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Is my boyfriend gay?

Updated on November 13, 2015

Firstly I don’t subscribe to the idea that a person is either gay or heterosexual. In my opinion, there are a number of states in between totally gay and completely straight. I know most people like to think there is a switch in someone’s head that either makes them gay or not, but the world isn’t that simple. So the question isn’t: is my boyfriend gay? It’s: How gay is my boyfriend?

The test of how gay your boyfriend is: When he is having sex with you, does he mostly think about women or men? If, he generally thinks about men he is leaning more to the gayer side of the spectrum. The problem is that he probably won’t tell you about it, if he is thinking about guys.

Why would a gay guy pretend to be straight?
In a more traditional society there are several sources of pressure for a man to be straight. There is religious pressure from his church, expectations from his family and friends and the list goes on. But it isn’t really healthy either for the girlfriend or guy, essentially he is deceiving, both of you.

He might be asexual
Asexuality refers to people who do not feel any need to have sex. They are able to do it, but the chemical processes that make us want to have sex are just not there.

Some signs that he might be gay

  • Does he check out guys when he thinks no one is looking?
  • Is he extremely homophobic? One wouldn’t think so, but this kind of negative behavior towards gays can stem from a man wrestling with his own homosexuality.
  • Does he spend too much time grooming? If he has more hair care products and outfits than you do, that’s not a good sign. Also if he takes hours to get ready before you go out, not good either.
  • Does he live the gay life online? Gay guys, who feel they can’t be themselves in real life, can pursue that kind of life online. He may do so by joining gay social networks, having cybersex with guys online and creating gay online dating profiles. This behavior may escalate into real life physical encounters.
  • Is he obsessed with fashion, musical divas like Cher and Madonna or traditionally female TV and movies?
  • Is his career in the arts? Gay guys just seem to have a better sense of style than straight guys.

Even if he is showing some of these tell tale signs, that don’t mean that he is gay for sure. Even if you find him making out with another guy, how can you know just how gay he is? Directly confronting him with your suspicions may also be counter productive. As he might then deny everything and clam-up completely. What you need to do is create an atmosphere of safety where in he is able to share, that part of himself, with you. Then he may be able to confide in you and share the extent of his homosexuality with you.

Breaking up is always hard to do. If you find that the question to: Is my boyfriend gay? Is emphatically yes, you have to break it off, for both your sakes? If you stay together sooner or later it will hurt both of you more than it helps you.

Is my boyfriend gay?


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      Always Greener 7 years ago

      I don't like the stereotypes that you have relied on in your 'signs he might be gay'. Cher and Madonna? Seriously? Also with the grooming, a lot of heterosexual guys are obsessive and vain about their appearance. I think the homophobia is a valid point however; that's often a pretty good indicator that someone has problems.

      Personally, I've found that guys who are repressed gays mention the word 'gay' a lot (i.e. 'that's so gay') and do mock displays of being gay when with their friends - the issue is constantly on their mind. Whereas a secure gay person doesn't repeatedly use the word 'gay' in conversations in a mocking sort of way.

      Another indicator is if the guy is completely obsessed with what their male friends think - that one is tenuous though.

    • pncblessed profile image

      pncblessed 8 years ago

      Good well written post. But, I wouldn't agree that you ALWAYS have to split up. After all relationships are more than sex.

    • bingskee profile image

      bingskee 8 years ago from Quezon City, Philippines

      i read somewhere that all men initially have 30% tendency to be gay..