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Domestic Violence, A Story of Toxic Love
Is this love?
We met in high school at age fifteen. We hit it off and fell in love. Our life together was great. You started to become jealous when I would hang out with my friends. My friends told me you were no good and to get away. I didn't listen to them. Instead I got away from them because I was convinced they were the jealous ones not you. Even your mother told me to run. Her words also meant nothing to me. She just didn't want you involved with me. We graduated high school, moved in with each other, life just couldn't get any better. We had our fights. A lot of harsh and nasty words would be said, but with fights also came making up. You were my everything. All I have is you. I had cut every other person out of my life. It just seemed like everyone was jealous of what we had. Part of me thought they wanted you. All my friends are a distant memory now, but who cares I have the best man in the world.
Years have passed we are now nineteen. I just gave birth to our first daughter. I am so glad we are now a family. Our daughter is growing so fast, but so is your temper. You are now drinking a lot more and your anger is growing. Now I have two babies to care for, you and her. Cleaning up after you all night and caring for her all day. I have no one to help me because they all left me years ago. I feel alone. I know this is just a phase. Will it end soon?
Here we are again, our son is born. Now it is just the four us. Life is a little easier now because we made amends with you mother. I don't feel so alone now. You stopped drinking for me and the kids, everything is wonderful. A couple of nasty verbal fights a month, but I can deal with that. Anything is better than dealing with you drunk. You are not as much of a slob now.
Our children are growing everyday. So is your temper again. You quit your job, but that is OK. Now we have more time together. But with more time together the recipe for disaster grows. We are now fighting everyday. You keep telling me I ruined your life. I am ugly, crazy, and no good. If it wasn't for me you would have your life together. But instead I destroyed your life, I gave birth to two children who also hold you back. You want a different life. My heart is hurting.
Eventually our nasty verbal fights aren't enough for you. You break my arm. I go to the ER and lie. I am relieved that they didn't realize I was lying. When I got home you promised to never lay your hands on me again. I told you how sorry I was for making you so angry. Next time you need a drink I will drop everything I am doing and I will run to get it for you. Times are still tough without you working, I need to find a job. Now the roles are reversed. You are watching the kids, and I am bringing home the money. We are living good again. The happiness is short lived. The kids are too much for you. You are spending my paychecks on alcohol and drugs. What is wrong with me? I am handing you all my money. I am skipping bills and shopping cheap. We barely have enough food. I am hoping you will stop.
Our lives could not be any worse right now. We are now thirty years old. The abuse is at is peak. You make sure to hit me where no one can see the bruises. The cops are here every night time and time again. Why won't they help me? They keep telling me I have to press charges. I can't hurt you because I love you too much. The children are starting to wonder why daddy is screaming all the time and why mommy is always crying. He tells them mommy made him mad. He apologizes to me one minute, but tells me its my fault the next. All I do is try to make you happy. I am sick. This is toxic love.
The drinking and drug abuse is now completely out of control. So is the rest of our lives. I had to hire a babysitter for the children, cause I don't trust you alone with them anymore. I am afraid you will leave them home alone or forget they are there with you. My babysitter knows what is going on. She tells me she is behind me no matter what I need. If I need her to take me for a PFA I could call her at anytime. She seen some of my bruises. It sickens her to know what I have to deal with. She is really concerned. Knowing that I have some support I take the steps to leave him. We are broken up for the first time in our lives. I feel strong. I am going to do this. I don't need him to get by in life, I deserve real love.
Three weeks later I run into you again. My heart shatters. How could I miss you? I call you. You tell me how we left you alone. Me and the children are all you ever wanted. It was my fault you were going with other girls. I can't bear to be away from you. I go back. Things are great for a couple of hours. I told you I have work the next day. All of a sudden I am fat, ugly, no good, and disgusting. The other girls you could have are so much better than me, and they will appreciate you more. I do my best to try and change your mind about me. I go to bed with you. My skin crawls every time you touch me. I tell myself this will pass, I am only feeling this way because you were with the other girls. I try to forget the way I feel while in bed with you but I can't. Every time your hand touches any part of my body I want to die. I am crawling inside and out. Soon you realize I am not comfortable. You punch me so hard that it feels like my body ripped apart. I begin screaming. You get scared and start to apologize. You say you will never do it again. But something snaps inside of you. Now it is my fault you punched me and you are no longer sorry because I deserve it. I ruined your life. I took away your freedom. Why should you be with an ungrateful girl when you could have a nice girl? I love you. I beg you to stay.
Things are better now. You have not laid your hands on me in awhile. The verbal and emotional abuse it at its peak. This kind of abuse doesn't leave any marks on the outside though. It will get better eventually. One day you will stop drinking and come to your senses. Then we could be happy. I know I am not a worthless, but why can't you see that? I know you don't mean the awful things you say. You are just going through a rough patch in life, we all have them, you need me right now. But deep inside I need you.
I just quit my job. Now we have time to work though our differences. I know other people got through our same situation. They are happy because they got past the fights. What me and you have is real love? Or am I just caught up in the cycle of domestic violence? Do we have toxic love??
I hope our children understand this is not love. I hope our children do not find their own toxic love. I hope I get out of this one day while I am still alive. I hope for you to die, because I am starting to feel that is my only way out....
Facts and Resources
Domestic Violence has a lot of different faces. It can be any or all of the following
- Psycological and Emotional Abuse
- Social Abuse
- Financial Abuse
- Physical Abuse
- Sexual Abuse
- One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
- 85% of domestic violence victims are women
- Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence
- Witnessing violence between one's parents or caretakers is the strongest risk factor of transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next.
If you or anyone you know is a victim of domestic violence contact your local domestic violence agency. They can help you with shelter and safety, safely planning, legal advice, and other direct victim services.
For Immediate Assistance
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or
National Domestic Violence Hotline
National Sexual Assault Hotline
- National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence
NCDSV offers consulting, training and advocacy on issues relating to domestic violence and sexual abuse.
The National Center for Victims of Crimes
- The National Center for Victims of Crime - Home
The National Center for Victims of Crime is the nations leading resource and advocacy organization for crime victims. Since 1985, we have worked with thousands of grassroots organizations and criminal justice agencies across the country serving milli