- Gender and Relationships
Is He Performing A Disappearing Act On You?
Abracadabra, now you see him...now you don't!
Disappearing acts can be exciting when magicians do them—the anticipation of revealing themselves again can have you at the edge of your seat. However, the feeling isn't the same when a guy you're dating disappears out of your life. Poof!...no rhyme, reason—unbeknownst to you that he has shared, or phone call explaining why. This magic trick is not only lame, but also emotionally unsettling.
When a guy decides to vanish from your life—without giving you the adult courtesy, as well as the respect of informing you why, it can make you feel unworthy and leave you with so many unanswered questions. Ladies, this completely sucks! However, at the same time, if you're dealing with a guy who thinks there is nothing wrong with disappearing out of your life—it definitely gives you an idea of the type of guy you're dating as well as his overall maturity level.
Immature men have a very hard time communicating their feelings effectively. Instead of communicating, they will take the path of running and hiding. There should be a basic rule of thumb when ending a relationship. The longer you date a guy should determine how he respectfully ends the relationship. If you have only dated a few weeks—sending a text message can be an appropriate way to end the relationship. Over a month—a phone call. More than two months—in person. Either way, a guy needs to say or send something.
Most men think that it's ok to just stop calling/texting when something you might have said or done has rubbed them the wrong way. However, when they have rubbed you the wrong way—they will expect you to be understanding and forgiving. Understanding that they are not perfect and because they care about you, things should be worked out. So why does this same understanding fall short when the tables are reversed?
The more baggage a guy has—a bad break-up or divorce, work stress, toppled with possibly juggling kids, financial stuff, and anything else that makes his world like a roller-coster ride—the more he can be quick to judge and sometimes compare you. These things will ultimately make him more controlling and less understanding when you make a mistake in the relationship.
He might judge your life, your choices, your opinions and much, much more, to make excuses to not be with you. He might also compare you to his past relationship(s)—again, to keep his heart guarded.
I say this often, no one is perfect. We all have our stuff. The trick is working hard to not let your baggage get in the way (or potentially be the reason for a relationship to end). Most importantly, understanding that it's not fair to unload all of your crap onto the person you have just started dating—and expect that the romance, chemistry and relationship won't be effected—because it will. But, is disappearing the best solution when things get hard?
No one likes to play the guessing game with a guy—unless you're trying to guess which hand he's hiding a piece of jewelry in.
Communication is The Most Important Thing For The Survival of Any Relationship. If you can't communicate—you will never have a successful relationship.
So often I have heard men complain that the reason why their marriage or relationship didn't work, was because their wife/girlfriend was not a great communicator. What's interesting—these same men would perform the unexpected (and frankly, unwanted) disappearing act on the women they were dating. Believe me, these women who received this performance, were not clapping and asking for an encore at the end.
The longer a guy vanishes, the less amusing he becomes—causing worry, questions and mistrust.
Trust is built when a guy is consistent in his actions. If he calls or contacts you every day, a few days a week or possibly certain times during the day, he not only creates trust and reliability, he also gives you a sense of security and something to look forward to. When his pattern all of a sudden changes or stops—it's not a complicated magic trick—most likely there is something wrong. But, as woman, there is usually an emotional cycle we go through before getting upset.
When a guy disappears out of a woman's life, there are various emotions and thoughts she first has (usually in this order):
When we first don't hear from him, we give him the benefit of doubt...
1. Maybe he's had an unexpected crazy work schedule and forgot to call or didn't have time (although there is always time to send a text).
2. Maybe he has lost or broken his phone and will call soon.
After awhile, we start to worry...
3. Maybe something terrible has happened to him: car crash, hospitalization, mugging, arrested, etc..
4. Maybe something happened to a family member (or his kid) that's he's dealing with and is emotionally overwhelmed?
Then after worrying if something happened to him, we start to think it's about us...
5. Is he upset with me—did I offend him (guys are easy to break).
6. Is he no longer interested in dating/relationship?
7. Did he meet someone else?
8. Am I not sexy enough—does he not find me attractive anymore?
Finally, after getting over thinking his disappearance is about us, we get mad...
9. Why am I not worth a phone call or working on the relationship?
10. Are you f'n kidding me?
12. He's a lazy, immature a-hole that wants to find the easy way out!
13. I'm done!
When most men disappear they usually have a following act of reappearing—hurrah!? The reappearing act happens once they have had time to think about what they want or realizing that they could be making the biggest mistake by losing you. Although this second act might seem great, especially if you really like the guy, however, how do you know he won't disappear again? The problem—when a guy ceases communication, it destroys trust.
Abruptly changing ones pattern is disrupted to the heart and makes you question the relationship.
Consistency is important. When a guy goes from being consistent—i.e.: calling/texting daily, to no communication for days—it's a horrific feeling, especially if you haven't met his family or close friends. If something actually happen to him, how would you know? Only a man who's selfish and cares very little about your feeling would put you through the process of worrying. Most women would rather receive a text that says, " need a little me time to think," than nothing at all. At least this way we know your not dead on a sidewalk somewhere.
Ladies, if a guy thinks that performing a disappearing act on you is acceptable—he should think again. If he comes back into your life and you decide to give him a second chance, be clear that the next time he performs this act—it will be his finale!