- Gender and Relationships
Is She Neurotic or is He Just Not That Attracted to Her? - Relationship Advice
I really enjoy reading your advice you give to others. I've recently started dating someone (1.5months) - he just broke up with his ex and I just broke up with mine, and we met online. I really enjoy spending time with him - he is a very busy guy with work and sports. We see eachother about once a week - he has introduced me to his family and coworkers, he tells me he's excited for our dates, and makes plans with me on the weekend (usually books me 2 days in advance). However this voice in my head keeps telling me I am going to screw this up and I really like this guy...the voice keeps convincing me he doesn't like me. Sometimes I'll add in a flirty comment in an email and get no response from him. I guess the one part I'm having a tough time with is I am a little shy. He ha s held my hand in public once or twice, but I just can't make the first move. I just want to take this relationship to the next level - but given we both just got out of relationships, maybe it's best if we take it slow? We have already slept together, I just find it hard to be affectionate with him (I usually date guys that make all the first moves, and this new guy is a gentleman). Any advice? Am I just being neurotic?
One thing about being the aggressor in a relationship, is that once you establish that role, that's it. You're the aggressor. He won't make the moves. If you're shy and don't want that role, then don't assume it.
He's held hands a couple times, that's very good. But you've already slept with him. Was it just once? Was it awkward? Was there affection before you slept with him, and then that went away afterward?
I actually like that you met online, and moved relatively quickly into real time. Did you meet in an online forum designed to meet dates? If so, then even though there's recent ex's for both of you there is also intent to move on and date someone new. If that is mutual, then that's a good sign.
It is possible that in that little push to get back out there after a break up, you moved too quickly. Maybe the sex happened a little too soon. That may have knocked him off kilter regarding his physical relationship with you. It's normal, natural, and human to have sex, and certainly we've all been there, leaping in a little early. It doesn't sound like it ruined anything, so don't worry about it, but just consider it as a possible factor as to why the physical part of this relationship seems to be a little off.
If he slept with you, I'm pretty sure it's safe to say he finds you attractive. If he's still calling and dating you, then I really don't think you have to worry about his being a gentlemen.
I want to ask about the voice in your head. You don't actually hear a voice that tells you these bad things, right? Things like that you're going to screw this up, and that he doesn't really like you?
Of course I'm thinking you don't actually hear a voice that tells you mean things, but I'd like to make sure.
If you are uncomfortable just letting this blossom or re-bloom at his pace, maybe you could try to talk to him about it. I realize you're shy but maybe you try. It doesn't have to be confrontational or accusing. You could say it smiling and in a fun way. Or you could do it in one of your emails. Next time you say something flirty, and he responds without mentioning it, write back and say "Hey I hope it's ok that I said this "x" flirty thing." Then you have a great opener for the subject next time you see him.
Since you told me you're shy I based some of my advice on what I thought would be appropriate for you. But if it doesn't feel right, by all means just be yourself. If you feel like taking a hold of his hand, take it. If you feel like asking for a kiss, ask. If you feel like stepping things up yourself, go ahead and lead the way. Maybe he's actually more shy than you are, and you're not seeing because you're seeing him as a gentlemen.
I don't think he'd be setting up dates a couple days in advance and introducing you to key people in his life if he wasn't attracted to you. But I really don't know why he's moving so slowly with the affection side of things. Does he know how attracted you are to him? Maybe letting him know in a sweet whisper next time you see him will help encourage him to make a move. Or maybe a more intimate date setting suggestion? You could offer to cook for him. If you're not a cook, maybe next time he asks you to dinner you could offer to make dessert special for him and have it at your place afterwards - it's not too hard to make a cake or something, so it's not a lot of pressure.
Don't listen to any voices that say negative or mean things. I can promise you, those voices are lying.
Do you have a relationship question? Email me through the link in my profile. Thanks!