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Is He Spontaneous Or Just Rude?

Updated on August 1, 2014
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

"In about 45mins I will be able to disappear (from work) for a couple hours. Want to spend it with me?" This can sounds not only enticing to hear from a guy that you've just started dating, it can also make you feel giddy and desirable. Knowing that a guy wants to see you, as well as make time for you does feel good—as long as the only time you see him, isn't always a last minute thought.

In the beginning when a guy wants to see you last minute it can feel thrilling and seem exciting. What woman's heart wouldn't skip a beat hearing a guy tell her that he has been thinking about her all morning and would love to take her to lunch in an hour or leave work to spend the rest of the afternoon together? This would leave any girl smiling from ear to ear. But, when seeing him last minute starts to become a habit, is it really romantically spontaneous or just plan lazy, rude and disrespectful?

Being spontaneous has it's time and place, however, when a guy can never or doesn't feel the need to make advanced plans to ever see you—this can be a red flag, and definitely a concern.

Most women like to have a day or several days notice of when they will be seeing a guy—especially if a woman is a planner or has a busy schedule. Since a woman's prep-time when getting ready is usually ninety percent of the time longer than a mans—it's nice to know exactly when you would be seeing each other.

Unless you're a woman who doesn't groom her bikini area, enjoys having hairy armpits and legs or doesn't need to tweeze her eyebrows or possibly her lady mustache, than seeing a guy last minute can end up being more stressful then necessary. And, if you are sexually intimate, the pressure of getting yourself together quickly can potentially be disastrous, toppled with annoyance—killing the excitement that should be there.

I realize that most men usually don't worry about the extensive grooming "details" to the degree that woman do in order to make themselves look, as well as feel sexy. However, a guy like this will still expect you to miraculously look fabulous, even when he calls last minute to hangout. Seriously? Why is it that if you don't have the proper time to look sexy—looking too "natural," he will have the nerve to say, "am I not worth you looking sexy for?" What woman doesn't enjoy smart-ass comments, especially when there was lack of a timeframe on his part?

Depending on what you do for work, when you workout (gym, yoga, etc) or what you were doing right before his call, would be the determining factor to how much time can be devoted to getting ready. However, regardless of any of those situations, the real question should be, "why can he never plan a pre-scheduled date with me?"

Is he really busy or just lazy?

There are men who will justify being busy as an excuse to why they can only see you last minute: he feels his time is soooo precious that you should be appreciative, flattered as well as understanding that any time he bequeaths to you, is an honor. In his eyes you should feel honored that he's able to give you any time with his o-so-busy schedule. Regardless, in his mind, if it's last minute, you should be available, even if that means dropping any plans you already have. Please!

If a guy is going to date you, he should put in the time to see you, and the effort to date you—making you feel special: aka planning dates, making adequate time and valuing you. How can a guy claim that he is incredibly busy, therefore last minute plans is the only way he can possibly see you. But, in the same BS sentence he's made advance plans with his friends, events, vacations and family things right in front of you? Or, when you talk about his weekend or month—it's already filled with activities. So which is it? Is he too busy to make plans ahead of time with you or does he not think you're important enough to make plans with?

I briefly dated a guy who defined spontaneity, aka: last minute dating plans. The only time that I would see him was when he would make plans with me an hour (sometimes two) before the actual time that he wanted to see me. Thrilling?!

At first I did feel flattered that he was squeezing time in to see me. This flattery feeling didn't last long when I realized that although he could never make an actually date with me—days ahead of time, he was able (and capable) of making plans with other people. It doesn't take a genius to realize that his time and heart were not fully invested in me. Hearing him tell me how much he liked me and enjoyed spending time with me, was a moot point when he didn't respect me and my time enough to make the effort to plan dates. His last minute date planning solidified that I was a last minute thought. Every woman's dream.

Who really wants to date a guy who only makes time for them (when most likely) previous plans were cancelled or changed...therefore leaving room for him to see you? Wouldn't you want to be the original plan, versus last minute? More importantly, don't you deserve for a guy to take the time to plan a scheduled date for you? I do.

Realizing the difference between a guy being spontaneous verse being a lazy dater, means knowing your own self-worth. I am all for spontaneity—once in a while, but all the time is just insulting.

The guy I dated would not only plan last minute dates to see me, he would also have the nerve to be upset if I wasn't available. The last time I had previous plans when he wanted to see me—one hour before I was meeting a friend, he texted me, "enjoy your plans. Won't make that mistake again." Wow! And then I didn't hear from him for over a week. Needless to say, after he was done pouting and finally called....I ended things.

A guy should never make you feel guilty for having other plans, when clearly he doesn't think that making plans with you is necessary. If you are important to him, he will want to reserve time in your life for the two of you—scheduling a day during the week, as well as a weekend night and any upcoming events you both would attend together.

