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Is Your Husband Secretly Gay or Bisexual?

Updated on September 13, 2014

Who would ever think a married man could be gay or bisexual? Because a man is married, people just naturally assume he has a happy normal relationship with his wife. This is often the charade married gay or bisexual men use to cover up their alternate identity. Some have relationships with women because they ultimately want to live the lifestyle of a heterosexual married man. Many want children and all the benefits that come with marriage, when in fact they are living a lie. Others are hoping that heterosexual marriage will change their sexual preference.

Contrary to popular belief, gay and bisexual men don't always have the stereotypical feminine qualities that set them apart from heterosexual men. In essence, you can't tell by looks or mannerisms alone if someone is bisexual or gay. Actions or admission of sexual identity is the only way to know the truth.

If you suspect your husband may be secretly leading a gay or bisexual lifestyle on the side, you certainly deserve some answers. The fact that you would wonder about your husband's sexual identity at all, is a bad indication. Unfortunately, if your instincts tell you this is even remotely possible, there is great cause for concern.

Not only should you know the truth in order to protect yourself from sexually transmitted and possibly life-threatening diseases, you deserve to know the truth so you can make a decision regarding the future of the marriage. If nothing were wrong with your marriage, you wouldn't be wondering about the sexual identity of your husband in the first place.

Online Activities

Watch your husband's online activities. If he is secretive about his online activities, he more than likely has something to hide. Married gay or bisexual men sometimes look for like-minded individuals on the internet.

Check the computer's history on a regular basis. Even if your possibly gay or bisexual husband is careful about covering his tracks, he will finally forget to hit "delete." Take the time to visit the websites he was frequenting rather than just reading domain names. Website titles are sometimes unassuming.

If your husband has placed online penfriend ads, read between the lines for clues. A happily married man wouldn't describe the color of his eyes or hair, or mention his height or build. Look for comments that could be translated as sexual. Sometimes those looking for an extramarital fling will use words and statements that could be interpreted in more ways than one in the event the ads are discovered.

If you know for a fact your husband has online ads, go to Google or one of the many other search engines and type in keywords that your husband may have used to place ads or post messages. Enter information such as his first name, town, age, and any other words or phrases he may have used. You just might find the information you're looking for.

As a last resort, if you can't obtain concrete proof that your husband is living a gay or bi-sexual lifestyle on the side, consider sending him an anonymous e-mail from a newly fabricated e-mail address. Although this is deceptive and underhanded, it may be the only way to protect yourself and find the truth. Send him a suggestive note requesting a response, and attempt to start a correspondence. Be sure to hide your real identity by misspelling words or using phrases that you wouldn't normally use. Print any evidence, and when you're ready to confront him, have it in hand.

Mysterious Phone Calls

If your husband receives mysterious phone calls from men never previously mentioned or those never introduced, they may be more than friends. To the average person this may sound like unreasonable paranoia, but hindsight is truly 20/20. If you have reason to believe your husband may be gay or bi-sexual, this isn't unreasonable at all. A red flag should go up if calls come in from male strangers and your husband suddenly has unplanned errands to run. Next time this happens, catch him off guard. Offer to go along and see what kind of a response you get. Insist on going, and if he's up to no good, he'll look for any reason to either leave you at home, or he'll change his plans.

Lack of Sexual Desire

If sexual relations occur less than 10 times per year in a marriage, that marriage is said to be "sexless". If your otherwise healthy husband lacks sexual desire, and he seems physically as well as emotionally uninterested, he might be more interested in those of the same sex.

Many women unwittingly married to a gay or bi-sexual man go on for years thinking they are somehow at fault, undesirable, or not worthy of love and affection. Their self-esteem often becomes crushed. Many of these women are married for years and feel neglected, unloved, and ignored before figuring out the truth.

Body Language

The eyes are said to be windows to the soul. If you watch someone's eyes and expressions, you can often tell what they are thinking. If you suspect your husband may be gay or bi-sexual, watch his actions in public. What type of people capture his attention? What gender are they? Does he try to make eye contact with other men? Keep an eye on him and you may be able to read his body language.

Accepting the Truth

Everyone has a right to live the lifestyle they chose, but it is very unfair to deceive someone and deprive them of the total commitment and love they deserve in a marriage. It's unfair to take years away from someone who thought they were marrying the love of their life, when in fact they were marrying a stranger.

Accepting and facing the truth after confirming your husband is gay or bi-sexual is very painful. It compares to the pain felt when someone you love has died, even if it seemed as if that person died long ago. Keep in mind that although it will be more painful than imagined, confronting your gay or bi-sexual husband will at long last bring a sense of freedom and relief. It is liberating to put the final piece in the puzzle that ultimately explains the lack of affection, and the inscrutable behavior that accompanies a marriage of deceit.


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    • Levertis Steele profile image

      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Oh, what a blow that would be! I read a book a year or so ago about a bisexual who married a woman, fathered children, and had secret flings with gays. I have forgotten the title, but it might have been LIVING ON THE DOWNLOW. His wife caught him in the very act, and she was bitterly hurt. That is so wrong to do to someone. No one has the right to deceive another person so cruelly. It is a selfish act as bad as rape, I believe. He subjected her to all kinds of filth making things even worse because he often sought strangers. No excuse! No love there, even though he said he did love her and was sorry. I think she forgave him in time. That was good because it is one of the final stages of healing.