- Gender and Relationships
Is He Living A Double Life?
When a man pulls way, becomes distant, or doesn't create time for us we automatically think that he has either met someone else, he's emotionally unavailable, or that he's a player. What we don't think is that he's living a double life.
Living a double life means that he has a long-term live-in girlfriend, fiancé, or wife and when he's not with you he is going home to her. Yikes! And this type of guy isn't upfront with the fact that he's in an exclusive relationship with another woman. He will pursue you like he is single and fully available.
We can all proclaim that there is no way that we wouldn't realize that the man we are in a relationship with is in a relationship with someone else, however, unless you have been unfortunate to come across this type of guy, you would never actually know for sure.
Love and wanting a relationship can blind the best of us. Getting swept up in the romantic gestures of a guy can make us ignore Red Flags that might appear, especially when a guy seems to have all the answers to any doubts that might come up.
Most men who are capable of living a double life tend to be not only narcissistic but also sociopathic. He will be so convincing that you are the only one in his life that you wouldn't even think that there could be someone else. He will call and text you, take you out, hold your hand and kiss you in public, meet your friends, family members, and even your parents. He will go to events with you and even plan weekend excursions. He might even go as far as talking future plans with you—living together, engagement, marriage, having kids, etc. This man will have you so fooled that when you find out months or possibly years later that he's been living a double life it will not only be a surprise to everyone else but a complete shock and devastation to you.
Although men who lead double lives might think that they are slick, there are still a few tell-tale signs that you might be dealing with one if you know what to look for.
Clues that your man might be living a double life are:
- You don't see him on holidays—if you do it's very briefly or he will plan "make up holidays"
- You have never been to his house—he will make excuses that he's in the process of moving, he lives in another state, or he has a difficult roommate
- You have never met his immediate family
- He travels a lot for work or family responsibilities—when he's gone you rarely hear from him other than a few text messages
- You have never met his friends—if you do you have only met one or a select few
- If he has kids you haven't met them—unless he lies about even having them
- You're not his friend on any of his social media accounts or he's not on social media (in today's world that would be odd)
- You google him and he has a different last name than he told you—but he will have a great excuse
- He never or rarely takes photos of you or the two of you on his phone
- He will make a lot of promises but drag his feet and not follow through—living together, getting engaged, etc.
- You never hang out in his part of town, you always do things together in your area
- He rarely spends the night—his excuse is work, "kids," need to take care of his "dog"
- Your relationship is mostly sexual and less emotional
- He doesn't like to talk about himself a lot—when he does, the stories don't add up
- You get more gifts from him verses his time—when you complain about the distance he will shower you with gifts
- He Always has his phone on him at all times and on vibrate
***If five or more of these are a yes for you, you might possibly be dealing with a guy who is living a double life.
I met a women who told me that she found out that her husband had been living a double life. She had been married to him for twenty years, had two children with him, two dogs and a beautiful home. Well, she was not the only one sharing this type of life with him...
Sixteen years into their marriage, let's just say he either became sloppy or just wasn't concerned with hiding his other life. His wife found out through an email that her husband was seeing another woman—or at least that's only what she thought it was at the time. When she confronted him, he denied it at first but then admitted his affair and begged for her forgiveness. For their children's sake and for the sake of their marriage of sixteen years, she decided to stay with him and work things out. Hmmm...
Several years later she found out that this woman was not only still in his life, he was married to her—for over ten years, and they had children together. What?!
Even though she expressed feeling deceived, dumb, idiotic, gullible and naive, at the time she had no reason to think any differently—that he was in a relationship with her and only her. He had a job that required him to travel a lot—he was gone several weeks out of a month and when he was traveling they had great communication and were overall a happy couple—or so she thought. Looking back she admitted that there were several clues that her husband was living a double life, but the truth seemed scarier than the lie she was telling herself.
In all honesty, we can tell ourselves that we had no clue that there was any possibility that a guy is being unfaithful, let alone living a double life, however, if you can be totally honest with yourself there are usually always clues and Red Flags that will lead you to the truth. When you let a situation like this go "unnoticed" it's usually due to desperately wanting love, a ring on your finger, self-pride and embarrassment—you don't want to be judged by loved ones or frankly anyone. I get it, however if you don't want a guy like this to creep back into your life again, learn from this experience:
- Pay attention to the red flags—you now know what to look for.
- Anything a guy can't verify is suspect.
- When you have some inclination in your heart that something is wrong—even when you're not able to be honest with your friends—do yourself and your heart a favor be honest with yourself and end things.
- Don't let him take your hope away—real love will find you as long as you accept reality verses excuses.
Ladies, if you come across a guy who lives a double life it can be easy to start blaming yourself. What could you have done differently? How did you not know? Why did he not want you in the end? What made you an easy target? Stop! You are not at fault. Men like this are experienced in deceiving. Unfortunately, when a guy can live a double with no care about who he hurts or the consequences of his action, this is not his first rodeo, or his last. Know that this type of deception will take time to heal from and be OK with that. Not to be cliché, every experience that doesn't kill you makes you stronger and more importantly...smarter.