Ladies, when you believe that finding love is as hard as finding a needle in a haystack, it can be easy to make excuses for the poor behavior that a guy is obviously displaying. At the end of the day, you need to determine for yourself if half-ass dating—which usually ends up being a roller coaster ride of emotions, is better than no relationship? When you know in your heart that you do deserve a great guy—who will treat you with love and respect, then you are opening your heart to finding just that. This doesn't mean that last minute plans should never occur, it just means that they shouldn't be the entire basis of your relationship—or he isn't spontaneous, he's just plain rude!


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      mysterios 5 months ago

      I put two and two together and it equals to deception . I learned the hard way . I met this guy five years ago and thought we would be great friends but , every time he came over it wasn't planned . It was always 10 seconds of talking , then under the cover we went . We use to text all the time . He came by , one time and said that I live too far away to keep seeing(mind you , only 2 hours away). Texted him a few days ago and never received an answer . This is the way I see it . If a man doesn't plan ahead of time to see you , he's not considering you as an important person , he's only thinking about what he wants and needs at that time . I realized that , if a man come to my house and we end up under cover , the only thing on his mind is a booty call . Think about it , never plan to hang out and spend time with you , only having sex when he come to see you , down to not even returning messages when you call or text him . The only thing he is thinking about is how to get your clothes off , so he can get off (you know) .

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      Ryosuke 2 years ago

      ja zhdu etot reliz 2 GODA! wArIor999 oni ego neskoljko raz ohlibasi i kazhdij raz oshiblisj i shas esho raz ????????? Eto uzhe budet naglo

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      Niravnnsb 2 years ago

      Thanks for stnatirg the ball rolling with this insight.

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      mary 3 years ago

      I agree, we teach men how to treat us. Very interesting article.

    • Miss-Adventures profile image

      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      realtalk247....agree, agree, agree! :)

    • realtalk247 profile image

      realtalk247 3 years ago

      Miss Adventures and Dashingscorpio you both have excellent points.

      Someone once told me that you can't take personally human nature. Sometimes, although I'm not a fan of tests, will try to test or determine your boundaries and parameters for interaction. It's just determine the standard or measures that you allow according to how you value yourself. While not ever person plays into this, I've known women who played with no boundaries and the interaction turned out less than favorable for them.

    • Miss-Adventures profile image

      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      I think the "we teach men how to treat us," is from the same concept that if you don't want to be a booty call, then don't pick up the phone at 1am when he calls and see him. Flipping it around...if you don't pick up the phone at 1am, if he really interested (in more than a booty call), then maybe he will "learn" to start making plans with you ahead of time. Dashingscorpio, I Completely agree with you that life is too short to be "trying to change water into wine." I definitely don't have time to change or teach any guy. :)

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 3 years ago

      Miss-Adventures , I've heard a lot women buy into the "we teach (men) how to treat us". However I always tell them if you actually have to "teach" a man to be considerate or treat you with respect then chalk it up to him being the "wrong man" for you! He's not "the one"!

      One is better off searching for a man who (already is) the kind of man they want to be in a relationship with. It's the "teaching" or expecting someone to change that drives you nuts.

      Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.

      The sooner one realizes (he/she is NOT "the one") the better off both people will be. Naturally this assumes a person has "realistic expectations". :-)

    • Miss-Adventures profile image

      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      Very, very true realtalk247! I love every point you have made especially the fact that a "spontaneous" guy could also be in a relationship or married. And I fully agree that "we teach people how to treat us"---unfortunately some people think and believe that that don't deserve the best. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. :)

    • realtalk247 profile image

      realtalk247 3 years ago

      Love your article. I was also going to add continuous spontaneity may also mean he's married or in a relationship. That sudden invitation could really mean "oh I can get a way for a few hours and hang out" as well as being inconsiderate. Jumping at someone's whim and on their schedule will reveal you ultimately little regard for oneself.

      Every once in a while, great. Also in the early stages of dating women need to establish their value and "jumping" when he calls is a mistake and a message that there is most likely no other man pursuing you in your life to be so "eager" to drop everything to be with him.


      It's a retraining technique.


      You wanna come hang out at the house with me tonight?

      No thank you, I already have plans

      I'm about to get off of work in 10 minutes, you wanna get together?

      Oh I wish you would have called me earlier this week, I can't tonight.

      (Wednesday) I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner Saturday night at 7pm?

      Yes, that sounds like something to look forward to on Saturday.

      We teach people how to treat us.

    • Miss-Adventures profile image

      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      Thank you so much for the Vote Up dashingscorpio! I fully agree with all your comments and points. As always thank you for reading. :)

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 3 years ago

      Voted up and useful!

      After the initial "infatuation phase" in any relationship people would gladly trade these so called "spontaneous dates" for some "planned dates". Predictability and stability help to develop emotional security in a relationship.

      If someone always feels like they're "on call" and must be prepared to "jump" at a minute's notice then they are being (controlled). This is often how people end up becoming accidental "booty calls".

      More often than not a person who "jumps" each time they get the call is (afraid) of saying "no" because they believe he or she is not going to make time to see them again.

      Anytime you believe saying "no" will end the relationship it means you don't feel secure in the relationship. I suspect if it were the other way around where the woman called this guy at the last minute he'd have no problem telling her he can't make it or he has other plans already.