Is talking about past relationships so bad?
Is talking about past relationships in a new one such a bad thing?
I read so many articles strongly suggesting to not compare, not talk, not ask your partner about past. I think it needs reconsideration.
How you can create healthy, true relationship and I assume this is what you wish for, without knowing the person?
Everyone of us constitutes from past, present and possible future. If we don’t take into account past which is one of the strongest factor, mostly deciding about reactions and the way the person is in present and forms our future, then we can only create perfect illusion, but we will never get to know who the person really is.
Consider this: if you are about to step into relationship with someone, you need to be aware that you are about to interact with all his, her past: pastlovers, family, etc.
This is already proved by modern psychology, even quantum physics. We all emanate certain kind of energy, magnetic field. Others feel our not only moods but generally what aura, atmosphere we are creating around ourselves, whether we are conscious of that or not. You may like someone thinking : I like him for the way he is, but if you look closer you will find out the person emanates certain, rare kind of peace, not so present around other people. Going deeper you know certain types of people make you feel good, better, while others not. We all are influencing one another, whether temporary or permanently, long enough to have similar reaction toward someone almost all the time you get into contact with.
In a romantic relations by closeness, making love, emotions you temporary, at times merge with someone. Not knowing who you are and who your partner is you may lose healthy borders of where you end and the other one starts and what else, who else is involved.
There is even saying: you are not making love to the person you chose, cause after him, her follows lovers, parents, so on. You may not know about it, but surely you will feel it that something feels strange, is off etc. Of course you can ignore it if this is not that troubling, but most of the times the closer you get to someone the stronger you get involved in the situation of your partner whatever the person deals with.
In my opinion the way to create a relationship that has a future is to be honest to yourself and your partner about who you are, what you are learning, what stage of your personal growth you are. It is about seeing clearly, recognizing all the things your partner is showing you, not ignoring what he, she shows regarding of what was said and taking responsibility for your personal growth.
If your relationship didn’t last, you may be sure that you ignored quite a lot of details that later on, no wonder, blew up in your face.
Let me use the comparison to a kingdom. You have your own kingdom and getting into relationship with someone is like merging two kingdoms. You have an army with different characters, some of them are nice, some of them are nasty. They simply are. They will merge with the characteristics of your partner. If you don’t know anything about your army and whom you have to your disposal, it may overtake you, so are you ruling your army or you are ruled by it? If you are ruled, then surely you will be ruled by additional army of your partner. By meaning an army I have in mind such roles as: roles operating on emotions: fear, anger, jealousy, love, compassion, generosity, etc. and roles such as protector, fighter, victim, entertainer, peaceful person, lover, funny person, deep person, and whoever can come in your mind that you associate with.
Why roles? You are not always loving, not always angry, but certain roles, emotions happens, although generally you may emanate for people as someone very generous or courageous.
The roles are there to use them right. If you stick to one identity as being protector, then surely in relationship you will block other ability to stand up for self. Having wider range of roles and fluently exchanging them according to the situation, gives you more possibilities to react accordingly not only in relationships but in every life situations.
As I love the comparison to martial arts, as a warrior uses all kind of possibilities, not sticking to any particular, so not using only hands, but all the body and techniques, adjusting perfectly to the environment, so it works in life. Using only one thing, as hands in interaction to the opponent is not enough. All is in a constant movement, flow and new situation requires new applications. So it is with roles, being one identity only makes relationship already dead. If someone perceives himself, herself as always peaceful person and will stick to that image, no matter what, then you cannot expect to have a wild lover.
I claim that knowing yourself is enough to recognize potentials of possible relationship even if the other one is reluctant to say openly about past. Somehow we all are result of our past, so no matter how someone will try to resist and not share with you who he is, the past will bleed through. All you need is to be attentive and not create an illusion of someone you want to love at the first place.
Attentiveness at the very beginning of every interaction is crucial, because only then you are objective enough to see more. Later on, if you start liking this person, you will ignore things that won’t align with what you want. It has to do something with natural perception and psychological inner system of protecting yourself from unwanted things, that disturb your perfect image.
It is also most difficult thing to do, cause the other one will always try to introduce himself, herself from the best perspective. This is why little signals play such important role. Be aware however than professionals can monitor their behaviour to the perfect details, so psychopaths.
Nobody will show you voluntarily his, her worse sides.
How to recognize the most you can? Often by asking questions to self such as:
- Is the person talking a lot? What is the quality of it?
- Is the person quiet all the time? What he, she is quiet about?
Relationships any kind of could be so much of fun if we would have more courage to be honest. How bout this:
- Hey I am learning about standing up for myself?
- Great, I am going to cross your boundaries. Let’s train how you can protect yourself.
Typical for the training in martial arts where you approach student, teacher and you are conscious both are learning. You see the situation clearly. If there is something more, then explore it. If there is only this, then learn, teach and make the best of it and mostly have fun.
How about this:
- I am in relationship, but I am drawn to you somehow. I don’t understand this, but my boyfriend is jealous about you although I never hanged out with you. I was not communicating about it to him and to you for years, but perhaps it will be wiser to see who you are for me. Otherwise if affect me, him and you, I believe. Why not discover truth about it. Maybe you have a message for me and once I know, it will be transformed and I can continue with my boyfriend. Maybe you are the one for me, then at least I wanna know the truth to make the best decision for all of us.
Why we never say what we really want? Is the fear so strong that we cannot even think it for ourselves in our own head? Probably yes.
Coming back to the beginning, I claim that talking about the past, backgrounds is the first thing to do if you wanna have truthful relationship. And yes compare them. How else you will learn about yourself, what you want if not by a contrast?