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Why does it matter how many children someone has?

Updated on September 12, 2016
H Andelsmen profile image

H. Andelsmen realized her girlfriends were asking advice, often, because she herself has been through so much, so she decided to share.

What's the rush?

I am no stranger to this online dating thing. If we can even call it dating at this point. I haven't been out on an actual date in a while. Primarily due to the fact that the conversations I find myself in never really get further than the first day. I get it. We are all grown folks with lives, jobs, families, other duties as assigned. But, why is everything so rushed online? It just seems that everything is. Quick to ask for a number. Quick to ask where you live. Quick to ask if you have kids. I have stated this on more than one occasion, but if we are mingling in real life, in person, would we find it appropriate to ask each other such personal questions within first the first seconds of interaction?

He: "Hey, how you doing?"

She: "Fine, thank you."

He: "You are a very attractive woman."

She: "Thank you, you aren't so bad yourself."

He: smiling "Thanks, so are you really from around here or is it safe to assume that you are because you are here now?"

Confused. "Huh?"

And just like that. Things go awry. Why did he jump right to asking if she was from there? Why does it matter? You just met! Some things are a little personal to address with perfect strangers. How about trying to see how the conversation goes first? If she is flirting back and you all seem to be hitting it off, and after some time, use it as a compliment. Example:

He: "Hey, how you doing?"

She: "Fine, thank you."

He: "You are a very attractive woman."

She: "Thank you, you aren't so bad yourself."

He: smiling "Thanks! I like to look my best, never know who I am going to run into."

She: smiling "Well, you are doing a fine job."

He: "Alright now (laughing)! I didn't mean to intrude on you, you look like your waiting on someone, but I didn't want to pass by without paying compliment to you. I will leave you to it."

She: "No, oh no. I am not waiting on anyone. Please, stay as long as you want."

He: "In that case, absolutely. What are you sipping on there? May I get you another?"

She: "Of course."


One question to start it off. Then no other question until he was already allowed to stay in her presence and then it was to ask what she wanted to drink. People, stop making this stuff so difficult! Don't get me wrong, it is all of us. Men and women alike. Asking questions that belong way, further down the line right up front. I get why. None of us want to waste time. I especially. But, having said that, I do understand that some conversation has to happen to see if there is any clicking going on. When one starts firing questions, it is easy, super easy, to give the wrong impression. Just take it easy. All of that, all of the crucial deal breaker things will come out naturally if you let it take its course. Just imagine, if you have done some time, and the first thing women ask is, "Have you ever been to prison?" What does that indicate to you? That she for sure has an issue with a man who has in fact been to prison. Right? Damn, right.

"Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies."--Oliver Goldsmith

Do you have kids?

Anymore, as soon as I see this question, I shake my head. Numero uno, most sites have profiles which are updated by us personally. Brother man, please take the time to look; otherwise, you come off as inconsiderate or just plain simple if the profile has the answers to the question you are asking. Just go look, it isn't going to hurt anyone, to check again before you ask. If you ask, and I have listed on my profile that I do have children, I will answer, "Doesn't it say on my profile thingy? Could have sworn I put it on there, I better go look." This does two things.

  1. Lets you know, that I know, what you don't know.
  2. Prevents me from answering nonsense and dodge the question

Being the ever so kind lady that I am, my profile will be accurate. It will state that I have children. Save us both the eye rolling, just go look.

How many?

This one really rubs me the wrong way. First of all, I have six children. Let me just put it on out there. Does my having so many children affect why I scoff at this question? Absolutely. Why is it so important that you know how many? We are just chatting online. In our first interactions with each other. The first day. Excuse me sir, but you messaged me. It shows on my profile that I do in fact have children. Do you really need to know how many children I have just to continue a conversation? If you do, then why doesn't your profile state: if you have multiple children, don't bother trying to chat with me; therefore, when I went to view your profile after you messaged me, I would have saw that and quickly flipped the not interested switch.

Why does it matter?

Why not just keep scrolling on by when you saw my profile? Because obviously my picture caught your eye. So, you had to stop in and start to chat. Which is cool, hey that's what we are here for. But then boom. You had to ask. Truthfully, I don't even mind this question. I am not ashamed of having a big brood. I am quite proud that I have given birth to children and apparently men still find me attractive enough to hit me up online. What does perturb me is how soon in a conversation this question always seems to creep up. Why is such a personal question asked so quickly? Why isn't the fact that one knows upfront that children are in the picture enough? Granted, one may just be struggling to come up with stuff to say, I mean type. But, this man in particular, kept pushing me for the number. He asked me to tell him more about myself.

Me: Just turned 40, divorced, work at *********, older children

Him: How many kids do you have

Me: They are all older so it isn't really relevant

Him: Tell me

Me: Why? If that's an issue to you the we don't need to talk further. Multiple is multiple. I've been divorced for 12 years. They have a father, we aren't looking for one.

Him: Do you have a kids (whatever that is supposed to mean)

Me: I have more than one child

Him: How many

Me: Bye.

Yo, what the? Really bro? It was like he found a sore bruised spot, mashed his finger on it, and kept mashing harder and harder watching me squirm. We had only had 13 messages between us prior to my part in the dialogue above. Just 13, think about it. Hello and a hey back from me are two of those 13. Do you see what I am saying? Quick.


It doesn't matter...yet

In the first sentence I clearly stated children, not child. Children usually indicates more than one child. Again, this question on its own doesn't bother me so much. It is when it is asked that bothers me. Online, this question is asked very quickly and it happens a lot, in my experience. I don't ask men how many kids they have. Ever. Because to me, if you have any at all, then I know what that means. You have visitation schedules, you have father duties, you have school events to attend, you have practices and games to attend and you have to try and work in a personal life somewhere. Because, I'm a momma and I know what being a parent entails. Does it matter how many of those things are for different children? Not to me, because even just one child could and will come with all of the above. If there are more than one, there are just more things on the list. That's it.

Of course there are deeper things involved with multiple children. Namely money. I assume for most people, that is what they associate with children first, is the cost to support them. Men are always on the look out for gold diggers, I get it. But again, if you are scared off by a child or children, don't go trying to talk to people who have them. How about that? Why even bother? Save yourself and others from a waste of time. Is it supposed to flatter me that you wanted to chat with me even though you could tell that I had children from my profile? Are there times when you can overlook the fact that there are children, depending on how one looks? By the way, the gentleman caller in the dialogue above did himself have children as well. Young ones. So, on his behalf, maybe he was thinking down the road and how many beds would have to be in the house. But, no I don't think that is what it was. What it told me about him was that he couldn't handle someone keeping something from him. He just kept pushing like, oh man now I have to know. This has to be some outrageous number and I am dying to find out.

Save it

Needless to say, I am still online. Because, I use it as a time saver. It is a quick way to talk to people. Weeding them out is fairly easy, as I have shown, they kind of do it for you. I am a fairly attractive looking woman, no super model by any means, which is why I seem to draw more of a variety of people. This allows me to have more encounters online thus, making it easier for me to see the similarities in the game they slang. Or lack thereof. Fellas, just save all the big details until later. No need to rush and find out. The only thing you are going to waste is a little bit of data.

Is it important to know how many children, early on in the conversation?

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© 2016 HanDelsmen

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