- Gender and Relationships
Is He Spontaneous Or Just Rude?
"In about 45mins I can disappear (from work) for a couple hours...want to spend it with me?" This can sound not only enticing to hear from a guy that you've just started dating, it can also make you feel giddy and desirable. Knowing that a guy wants to see you, as well as make time for you does feel good—as long as the only time you see him, is not always a last minute thought.
In the beginning when a guy wants to see you last minute it can feel thrilling and seem exciting.
What woman's heart wouldn't skip a beat hearing a guy tell her that he has been thinking about her all morning and would love to take her to lunch in an hour or leave work to spend the rest of the afternoon together? This would leave any woman smiling from ear to ear. But, when seeing him last minute starts to become a habit, is it romantically spontaneous or just plain lazy, inconsiderate (of your time), disrespectful and frankly, rude?
Being spontaneous has its time and place, however, when a guy can never or does not feel the need to make advanced plans to ever see you—this can be a Red Flag, and definitely a concern.
Most women like to have a day or several days’ notice of when they will be seeing a guy—especially if a woman is a planner or has a busy schedule. Since a woman's prep-time when getting ready is usually ninety percent of the time longer than a man’s, yes, it is nice to know—ahead of time—exactly when we would be seeing him.
Spontaneous doesn't always work when we want to look and feel sexy for a man…
Unless you are a woman who does not groom her bikini area, enjoys having hairy armpits and legs or doesn't need to tweeze her eyebrows or possibly her lady mustache—than seeing a guy last minute can end up being more stressful than necessary. Also, if you are a woman who enjoys daily workouts then your hair—if you’re not rocking a short hair do—can be time consuming to style. And, if you are sexually intimate, the pressure of getting yourself together quickly can potentially be disastrous, toppled with annoyance—killing the excitement that should be there.
I realize most men usually don't worry about the extensive grooming "details" to the degree that women do to make themselves look, as well as feel sexy. However, a spontaneous guy will still expect you to miraculously look fabulous, even when he calls last minute to hangout. Seriously?
Why is it, if we don't have the proper time to look sexy—looking too "natural," some men will have the nerve to say, "Am I not worth you looking sexy for?" What woman doesn't enjoy smart-ass comments, especially when there was lack of a time frame for seeing him on his part?
Depending on what you do for work, when you work out (gym, yoga, etc.) or what you were doing right before his call, would be the determining factor to how much time can be devoted to getting ready. However, regardless of those situations, the real question should be, "Why can he never plan a pre-scheduled date with me?"
Is he busy or just lazy and inconsiderate?
There are men who will justify being busy as an excuse to why they can only see you last minute. They will have the audacity to think their time is more precious than yours—therefore you should be appreciative, flattered as well as understanding that any time they bequeath to you, is an honor. In their eyes you should feel honored they can give you any time with their o-so-busy schedule. Regardless, in his mind, if its last minute, you should be available, even if that means dropping any plans you already have. Oh Please!
If a guy is going to date you, he should put in the time to see you, and the effort to date you—making you feel special: aka planning dates, making adequate time and valuing you and your schedule.
How can a guy claim that he is "incredibly" busy, therefore last minute plans is the only way he can" possibly" see you. But, in the same BS sentence he has made advance plans with his friends, events, vacations and family things right in front of you? Or, when you talk about his weekend or month—it is already filled with activities. So, which is it? Is he too busy to make plans ahead of time with YOU or does he not think you are important enough to make plans with? Basically, you are not a priority in his life.
Not wanting to make future plans, can mean a lack of caring…
I briefly dated a guy who defined spontaneity, aka: last minute dating plans. The only time that I would see him was when he would make plans with me an hour (sometimes two) before the actual time that he wanted to see me. Thrilling?!
At first I did feel flattered he was able to “squeeze” time in to see me. This flattery feeling did not last long when I realized although he could never make a pre-planned date with me—days ahead of time—he was able (and capable) of making plans with other people.
Let's keep it real, it doesn't take a genius to realize his time, nor his heart was fully invested in me. Hearing him tell me how much he liked me and enjoyed spending time with me, was a moot point, especially knowing he did not respect me and my time enough to make the effort to plan dates. His last minute date planning solidified I was a last minute thought. Every woman's dream.
Who wants to date a guy who only makes time for them (when most likely) previous plans were cancelled or changed—therefore leaving room for him to see you? Wouldn't you want to be the original plan, versus last minute? More importantly, don't you deserve a guy who will take the time to plan a scheduled date for you? I do.
Realizing the difference between a guy being spontaneous verse being an inconsiderate dater, means knowing your own self-worth. I am all for spontaneity—on occasion—but all the time is just insulting, disrespectful and frankly, annoying.
His way or the highway?
The guy I dated would not only plan last minute dates to see me, he would also have the nerve to be upset if I wasn't available. The last time I had previous plans when he wanted to see me—one hour before I was meeting a friend, he texted me, "enjoy your plans. Won't make that mistake again." Wow! And then I didn't hear from him for several weeks. Needless to say, after he was done pouting and finally called...I ended things.
Ladies, a guy should never make you feel guilty for having other plans, when clearly he does not think that making plans with you is necessary. If you are important to him, he will want to reserve time in your life for the two of you—scheduling a day during the week, as well as a weekend night and any upcoming events you both would attend together. If he won't do this or hesitates, you are not a lifetime future plan for him.
When we believe that finding love is as hard as finding a needle in a haystack, it can be easy to make excuses for the poor behavior that a guy is obviously displaying. At the end of the day, we need to determine for ourselves if half-ass dating—which usually ends up being a roller coaster ride of emotions—is better than no relationship?
Men, what you fail to realize is; women enjoy the anticipation of a date. We understand things can come up and plans might change, however we still need to feel like we are a priority in your life. Trust me, if you want to keep the spark alive, the chemistry going and her attraction for you increasing—plan a date ahead of time (and work hard at keeping it). This will keep her mind on what's to come—creating excitement and desire in your relationship.
Here's the thing, when we know in our heart that we do deserve a great guy—who will treat us with love and respect, then we are opening our heart to finding just that. This does not mean that last minute plans should never occur, it just means they will not be the entire basis of our relationship.
Ladies, a man who genuinely cares for you and wants you to remain in his life, will not risk the potential of not seeing you due to last minute planning. Instead, he will recognize to build a lasting, successful relationship, it can only occur by spending quality time together…that is convenient for you both.
Bottom-line, we all make quality time for the things and people we want to remain in our lives. If he truly wants to keep you in his life, you will not be a recurring last minute thought!