- Gender and Relationships
Is Your Wife Frigid - or Is She Having an Affair?
Do You Trust Her?
Is my wife frigid?
The other day I received a comment from a guy that really hit it home to me.
He wrote that his wife recently told him, "oh btw I don't like sex anymore. I only have sex with you to keep the marriage together." She further said "if it was up to her she would never have sex again." She also said that most women don't like sex and only do it to "keep the guy".
Basically told him to forget ever getting sex or any kind of intimacy from her - and had been consistently emotionally abusive and
He went on to say that she had been coming on to other men - both on-line and in the neighboorhood.
My reply was "I hate to be the one telling you this, your wife is not frigid. She wants to have sex, she just does not want to have sex with YOU.
If she hasn't already had sex with one of these men, she probably will eventually.
She wants someone new and different that she thinks will turn her on because she perceives them to be a little dangerous, different and exciting.
To her you are a mini-van - dependable, predictable, reliable, and not very sexy. At some very basic and perhaps unconscious level, she is longing to test drive a ferrari.
First thing you should do is to stop begging. Get a backbone and tell her you've had
enough, that this is going to get fixed one way or another. Then start acting like a strong, confident man instead of a beggar.
Basically, you have three choices:
1) become a different man
2) negotiate an open relationship
3) end the marriage
Although you may not want to do any of these things, the alternative is to accept a life of self denial, frustration, and abuse.
Do you really think that this is how your God wants you to live?
Why do you think He gave you the wonderful gift of sexuality and a capacity for such intimacy if he didn't intend you to use them?
As to becoming a different man, you could use play-acting or fantasy. Meet her for coffee and pretend that you are strangers. Come on to her. Pretend that you are picking her up and want to take her home right now.
Have her pretend that she doesn't know you, that it's the first time you met. Seduce her as if you do not know her and she doesn't know you.
Have some bedtime banter and help her fantasize what it would be like to be in bed with a stranger (you) - maybe one who is "taking advantage of her".
When she tells you " to go to a prostitute, masturbate, or get a girlfriend instead of trying to be initimate with her" she may be telling you she wants an open relationship so she can do what she wants without guilt.
She may be 'testing' you, just to see your reaction, but since it has been going on a while she probably means it. You should test her by openly discussing and negotiating the terms of an open relationship.
Tell her up front what YOUR priorities are - they may include: the kids and marriage are top priority, no divorce, no alimony, safe sex, don't ask, don't tell, have a good life.
I think a lot of relationships are in fact, open, and that it doesn't have lead to divorce or break-up.
If none of this of these seem appealing to you, just consider how painful and damaging a divorce will be to everyone concerned. If you go that route, just get an agreement to handle it through mediation instead of lawyers."