse!

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Fantastic article! From a man's perspective in a relationship I am more likely to help out around the house and handle my sh!@t if I am well sexed...Like a well-oiled machine!

      But hold it(sex) over my head, as a weapon, and it becomes war!!!

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      the author has done an excellent job!! thanks for the guidance ..i was doing the same mistake and didn't understand my husband!! I too was depressed expecting things from him which he sees completely different from what I do.We both will read the articles and understand how a man and woman's perspective changes in all aspects..thanks again :) keep up the good work...

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      This topic is the cause of many arguments with my husband. While I don't see myself as "witholding" sex as weapon, I do admit that I stand for improvement in this dept.I am not a very sexual person, never have been. My question is this. You and your husband/partner discuss what you need from each other to feel loved. But what if the efforts you do make, whether small or significant aren't enough? I will try things "once in a blue moon"(according to him) and comments are made. Such, "well it would be nice if you did this more often" or "its about time" .And to me that is just the biggest slap in the face. One b/c its not said in a humorous tone, its said in a dissappointed and harsh tone. I am making an effort and you shut me down. So why do you(my hubby) tell me you want me to take more innitiaive, then when I do...discredit it? He says, if I made an effort more he wouldn't say those things, and I have told him, that everytime he does he pushes me farther away. Just to say "thanks honey, I love this".

      Also, I have an issue with this. I agree that someone has to take the higher road to get the reconciliation going.But men, maybe you can answer this. Words hurt, the tone can make the biggest difference in the world. How are we(I) supposed to overlook the harshness, snappiness and bad mood that you are in for 2-3 days straight to "make you feel loved" Please don't get me wrong, I know we all go have bad days/weeks. But it is emotinally draining when you live with that. And speaking for me, I certainly don't feel like showing you "how much I love" when you just cussed me up one side and down the other either the day before or earlier that day. Especially without a sincere apology. Sorry to ramble, but I don't know what to do. I am honestly at a crossroad and I am wanting to take that turn of leaving b/c I can't give him what he wants, yet he is not willing to see the part that he plays in my being distant.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      it's very nice article, well done.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      If sex is not enjoyable, it may be helpful to investigate foreskin restoration. Do a search, and you'll find out what it's all about. Thanks. :)

    • Shaggy Affiliate profile image

      Shaggy Affiliate 

      8 years ago

      Easy Angel....just various points of view.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      I suppose I just don't understand where you are going with the article. It seems to me that it changes topics often. Also, I have no hidden agendas as you described, so perhaps I cannot truly see from your point of view. I shall take my opinions elsewhere, then.

    • Essy84 profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago

      Thank you for your comment Angel, although you totally missed the point of this article..

      It is meant for girls/women who use sex as a weapon in a relationship to get their guy to do what they want. A lot of women do this.

      "Also, if your relationship is so screwed up to the point where you need to be taking advice like this, then you don't need to be with that person. You shouldn't change yourself radically for someone."

      This automatically means that the relationship is "screwed up" because of the other persons fault. I am trying to point out that in a lot of relationships, it is actually the woman who is trying to be manipulative. Most of the time they don't mean bad, they just feel like they need to do this to get a false sense of control. This "battle for control" often ruins what could have been a great relationship.

      Also, there is nothing wrong with changing your behaviour if you do it out of your own free will. I can hardly force someone to do what they don't want to with a simple article. It is just advice, and if it rings true to some people they might benefit from it.

      Obviously this advice doesn't apply to every scenario, but I have already pointed that out several times throughout the article.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      I think that if your husband, boyfriend etc is giving attention to other girls, you probably should leave him. I know that men like us to think that this is "normal" and that we should accept it, but I know otherwise. I've known men who aren't this way. I only date men who respect me and my feelings about this. I would never date a man who looked at porn, nor have I ever. Also, if your relationship is so screwed up to the point where you need to be taking advice like this, then you don't need to be with that person. You shouldn't change yourself radically for someone. There are other people out there. Other people who would be better to you and more compatible with you.

      Furthermore, if you aren't liking the sex with your partner, that's all the more reason to leave him. Go find yourself someone who you enjoy having sex with or someone who likes sex less frequently. I know that sometimes you have to compromise to be in a relationship if you love someone, but too much giving in will just make you more unhappy in the long run.

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      hi, i found the articles here very interesting, helpful and reliable. thanks for sharing these thoughts!

