- Gender and Relationships
Is He A Giver, Pleaser, Server or Fixer?
I have found that with many men there are four main attributes they will display to show you they care: give, please, serve or fix. Although each of these attributes can be a great thing, they can also be negative if the guy only has one of these qualities and/or how he represents it.
1. A Giver is a guy who shows his affection through gift giving. This guy will give presents, flowers, trips, jewelry and/or expensive dinners. What woman doesn't like a guy to buy her things? Let's be honest, it feels great when a guy thinks about you enough to want to buy you something special, however it also depends on why he's doing it. Although there a some men who truly love to give things without a set motive, unfortunately, not all gift givers give just because they want to make you happy. Great.
Here are some Negative Reasons Gifts Could Be Given:
- He wants recognition—he wants you to tell your family and friends and will expect you to post his "romantic" gestures on social media so that everyone is aware of how great of a guy he is.
- He will use his "sweet" gestures as a way of scoring points and keeping tally—he has done something nice for you and expects the same in return or will get an attitude.
- He will use gifts as a way of controlling you—he buys you nice things, therefore you should do whatever he tell you—without question or attitude. Really?!
- He will buy gifts as a way of making "amends" when he has done something wrong—cheating, lying or physically/mentally abusing you—thinking a gift will make it all better. Ridiculous!
- He will buy you something and expect something in return—sex, a place to live, your soul, etc.
Buyer Beware: Often when you date a guy who wants to shower you with gifts—in excess—he might be hiding something, he might not be a good listener, he may have ulterior motives, he has a hard time taking responsibility for things or has a hard time saying (and actually meaning) "Sorry"—their action of buying justifies an apology.
*Gift giving is not always a negative attribute because a true giver will give from his heart without expecting anything in return. He will give because he truly loves you and loves to see you happy.
2. A Pleaser is a guy who will make sure that your desires are met. This guy also tends to be really good in bed—Bonus! He truly wants to make you happy (inside and outside the bedroom), which is a really great thing, however, his pleasing is equally distributed to everyone in his life. Wonderful.
Although having a guy who wants to please you can be endearing at first—because who doesn't want to be with a guy who genuinely wants to make them happy—it can become frustrating—especially if he doesn't (or can't) set boundaries for himself.
Frustrating Qualities Of A Pleaser:
- He has a hard time saying no—to anyone.
- He has a hard time prioritizing.
- He can wear himself out causing him exhaustion, internal stress or other health issues.
- He will undersell himself in order to make other people happy.
Buyer Beware: A pleaser can be so focused on pleasing that he neglects himself and can be taken advantage of by women who either end up expecting him to only please them—forgetting to show him gratitude or doing things to also please him. Also, if there is something important in your life that you need his full attention or just need him to be there for—this can be hard for him since he wears himself thin with other obligations and promises he makes.
*Not all pleasers are taken advantage of, as long as he has no issues setting boundaries and can prioritize accordingly, then dating a pleaser can be ideal.
3. A Server is a guy who won't let you do anything manually. He loves doing everything for you—he will fill your car with gas, he will carry your bags, make and serve you dinner, rub your feet and back, and wash your back and hair. If you stay the night at his place, he will get your bags out of the car and if it's snowing he will clean off your car—if you're at his place or yours. Also, if you forget something he will get it for you. Although dating a guy like this can make you feel extremely well-kept and attended too, having a guy like this can end up being negative—for both of you.
Why A Server Might Not Bring Out The Very Best:
- A woman who's not appreciative can feel so doted on that she takes advantage of him.
- Dating a guy like this can make you feel as though everyone should serve to this degree that you forget to do things for others. Not good.
- You can find yourself becoming lazy—since he takes care of everything.
Buyer Beware: He will be seen as a personal butler and can become jaded if taken advantage of until the right woman who deserves his attention and love will not get it. Also, being with him might make you get so used to being waited on that you start to expect that same attention from your family and friends. Not a sexy quality ladies.
*Being in a relationship with a guy who loves to serve you can be great, just don't expect that from everyone else. Be humble, show gratitude and when he's not serving you—go out of your way to serve someone else—including him once in a while.
4. A Fixer is a guy who wants to fix all your problems as well things around your home. Sounds great, right? Not always. Yes it's handy to have a handy man, however when it comes to problems you have, his type of fixing is not always welcomed. Most women want a guy who listens to us—because often we just need to vent, be supported and understood versus trying to have an immediate "fix" to our problems. Many times with a fixer he will be the complete opposite and will only hear enough to try to put a Band-Aid on the issue—and usually not correctly. Yikes.
Unattractive Qualities Of A Fixer:
- Poor listening skills
- Not as sensitive
- Quick to interrupt you
- Controlling personality
- Doesn't take advice well
Buyer Beware: You may begin to lose your voice because any advice or ideas you may have will be shut down by a fixer—you will begin to feel like your independence is lost. Many men who are fixers can have big control issues.
*Fixers can also be very useful because they know how to take control of a situation and get the job done.
Ladies, I have found that the best guy is one who has all four attributes mixed into one—as well as being a great communicator and listener. Cha-Ching! When you find a guy like this, love and hold on to him. Appreciate all of his attributes...and remember ladies, relationships are not one-sided—what you enjoy from him, he should also enjoy from you. It's important to find balance in a relationship and give recognition for the positive characteristics that make you both unique.