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In Love but Sick and Confused...

Updated on June 27, 2009

The Loving Rascal Who Cheats Conflict

Question: My boyfriend is an alcoholic and sometimes  he cheats on me  and he abuses me.  He accuses me of cheating but I never have. I am sure that I love him, what should I d

It's evident that this problem you have described is important to you. It's no fun to have such strong feelings for another who, by his actions, seems not to reciprocate the feelings you have for him. A useful rule to follow, i think, is not what they say, but what they do. You have heard it before, "by their actions shall we know them."

You say you love him, and I'm sure that the feelings seem very strong to you. I wonder if you have written down somewhere why you love him, and the things you can't stand about him (such as the drinking problem, the flirting with other women, and the callous disregard for your feelings might be a start). You didn't make yourself sick and tired, so you have to ask yourself, who made me sick and tired? After you have written down the likes and dislikes, compare the two.

Next, ask yourself if this is this the person you want to start your married life with? Perhaps you could get a journal and write about it, or continue to write on the Internet. You might be surprised at your own wisdom when your feelings start coming out.

Finally, what would be the consequences of having a family with this man? Marriages usually don't get better because of children, especially when the other is still playing around with the notion of having several women in his life at once, even if it is just a fantasy.

Talk with someone you trust. They shouldn't make you feel bad because you fell for this man, but will listen and offer some sound advise. The heart breakers of the world are very good at what they do. they are driven by a need for multiple partners. They usually give clues to what kind of person they are. They depend on the trust and normal upbringing of another so they can take advantage. When we are forewarned, we can turn what we know to our own advantage and not get involved at all. too often these types turn into jealous maniacs, stalkers, or jailers.  Most pathological, jealous tyes had a cheating parent or they judge the behaviour of others as if it were their own. In other words, they my be cheating, and this standard becomes a global imperativie.  Does everyone cheat?  Of course not. 

Unlike many who trust their own instincts and jump into relationships with these types, you have taken a risk and asked for help. You are willing to examine this person under the harsh light of truth.  Nothing is better than bringing friends, parents and relatives into your confidence. If you are feeoling afraid, uneasy, or overwhelmed, call the woman's shelter in your community  they have counselors who are trained and know how to keep you safe. they offer up solutions when all seems hopeless.  they can help with the legal maze and the p;roblems if there are children involved.

The cheater's number one goal (besides controlling and dominating your every waking hour)is to isolate you from your family and friends, and sometimes even the church.  they feel threatened because they iknow that their feelings are irrational but their needs are so great, they are compelled to act irrationally.

Also, try meditation or prayer and see if some answers don't appear. Will this person interfere with your spiritual life?  Will he help you or just add another burden to your life?  If you have lost connecdtion  with your spiritual life,  it may be well to go back and see what it was that made you happiest  during an earlier time.  what do you need to do to get that back? Good luck and many blessings in your search for union with another.


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      mike king 8 years ago from california

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