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      Thanks for posting!!!! I've been having some realationship problems. And I have been dealing with my realationship issues totally WRONG! Which I thought was the right way to deal with it turns out it is getting me no where. If anything I making him turn away from me! I going to try a totally different way to fix our realationship problems which, includes me focusing on his wants and needs first! Hopefully I will be able to change things around!

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      I think your hub and ideas are both sound; however, many relationships are dysfunctional to begin with, and the idealistic approach to sexual intimacy may not be appropriate for women who are 'spoiling' their partners already.

      I agree with you that men need sex as much as women need attention, and that reciprocating fulfillment is a worthwhile investment. It cannot always 'fix' things, or people, though, and trying to maintain a 'healthy' sex life in the face of other deficits may actually be damaging.

      But a hearty Bravo! for broaching such a delicate subject and encouraging women in general to be physically understanding.

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      Us girls will try to follow your article, Thank you for your advice .

    • andromida profile image

      syras mamun 

      9 years ago

      very interesting and important article.Many relationships can get better or even can be saved if we follow your ideas.Thanks.

    • Essy84 profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago

      Thanks EM, you're probably right it's the title. Although I didn't make this hub for "as big a public as possible".. I am still not sure if I want to share it with a broad range of readers.

      So I am doing quite well :P not many readers at all. ;)

      @rachel: thanks, that's very nice of you :)

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      This article is great and very informative. Thanks for this good advice!

    • Everyday Miracles profile image

      Becki Rizzuti 

      9 years ago from Indiana, USA

      I'm getting traffic on my similar hub. Strange that you aren't. I think that it might be my title. The *exact* title is very likely going to wind up being a search term at some point. I'm getting a fair number of hits from a search for "sexy auntie" too though? LOL

      Maybe you'll get some more now ;)

    • Essy84 profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago

      Thanks guys :) Especially Jerrico once again for the encouragement..

      This hub still gets next to no visitors, and no comments at all. But I will leave it here just for Jerrico to save him time from explaining the obvious to his friends ;)

      And it's true, writing the thing was a way to vent, because I think this is such an easy and overlooked way to improve a relationship it baffles me at times that it is hardly ever practiced. People (women?) often choose to seek conflict, rather than find creative ways to persuade the other party to a mutual beneficial approach. :)

      Well if you are reading this you probably stumbled here by accident so I will shut up now :P (or if Jerrico sent you: listen to him, he knows stuff).

    • Jerrico Usher profile image

      Jerrico Usher 

      9 years ago from Bend, Oregon

      Yea don't remove it, it's the hub I link my friends to (instead of tirelessly trying to explain this to them) :) By the way most of what I write about seems to be 'obvious' but just remember, common sense is 'not so common' right? The beauty of hubbing is you get to vent, and portray your perspective of even obvious things, and you never know how many you touch with your words... just because nobody comments doesn't mean it doesn't affect them profoundly... Hell I use hubpages mostly as a journal entry of things I'm learning, a consolidation of a point, and sometimes writing hubs just helps me figure things out... meanwhile I get tons of comments about how my hub helped someone (and I never even expected anyone to read it because it was too "wordy"... even my hubs with 10k words and no pictures get read, go figure. Keep hubbing and NEVER EVER EVER remove a good hub... so what if people don't read it, or its too strongly worded (this one isn't by the way) in that case write a whole new hub rewording the concept (that's two adsense income producing pages right? one for the smart people, one for those grownups who graduated high school in the 4th grade :)


    • tonymac04 profile image

      Tony McGregor 

      9 years ago from South Africa

      Great Hub and thanks for not removing it!

      Love and peace


    • Essy84 profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago

      Thanks Jerrico, really appreciate it!

      I always thought of these things as a "no-brainer", and writing this hub it felt somewhat like I was stating the obvious..

      But around me I keep seeing girls who just don't grasp this concept, and choose to start a negative spiral instead of a positive one. I think they get addicted to the feeling of "control" it gives them, regardless of the negative repercussions.

      Thanks again for the encouraging comment, I had actually been thinking about removing this hub again, because no-one commented on it yet, and I thought I might had worded it a bit too strong.

    • Jerrico Usher profile image

      Jerrico Usher 

      9 years ago from Bend, Oregon

      Brilliant article, I've been telling women this for years but they simply don't get it, I get the rediculous "your just a guy and all you men want is sex so of course your saying that" babble. I've come to understand psychology very well over the years and I spent a lot of time educating my friends on relationships as well and it's refreshing to hear this coming out of a womans mouth/hub (now I have backup to my concept of relationships and sex!) Thank you for writing this...



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