I think I know too much Or maybe instead it’s that I’ve seen too much There is too much to know But is there too much to see? I haven’t looked into a microscope in decades Nor a telescope But I know what I can’t see has no impact on my heart And what I have seen has dulled my heart For I’ve seen joy And pain And beauty And rust I’ve been through good times Especially as a child Until one day I was told we were leaving I still can feel that horrible feeling And the prayers that it wasn’t true But then it was true We drove away and the children who ran behind us are grown up now As I am Or maybe some of them are dead I don’t know I just don’t know Kind of like I don’t know about the magnetic poles shifting Or what that means to humans I could look it up But then I’d just forget what it means I once knew the table of elements or whatever it’s called What’s funny is that I was probably smarter in high school than I am now But other than learning to type what did I do with all that knowledge? I don’t know I just don’t know I spent a lot of time talking to a man who later took his own life I knew he was in pain but he seemed so amazing to me He could paint And he always said the most soulful things I wonder if soul is the thing you choose instead of happiness I’m not sure if you can have both Because with soul you feel everything With happiness you feel nothing except only things that makes you feel good Because if you thought beyond those things then you’d start to cry I mean how could you not? Fleeting is a word I think about often Fleeting Think about that It means only for a short while But what do we do in the time between one short while and the next? That is the secret to life And I have no idea about it except that it exists Just like things you see under a microscope or in a telescope That’s the time when who we really are happens inside our own heart It’s what makes us want to do something about ourselves Or meet someone Or go on a trip Or read a book It’s the moment when you aren’t actually doing anything Except existing And some do just exist But others think about how they are just existing It’s that self-consciousness that spoils a bottle of beer with a friend Or makes you afraid to walk up to a pretty girl and introduce yourself I’ve never been able to do that I always assume that I will have nothing to say And the funny thing is that I’ve always been the one who talks too much Yet the last thing I said makes me think I’ll never say anything ever again Yet I do And it’s on and on like that I was happy once Actually probably more than once But the one time I’m thinking about lasted for years Then it ended Then it started again Then it ended Then it started again And you know what was the on and off button? It was the same thing A woman Not the same one Just different women I always meet women All the time Sometimes they meet me But either way we meet Then off we go and it’s great Then it ends Or sometimes it needs to end but it doesn’t And it lingers and it eats us up And we become people that we hate We hate each other and ourselves Why do we let it get to that point? Why can’t we just either not drive that way Or just take the exit? You take yours and I’ll take mine Whichever comes first So now I think I’m just tired Happy is something that I read about Or see in the faces of children at recess The other day my daughter and two of her friends sang songs for me And I thought of nothing but them And it was nice Then I left And I took it with me because I envied them They were so simple yet so enthusiastic So sincere It was amazing And I didn’t want to spoil it with my cynicism So I just became their audience and acted stupid I’m good at that Being silly Maybe I should have been a circus clown Because that’s all it is sometimes The rest of it is of no interest to me None at all I could get in the car and drive downtown and try to meet someone But I’d just be getting back on that freeway looking for my exit We could drive fast for a while It’d be a happy trip But then I’d see the sign in the distance The green one with the arrows I wonder if it’s yours or mine?