- Gender and Relationships
Is It Important To Move Into A New Place Together?
Deciding if you are ready to move in together is a big decision. Deciding where to live can potentially be a stressful decision. Should you move in with him, should he move in with you, or should you find a new place to move in together?
I get that the excitement of moving in together can cause you to not think with a clear head as to the best place to live for your relationship to successfully grow, however it is important to take the time to really weigh all the pros and cons—his place, your place or a place you find together? And just because his or your place might be bigger, doesn't mean that should be the deciding factor.
Obviously the biggest pros of living together is that you get to see each other more and it's the next step to elevating your relationship to the next level. Yay! Another pro is that if you find a place to rent or buy together you have the fun experience of creating a loving home together—deciding how you want to paint, decorate and combine your things. The con can be the deciding factor of whose home to move in to and if that person is really open to their home also being your home—without any doubt.
I have lived with three guys before. Two of the guys I ended up temporarily moving in with them for a few months until we found a place together. When we did find a place together it felt like our place—creating a new beginning for us. The third guy I lived with I was convinced to move into his place—even though I owned my own condo. For me, finding a place together versus moving into a guy’s place was a totally different experience.
Moving in with a guy—with no plans of finding our own place—ended up not being the best decision—and it didn't help our relationship in the long run.
When my boyfriend (at the time) asked me to move in with him he sold the idea like a top salesman selling a Porsche SUV. He gave me all the luxury points—his place was much bigger, he talked about all the romantic dinners we would have on his sky rise balcony, pool parties and barbecues by the pool, relaxing moments in the hot tub and he would let me redecorate his place the way I wanted—even giving up his walk-in closet so that I would have room to fit all my clothes and shoes. A girls dream! Although I was never keen on the idea of moving in with a guy, my Ex made it sound very appealing so I decided to take the leap.
At first, moving in with him was exciting. We were able to spend more quality time together, fall asleep every night together, have more sex and wake-up to each other every morning. Who wouldn't want that with the man they loved? Plus we moved his furniture around and purchased things to decorate and make his place more into "our" place. Well, the excitement of living together turned quickly into "his place syndrome." Hmmm...
"His place syndrome" is when you move in with a guy and every time he gets upset with you or wants to manipulate you into doing something he will remind you that since he lived there first and you are not on the mortgage or lease—that it's actually HIS place—not yours. Because of this, he's OK reminding you that if you don't like something he has said or done then you can move out. Great.
Here's the thing, men are not the only ones who do this. Women are just as guilty of being annoyed when they ask a guy to move in and he wants to move in "stuff" that she doesn't feel fits her decor or style. Or he doesn't keep her place as kept up—washing dishes, keeping the toilet seat down, throwing laundry on the floor, finishing food (beverages and condiments in the fridge) and not telling her, etc.—she will display "HER place syndrome." Referencing her dislikes, "could you please_______ in MY place." Yikes!
I'm not saying that you can't successfully move into a significant others place and maintain a healthy relationship, it would all depend on various points.
9 important things to know and discuss BEFORE moving in with a significant other:
1. Do they own a lot of things?—if their house is already fully decorated the way they like it they might not be open to making changes, however if they don't own a lot then there's space for your things.
2. How long have they lived in their place?—the longer someone has lived in a place, the more set they may be on daily routines, how they run the house, and where they want specific things to be placed. However, if they haven't lived there long then they might be more inclined to be open to suggestions and working with you to make their home a home you share together.
3. Is there room for your belongings?—if you have a lot of belongings—furniture, clothing, artwork, shoes, decorative items, kitchenware, etc. will you be open to store or sell some of your things and will they be willing to do the same in order to make room for your items? However, there are some people that live minimally and this might not be an issue at all.
4. Does their style match yours?—if you have completely different styles they might not be willing to combine styles. However, some people have various styles that end up meshing perfectly together—creating a unique, eclectic, fun look.
5. Is it a temporary move or something you see more permanently?—temporary move means that they are open to finding a new place together in the near future—which is great!. However, moving in on a permanent basis means that they might expect you to help pay their mortgage or lease—something you might not want to do if your name isn't on the mortgage or lease.
6. How big is their place?—(this shouldn't be the only deciding factor) obviously two people would want to have more room when living together versus less, however it would still depend on how much available room space is actually in the home (that hasn't been decorated or filled with things).
9. Is there Ex-history regarding their home?—if they originally rented or purchased their home with an Ex there still could be some residue of when the Ex lived there—how it’s decorated, things they once owned together or possibly an Ex’s negative energy (that still resides)—Yikes! It’s not the best feeling to move into a place that you know was originally picked out and shared with someone else—especially if they lived with that person for a while and/or the break-up was devastating. Make sure you fully discuss all of this and you are truly OK with this circumstance.
7. Location?—location can be huge. If they live in the same or similar location as you then commuting to work, favorite hangouts, and friends/family visiting wouldn't be a big change. However if they live a lot further—you would need to decide how open you are to commuting.
8. Are they really open to you moving in?—telling you is one thing, their actions—after the "moving in" excitement has worn off—is another.
Everyone's situation is different. Like I said, I know couples who have had no issues with moving in with their significant other. I also know other couples who have had many issues. Through my experiences, I have found that finding a new place to move in together brings new energy, new excitement, and a home you create together with both of your belongings, vision and new things you pick out along the way. When you find a home together there is also no "HIS" or "HER place syndrome" because it's a joint place you found and moved in together.
Bottom line, living together is a adjustment for anyone, why make that adjustment any harder by moving into the other person's place? Again, if it's a temporary move for a year or so until a lease is over or to give you time to find a place you both love and have the money to buy or rent, then go for it. Relationships move forward with big moves, so when the time is right, find a perfect place that the two of you can get excited about. Sign the documents, hire movers, and unlock a place full of new adventures and memories together that you both will call home.