- Gender and Relationships
Is He Performing A Disappearing Act On You?
Abracadabra, now you see him...now you don't! Unfortunately ladies, this man is not a magician so the anticipation, thrill and excitement of wondering when he will return again is not the same.
Disappearing acts can be exciting—when magicians do them—the anticipation of revealing themselves again can have you at the edge of your seat, not wanting to blink in fear that you might miss the finale. However, the feeling is not the same when a guy you are dating disappears out of your life. Poof!...no rhyme or reason—unbeknownst to you—that he has personally shared or text explaining why. This magic trick is not only lame, but also emotionally unsettling.
Why do men “disappear?”
- He has decided he is not that into you—aka; don't see a future—and does not know how to tell you.
- He is emotionally unavailable—he is still in-love with an Ex, has divorced parents/siblings—believes marriage doesn't work, or hasn't gotten over the hurt of a past break-up—keeping women at a distance.
- Thinks the grass is greener—wants the freedom to date other women.
- He is already in a committed relationship—and clearly never mentioned this to you.
- He has an unrealistic idea that relationships should be perfect and when they are not he runs away.
- Does not believe he deserves love—this fear will cause him to self-sabotage relationships.
- His feelings towards you have unexpectedly grown stronger and he doesn't know how to deal with his emotions.
When a guy decides to vanish from your life—without giving you the adult courtesy, as well as the respect of informing you why—this can make you feel rejected, unworthy and can leave you with so many unanswered questions. Let's keep it real, this completely sucks!
If you're dealing with a guy who thinks there is nothing wrong with disappearing out of your life—it definitely gives you an idea of the type of guy you are dating, as well as his maturity level.
Immature and emotionally unavailable men tend to have a hard time communicating their feelings effectively.
Instead of communicating, this type of man will take the path of running and hiding. Yikes! This is why there should be a basic rule of thumb when ending a relationship. The length of time you date should determine how he respectfully ends the relationship:
- Dating a few weeks—sending a text message can be an appropriate way to end the relationship.
- Over a month—a phone call.
- Two months or more—in person.
Either way, a guy needs to say or send something instead of leaving you playing the guessing game in your head.
Do as I say, not as I do...
Most men think it is OK to just stop calling/texting when something you might have said or done has rubbed them the wrong way. However, when they have rubbed you the wrong way—they will expect you to understand and forgive. Understanding that they are not perfect and because they like or care about you, things should be worked out. Why does this same understanding fall short when the tables are reversed?
The more baggage a guy has—a bad break-up or divorce, work stress, toppled with possibly juggling kids, financial stuff, and anything else that makes his world like a roller-coaster ride—the more he can be quick to judge and sometimes compare you. These things will ultimately make him more controlling and less understanding when you make a mistake in the relationship or do somethings that he can't comprehend.
Also, if he is not seeing a future with you, finding faults can be his way of keeping you at a distance. Keeping you at a distance can also occur if he develops unexpected feelings for you and is afraid of getting rejected or emotionally hurt. Unfortunately, with lack of communication, deciphering the cause of his apparent distance can be hard.
Instead of properly communicating any concerns or fears he has; he will instead judge your life, your choices, your opinions and much, much more, to make excuses to not be with you. He will deflect his guilt of the things he has done onto you. He will also compare you to his past relationship(s)—again, to keep his heart guarded—and he will find excuses why he can't spend significant quality time with you—filling his time with work, hobbies, activities, friends and family.
I say this often, no one is perfect.
We all have our stuff. The trick is working hard to not let your baggage get in the way (or potentially be the reason for a relationship to end). Most importantly, understanding it is not fair to unload all your crap onto the person you have just started dating—and expect the romance, chemistry and relationship won't be effected—because it will. But, is disappearing the best solution when things get hard or feelings start to develop?
Here's the thing men, no woman enjoys playing the guessing game—unless she is trying to guess which hand he is hiding a piece of jewelry in.
Communication is important for the survival of any relationship.
So often, men who disappear will also be poor communicators. They will justify (to themselves) that the reason for suddenly vanishing out of your life—without telling you—was due to something (or possibly a few things) that you have said or done, that they did not like. OK. Well, the problem, they never mentioned anything to you.
Not saying a word, is not communicating. And how can a woman fix something she doesn't even know is broken? The longer a guy vanishes, the less amusing he becomes—causing worry, questions and mistrust.
Trust is built and the connection deepens when a guy is consistent in his actions.
When a guy calls or contacts you daily, a few days a week or possibly certain times during the day, he not only creates trust and reliability, he also gives you a sense of security and something to look forward to. When his pattern all of a sudden changes or stops—it's not a complicated magic trick—most likely there is something wrong. But, as women, there is usually an emotional cycle we go through before getting upset.
When a guy disappears out of a woman's life, there are various emotions and thoughts she first has (usually in this order):
When we first don't hear from him, we give him the benefit of doubt...
1. Maybe he had an unexpected crazy work schedule and was too tired or forgot to call or didn't have time (although there is always time to send a text).
2. Maybe he has lost or broken his phone and will call soon.
After a while, we start to worry...
3. Maybe something terrible has happened to him: car crash, hospitalization, mugging, arrested, etc.
4. Maybe something happened to a friends, family member or his kid that he is dealing with and is emotionally overwhelmed?
Then after worrying if something happened to him, and still no contact, we start to think it is about us...
5. Is he upset with me—did I offend him (guys are more sensitive then we think).
6. Is he no longer interested in dating/relationship?
7. Did he meet someone else?
8. Am I not sexy enough—does he not fined me attractive anymore?
Finally, after getting over thinking his disappearance is about us, and still no word from him, we get mad...
9. Seriously, I’m not worth a phone call or working on the relationship?
10. He is disrespectful, immature and not worth my time.
11. I'm done!
When most men disappear they usually have a following act of reappearing—hurrah!?
The reappearing act happens once they have had time to think about what they want or realize they could be making the biggest mistake by losing you. Believe me, women who received this performance, are not clapping and asking for an encore at the end.
Although this second act might seem hopeful (especially if you care or possibly love him), how do you know he won't disappear again? The problem—when a guy ceases communication, it destroys trust.
Abruptly changing one's pattern is disrupted to the connection that was there and makes one question the relationship.
Consistency is important. When a guy switches gears from being consistent—i.e.: calling/texting daily, to no communication for days—it is a horrific feeling, especially if you have not met his family or close friends. If something actually happen to him, how would you know?
Only a man who is selfish and cares little about your feelings would put you through the process of worrying. Most women would rather receive a text that says, "Need a little me time to think," than nothing at all. At least this way we know he is not dead on a sidewalk somewhere.
Ladies, do you really want the unsettling emotionally roller-coaster ride from a man who doesn't know what he wants? If a guy thinks that performing a disappearing act on you is acceptable, chances are he will do it again.
Bottom-line, if he does comes back into your life and you decide to take him back, be very clear; the next time he performs this act—it will be his finale!