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Is It Wrong To Wear Lingerie Behind Your Wife's Back?

Updated on May 17, 2010

This is a big question. For some men, it is the big question, the question on which entire lifetimes of love and family hinge. Is it wrong not to tell your wife you wear lingerie? Is it wrong to secretly wear lingerie behind a woman's back?

In an ideal world a man would tell his wife that he liked to wear lingerie, she would agree that she also liked wearing lingerie and they would continue doing the dishes. Lingerie is just clothing and in a serious relationship what the two of you are wearing is usually the least of your real world concerns. However this is not an ideal world and many women lack the broadness of mind it takes to realize that lingerie is just clothing and not symptomatic of some deep instability in a man's personality. Some women also take appearances very seriously indeed, and if you have one of those lovely ladies on your arm you can be sure that she doesn't want you even so much as thinking about trying to upstage her in the femininity department.

In general, I believe that it is only right and fair that you at least tell the woman in your life that you like to wear lingerie. If you do not you are denying her the chance to be close to you and you are denying her the chance to actually show you that she does love you no matter what you wear. If you do want to tell the special lady in your life that you wear lingerie, I've written a couple of guides. You can find them here, here, and here. People have found them quite useful, and there are some great comments from men who have lived through the experience and survived, so I really do recommend that you at least browse them if you're contemplating honesty.

Usually, guides or not, men will at least hint towards the idea to see if the woman in their life is receptive. Receiving a sharp rebuttal in the feeling out stages will make a man realize that his wife is not interested in such things and due to societal conditioning and a disposition towards accepting the status quo as the holy grail, may even hold the idea of a men wearing 'women's' clothing abhorrent. Is this an illogical and misandric position to hold? Yes. A thousand times yes. But I've written about these things several times so there is no real need to repeat myself now is there, now, in this article, we must deal with the fact that there are men who love women who are unable to love them for who they really are. Reality is sometimes unpleasant but we have to climb down off our unicorn clouds and deal with it at some point.

Let's all get off our unicorn clouds in Part Two of this piece...


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      Niqqi 7 years ago

      I agree with Bob/Becky. Honesty is the best policy. Hope and other hubbers have written extensively about how keeping secrets about such things as this can harm relationships.

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      Bob/Becky 7 years ago

      I told my girlfriend early on giving us the option of working out any issues that it may have caused. She has been accepting over the last three years and is becoming more comfortable with it. We were married last month and are planning a second wedding where I get to be the bride. I believe honesty is the best policy.

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      Hope Alexander 7 years ago

      EmmLouise, your comment tripped the family friendly filters and couldn't be posted, but I'll post the gist of it here:

      No, it is self-preservation. When I told my partner 3 years ago, she said she would never be intimate with me again. She has kept that promise and is moving out in 1 month.

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      AlanaRaso 7 years ago

      I guess I do live in an ideal world. I told my now wife of 21 years on our third date that I like to wear silky clothing. She said she did too. That was it. 21 years + four kids later. We still like wearing silky clothing. The kids reaction is "whatever" and our bedroom is a boudoir fantasyland.

      The truth is a whole lot more than lingerie went into the marriage. Lingerie is but the sprinkles onto of the cupcake.

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      Mike 7 years ago

      It may not be wrong, but it can be quite frustrating for many of us. My paty wearing was relegated for many years to those times that my wife was away for two, or more days. Usually visting family. I often found myself hoping she would extend the trip, so I could enjoy my time in panties longer. Recently she was on an extended trip, and I was in panties ( and heaven ) 24-7 for two weeks. Tired of laundering the same 2-3 "borrowed" panties, I went out of town, and purchased some of my own. Now I was not only in panties daily. But had the added joy of wearing panties of my own choice of style, and material. As her return became imminent, the thought of having to go back to "manly" underwear was disheartening to say the least. I determined myself to tell her of my desires. I even went out, and bought more panties. On the premise that it would be too hard to hide them from her. So I would "have" to tell her.

      After 22 years of marriage my wife now knows my "dark secret". I'm not sure she fully understands. Particularlly how much I enjoy shopping( even if it's internet window shopping ) for them. It's not important though for her to understand ( I'm not sure she, or any SO could ), and I feel no need to try to make her understand. She accepts, and supports me, and that is all I can ask.

      Now I can fully enjoy my love of panties, which is different from, but is certainly not competitive of my love for her. I can go shopping, pick them up, admire them, and select those that call out to me without turning a deaf ear as I had to in the past. I still go out of town to shop, or my wife willingly gives me "cover" to shop locally. This is more for her than myself ( it's a small town, and the gossip mill could be harmful to her career ). Plus I feel no need to make an "in your face" statement of my underwear choice. Maybe thiose who know me shouldn't care. But why put them into a care, or not position? They really have no reason to know what's under my jeans, and I have no reason to let them know.

      Back to the premise of the article. I really don't know what I would do, or feel if she had rejected this part of me. If I had to return to "behind the back" wearing. Disappointment? Certainly. Sadness, hurt? Probabley. Resentment? I don't think, and hope not. I am just grateful I didn't have to find out. And love my wife even more, for not making me have to find out.

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      Zeta 7 years ago

      Thanks Hope.

      I've always tried to be honest in my relationships, and this has been particularly important in my marriage of 47 years. I found honesty, respect, love and patience were required to bring my wife to the point of acceptance. After some thirty years she was to the point of sharing her lingerie and clothing with me and making some especially for me. My trust in her and her acceptance of me in this aspect of my personality only strengthened an already strong bond.