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Non-Monogamy: Is Love Still Sacred in Polyamory?

Updated on September 17, 2010

Oh Jeez, Are You Talking About Polygamy?

No, not at all.

Polygamy is having more than one spouse at a time.  That's the simple definition.  This term is about marriage.

Polyamory is having more than one intimate partner at a time.  It is having more than one girlfriend or boyfriend, much the same way people have a singular dating or sexual partner at a time.

From optimusnews.
From optimusnews.

More Than One Girlfriend? Really?

You mean, being polyamory is collecting girlfriends and/or boyfriends? Isn't that cheating or something equally as vulgar like having a harem?

Now, where did that come from? The polyamory community, in general, has a strong stand in respect and communication.  Now, if they were into BDSM and all partners were consenting, perhaps a harem can be formed.  Perhaps, that's not as bad an idea as you think.

However, polyamorous people are set to respect all the partners involved.  They are the most familiar with these terms: Respect, communication, comfort zone, and rules.  Yes, rules.  Franklin Veaux has explained this so much better than I ever could.

As simplistic as it has been put before, cheating means you are breaking the rules.  When there are partners involved, they usually establish rules that includes awareness of STDs and dealing with jealousy.  Now, supposing you are poly and you break these rules by going behind somebody's back, you have more than one partner who will be angry with you simultaneously!  That ought to discourage notions of cheating at all .

Photo from
Photo from

So, Where Does That Leave Love?

It sounds like polyamorous people just want to have their cake and eat it, too. Sex, sex, and more sex. Where does that leave love?

Here is the theory that has been put into practice. It might blow your mind. Are you ready for it? You polyamorous folks reading this -- don't ruin the surprise! Now, shh. Wait for it, wait for it...

Love is infinite.

Love is timeless.

Indeed, that is what polyamory is really all about, in the larger, general picture of things.  When people mention having more than one partners, the first questions asked are about sex before love is uttered.  In polyamory, love trumps sex everytime.  Sex is a lovely bonus, but it is not what having more than one partner is all about.  That's swinging.  That's a very distinct difference.

The idea is this: Love has no boundaries.  It is possible to have more than one soulmates in a lifetime.  And for those who do not believe in soulmates, they believe in love and that it is possible to be in love with more than one.

But In Monogamy, Love is Sacred!

It is sacred between two people because that's all they need is each other. How can love be sacred if there are more than two people involved?

Love is sacred, period. Love brings out the best and the worst in people. Love is loving that person or this person despite their flaws, because we know we have our own flaws. And love comes in so many forms, spectrums, and color that the human mind's attempt to categorize and simplify often falls short of it.

Love, sometimes, is an entity all its own. We brand it for our own without really seeing its full glory. So, why limit that to monogamy? Monogamous people often do not see the sacredness in love until later. Monogamous people, often, do not date initially for love but for companionship and intimacy which evolves into love later.

So, what is wrong with the polyamorous recognizing love in their own ways and still seeing in it a sacred light? In polyamory, it is seen and practiced that love is multiplied with the addition of partners. We believe and hang onto the notion of scarcity without realizing love doesn't run empty. Our body's capacity to hold energy can run empty, but it almost always refill after a rest, does it not?

Love, on the other hand, is not simply our energy. It is so much more. While we limit our days with time and restrictions, which works to function in the way our society is built today, love is limitless on its own.

What should be more sacred is how you treat your partner, how you treat your loved ones, and how you take care of yourself. Love will take care of itself.

As SognoPiccolo so eloquently put it: "Love will bow to no one, for love is too great a feeling to be completely contained by another."

Editor's Note

This article was written by a monogamous woman who is engaged to marry a monogamous man. My experience with polyamory was brief but a complete learning experience. I learned many more things from the polyamory community than actually being polyamorous.

Monogamy or polyamory failure or success has no bearing on my concept of love. I am the most comfortable with just one man and that is our choice alone. I hope you enjoyed this article as much as I enjoyed writing it.

And don't just take my word for it, either.  There are many other resources to look at, should you need more.

September 14th, 2010


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    • profile image

      hardaztone 5 years ago

      I have often wondered if it as possible to love and deeply care for more than one person in a controlled open relationship. I know I could handle it just didn't know that polyamory existed. I am now meeting the right people to break me in and show me the ropes. Really excited.

    • travislang profile image

      travislang 6 years ago

      being Poly and lived the Monogamy life also, I have to say you hit the nail on the head when describing the lifestyle, and yet it was so beautiful of words as well. not as i had expect to be honest. very well written and i gave it vote up and very useful as well.

    • profile image

      Multiman 7 years ago

      Very well, done and useful I have linked this article to a hub I wrote on Robert A. Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land", which contains a sub-theme of plyamory, and your article explains it a whole lot better than I would have.

    • eslevy17 profile image

      eslevy17 7 years ago

      I've enjoyed the little commentary up there.

      I'm not one for getting sentimental, but it seems pretty plain and simple to me that if you've ever loved more than one person in your life, there's no reason that it couldn't happen simultaneously. Plenty of people have been in love half a dozen times, and if they all came along at the same point in your life, it's silly to say only one of them would be lovable. If everyone's happy, that's all that matters.

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      He He, SognoPiccolo-You're absolutely right-HubOrgy it is! Perfect!

      Sunny-You are special, my friend!

    • profile image

      tina shang 7 years ago

      You have a beautiful mind.

      Your open mind and wisdom far exceeding your years are part of your appeal.

      Of course being young, beautiful and having a nice set of hooters doesn't hurt either. LOL

    • SognoPiccolo profile image

      SognoPiccolo 7 years ago from Wilmington, Ohio

      you like-a-da spam... muahaha...

    • Sunny Robinson profile image

      Sunny Robinson 7 years ago from Tennessee

      LOL Sogno. Yours came up as spam and I had to click NOT SPAM and then approve. I don't know why.

      HubLove, baby. Or HubAmory.

      Lol, lorlie, I feel so special now. /blush

    • SognoPiccolo profile image

      SognoPiccolo 7 years ago from Wilmington, Ohio

      @lorlie6 ... lol... its a HubOrgy lol...

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      See Sunny? We are all displaying polyamorious (?) commenting skills on this hub! Almost like an orgy, huh? ;)

      Just teasing you, Sunny. This is really fascinating-I've never heard of it before.

      Christoph gave me a link to this hub on his crazy cat hub where we are now fighting over you. The HubFlirt comment got us going yet again.

      But that sort of fighting is not in the spirit of this piece, I enjoyed the read!


    • SognoPiccolo profile image

      SognoPiccolo 7 years ago from Wilmington, Ohio

      I love reading your stuffs... because I *HEART* you!

    • Sunny Robinson profile image

      Sunny Robinson 7 years ago from Tennessee

      You are! Lol. Thank you. I'm glad you liked it.

    • SognoPiccolo profile image

      SognoPiccolo 7 years ago from Wilmington, Ohio

      Aww.. I thought I was your favorite commenter? lol... this was very beautifully written my dear.

    • Sunny Robinson profile image

      Sunny Robinson 7 years ago from Tennessee

      Christoph - you may be my favorite commenter yet! I don't know about enlightened, but I do know about being open. Especially to other people's experiences and knowledge. Thank you for this comment! I'm glad you enjoyed reading this hub.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Well, what do you know? I was practicing polyamory the whole time! Not really - I was never in that type of relationship, but I found this most interesting and positive. You really brought an enlightened view to the subject, particularly as someone who does not practice it herself. Outstanding!