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Is Being "Mr. Good Guy" Making Him "The Bad Guy"?

Updated on October 3, 2016
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

Trying to always make everyone else happy is not only exhausting but will cause you to make no one fully happy...especially yourself.

It's not realistic to think that you will always be the good guy whose sole purpose is to make everyone else happy. The guy who never raises his voice, the guy who never gets in arguments or starts them, the guy who never disappoints anyone, or the guy who never (or rarely) gets upset. Frankly that's unrealistic and wearing on the mind, body and soul.

Internalizing your emotions so that you are perceived as the “good guy” is not only unhealthy—causing undue stress to yourself—it will also cause disconnect from others, especially women. No woman wants to feel as though she is dating a robot whose only feedback is a positive. We want an honest man who has a backbone and is able to stick up for himself as well as for us.

Getting upset is natural. Not being able to be there every time someone needs you is bound to happen. Disappointing people is sometimes going to happen. No one is perfect or should act like they are perfect—you are only setting yourself up for failure.

Often when a guy is trying hard to be the good guy he will think that arguing and conflicts are bad things and will avoid them at all costs. Hmmm…Doesn’t he realize that by avoiding conflict he will attract more conflict?

Open and honest communication is imperative for all relationships to grow and be successful.

If you hold your emotions in—by internalizing—so that you "appear" to be the guy who is always happy or in a good emotional place, you will cause yourself undo stress, exhaustion and lack of sleep. Also, you will create disconnect from family, children and significant others who end up having a hard time relating and communicating with you. Yikes!

It's important to be able to deal with your emotions—the good, bad and the ugly—in a healthy way, especially if you are unhappy about something. I know that for many men, sharing how they feel isn't always easy and therefore doesn't come across as natural as it does for most women. However, the more you work on opening up the easier it does get and the stronger your relationships will be.

Holding your emotions in—so that you appear to be the good guy—does not serve you or the person you are upset with. Perceiving that you are a happy-go-lucky guy by acting like there is nothing ever wrong will end up making many women feel detached from you. Most women do not want a guy who is afraid to show or talk about things that are upsetting to him.

How can your significant other grow in the relationship if you are afraid to express how you feel? How can you grow in the relationship if you can't take constructive feedback? How can you grow as a couple if you keep internalizing your emotions and therefore never discuss any issues? You can't.

When you work overly hard to be a good person—foregoing yourself—you are bound to create more stress in your life...

Choosing to keep your negative emotions bottled up while putting on a pretend happy face when you are agonizing inside what you really feel will end up causing deeper frustrations in your relationships. Women are not dumb or blind and we can tell (unless we just don't care) that something is bothering you. If we ask and your response is that you are always "fine" that is the quickest way to annoy and frustrate us. Communication (being present and fully listen) is the key element to all successful relationships.

Do you really think that by not sharing how you feel the problem(s) that you are experiencing will just go away? They won't. In fact they will just continue to grow until you finally end up vomiting out your emotions. Yikes. Remember you're not a bad guy for admitting that you are upset about something, however you will be if wait too long to express how you feel. There is a big difference between constructive feedback versus exploding with negative emotions and insults to our character.

Women want an emotionally confident man who can speak his truth in a respectful way while still validating how we feel.

When a guy lacks this, in our minds instead of seeing a great guy, we see a guy who doesn't care enough to let us in on an emotional level. No woman wants to play the guessing game of "what's wrong" or "how does he really feel regarding the conversation that was just had," we have better things to do with our time.

I get that there are some men that get completely stressed out from the very thought of disappointing someone, especially their significant other. Get over it. We would rather have you disappoint us on occasion than internalize and put on a fake annoying happy face that we can see right through. Ugh!

Guys, the world is not perfect, as women we know this. There are bound to be moments when situations arise that will make you unhappy, want to vent, or just share with us. That's great, as long as the communication is done in a respectful way. Real communication—not surrounded by fluff—how much you love us, how great we are (blah, blah, blah)—is what we want to help us emotionally connect with you. Although these sweet words are nice and appreciated, if they are always said—without also connecting with us on an deeper emotional level—end up sounding redundant and used as a cop out to avoid perceiving yourself as a bad guy. Stop!

Bottom line fellas, if you want to get and keep the girl you don't need to work so hard on being the "good" guy all the time—that gets boring. As long as you aren't playing games but instead, working hard to have open and truthful communication, making an honest effort in the relationship, as well as working on yourself to better the relationship (versus always saying your “trying”)...that alone will automatically make you a good guy. Remember, taking the time to appreciate and understand us on an emotional level—truly working to connect with us—spiritually, emotionally and mentally while communicating openly—is as good as it gets!

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 7 months ago

      Some of the biggest issues between women and men occur when they expect both genders to behave the same way.

      The majority of men would rather avoid conflict in relationships especially if they view their relationship as an escape from other worldly pressures.

      This is also true if the relationship is considered "casual".

      Generally speaking people behave within (their own comfort zone). They're not necessarily trying to be the "good guy" it's just how they are.

      Not everyone is prone to blowing up after internalizing things. Some people let out stress by running, working out, meditating, or taking their mind off of something for awhile and then address it with a clear head.

      Ultimately the goal isn't to try to get them "change" (their way) of dealing with issues as much as it for you to find someone who (naturally) deals with them (the way you like). Compatibility trumps compromise!

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
      Author

      Stephanie Bailey 7 months ago from Denver

      dashingscorpio, great points if I was referencing all men, however since I wasn't referencing men as a whole, your points aren't fully accurate for my article.

      I was referring to men who try so hard to be the good guy that they end up being the bad guy because they lack the ability to have honest communication---in fear of looking like a bad guy---that they in turn end up not connecting on an deeper emotional level...btw, I have dated this type of guy before.

      This guy was so worried about not being liked, disappointing others AND having Anyone think of him in a negative way, that he would bottle up his emotions--believing that in order to be perceived as a "good guy" that's what you do. Obviously something he learned as a child.

      This article is not about "changing a man" its' about informing men who are like this that most women need and want more then just the "good guy"...some men are clueless in regards to this, just like some women are clueless on things about men---hence why magazines like Cosmo and GQ exist. :)

      As always, thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. :)

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 7 months ago

      Overall I get what you're saying in general.

      "they lack the ability to have honest communication---in fear of looking like a bad guy." The only issue for me with statements like this are.

      If someone "lacks the ability" to do anything then they're essentially being who (they) are. It's not a "choice" for them.

      Whether one is a natural "people pleaser", always needing to be "liked", or never wants to come off as a "bad guy" these are signs that somewhere along the line they got crushed by someone they cared about when they did share a different point of view.

      Being the "good guy" or "people pleaser" became their coping mechanism. Naturally if one isn't attracted to such people it just means (he) isn't "the one" for them. Another woman might like that type.

      Odds are this guy isn't going to "change" until (he) is unhappy.

      I think it helps us to know what traits we want in a mate so that when we recognize someone doesn't have them we can save time by moving on!

      Frustration overtakes us when we attempt to get people to change or become someone (who they are not). I say accept them {as is} or move on! :)

      The goal is to find someone who (already is) what you want.

    • profile image

      mrb 7 months ago

      Very interesting points.

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