- Gender and Relationships»
Infatuation is Not The Same With Love
Beware of Infatuation
John Mordi had been married three times, and each time, it was wonderful before they married, but somehow after the wedding things fall apart. All the feeling of love disappears. The first marriage lasted for six years, the second for four years and the last for eight years.
In most cases couples cannot understand what went wrong because they had continued to do those things they did before marriage. Some couples after a few months after marriage they start to complain about trivial issues like leaving clothes on the chair, throwing stockings on the floor, and later the character of their spouses, cases of infidelity later follow. But before marriage everything appeared to be wonderful.
When young people are infatuated, the experience is euphoric. They are emotionally obsessed with each other. They go to sleep and wake thinking of each other. They have the illusion that their partner is perfect. They believe they are going to have marital bliss and make each other very happy. Other people could have marital problems but not them. They believe any difference that may develop will be mutually settled, with one of them always ready to make concessions. They have that erroneous belief that nothing can ever come between them. They dream of a home where they will laugh more and quarrel less; where there will be more hugs than hostility; where they and their children truly love one another.
When the young couples are infatuated, their reasoning abilities are disengaged, and they often find themselves doing and saying things, that they would never have done in more sober moments. But when they come down from the emotional obsession they often wonder why they did what they did. They now question why they married their partner when they seem not to agree on anything.
It is after the infatuation has worn off, that they recognize that some of their partner’s personality traits are actually irritating. He will discover that his wife’s behavior patterns are annoying. She will come to accept that her husband has the capacity for hurt and anger, perhaps even harsh words and brutal tendencies. Those little traits that they initially overlooked become a source of grief. It is then that the feeling of regret starts to rear its ugly head and they ask themselves, “How could I have been so blind and foolish.” Their dreams of living happily ever after had been dashed by unfolding realities. This complaint of their partner’s misbehavior destroys the happiness of the marriage and give rise to unbearable heartaches.
This time, a look can hurt and a word can crush. Former lovers can become enemies, and their home a battlefield. This is the period many couples curse marriage and their partners whom they once loved. The question they keep asking themselves is what happened to the love they shared.
The problem is the wrong notion they had that infatuation will last forever. If this happened, it would have been disastrous because infatuated people normally lose interest in other pursuits except themselves. Many infatuated people are known to have allowed their education, business and other field of their endeavor to suffer neglect because at this time everything is irrelevant except them. A worker has complained to me, “Since I met her, I can’t keep my mind on my job.” While a student has equally confessed that, “I can’t concentrate on my studies since I met my new girl. I spend my day dreaming about her.”
The newly married couples most times fail to reckon with the reality of human nature. After some time they normally return to the world of reality and each partner will start to assert himself. Each person’s desires will most times differ from that of his partner. When he wants sex, she is tired. When he wants to buy a car, they disagree on the brand. Little by little, the illusive emotional intimacy evaporates, and the individual desires, emotions, thoughts, and behavior patterns begin to exert themselves.
It becomes clear that they are two individuals and that their personalities have not quite blended together. Seldom do a husband and wife have the same personality traits. Once you identify and learn to understand your spouse’s strength and weaknesses, you would have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage. When this has been done, love need not evaporate after some time, but in order to keep it alive some effort has to be applied in respecting your spouse. If things are not handled well, this is the time couples fall out of love, separate or even divorce, and set off in search of a new love or they begin the hard work of learning to understand each other. They feel that they are destined to a life of misery with their spouses or they must take their leave and try again. Modern generation goes for taking their leave hence the increasing rate of divorce cases.
The kind of love that sustains marriage requires effort and discipline. In infatuation, they are pushed and carried along by instinctual force that goes beyond their normal behavior patterns. The newly married couples feel secure when they are assured that their partners accept them, want them, and are committed to their emotions.