ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Is The List You've Created Blocking You From Love? -Stephanie Bailey

Updated on January 12, 2015
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

While creating a list describing all of the qualities you want in your potential significant other is important, often times this list can get out of control. If you cannot be reasonable and logical with your personal "must haves," this can cause you to become too picky or possibly creating this “perfect” image of a guy that will most likely be impossible to find. Kind of like searching for a needle in a haystack...rarely will this feat be successful.

When this happens you need to ask yourself, “Could this list I have created, whether it be only in my mind, or written down on paper, be hurting, rather than helping my love life?” This is an important questions to ask yourself, before you start demanding your needs to the one who could end up being your true love. You could easily scare him away before you have the time to find out if he is truly "the one."

Knowing what you want is a big step. There are many women that don’t know what they want and continue to attract men that aren’t great matches—their “Picker” is Way off. Other women claim they know what they want, but aren’t fully clear (usually due to lack of self-love)—causing them to attract men who don’t value, respect or want the same things as they do. Then there are women who know exactly what they want, and will cycle through men like quick and impersonal job interviews until they find the right one. Yikes!

Spending time to really think about what you envision in a man who you would want to date or see the possibility of one day marrying, definitely can help to give you more clarity, especially if you have been attracting men who have left you will unfulfilling endings. Writing this list on paper or creating a vision board of what your “perfect” partner’s attributes should be like—i.e. how he would feel, look, dress, act, etc. in an “ideal” situation, can definitely create a stronger vision for you. But, the older you become and depending on when you first started creating your list, will most likely determine how ridiculously long this list can become. Your list that started out innocent can become the downfall of your relationships, both current and future.

Most often we create our "What we want in a Guy list" at a very young age and through time, it becomes increasingly bigger and much more defined.

The first list you created was probably in middle school—when you were figuring out that you were attracted to boys. If you kept a diary, you probably jotted down physical traits for your potential boyfriend. What his height, body type, hair color/length, eye color, shape of face, and fashion style would be. Looking back, you probably cared more about his looks than personality traits. Either way, the muse that inspired the start of your first list was probably someone you had a crush on. He ultimately set the bar for the type of guy you could see spending the rest of your life with. Such a simpler time. If only you realized then that looks only go so far, your list would probably have consisted less about looks and more about attributes.

As your high school years developed, so did your list. Since your priorities changed with time—altering the importance of physical vs. emotional qualities, you continued to add on to your list. You began to factor in how many kids you could see yourself one day having, what state/country you want to raise your family in, what your home would look like (white picket fence), and the precise age at which would get married. Aahh…to be young again and have everything figured out. But, rarely is it ever that simple, because if it were a perfect world, we would all be married and living happily ever after by now.

As you grew older (college/post-grad years) and started dating more seriously, you came to the realization that your all-inclusive list must include more than your partners physical appearance and what type of house you wanted. Superficial factors suddenly became less important—the entire essence of a man also mattered, so you tweak your list once again. Your list is modified with the important questions asked and answered with what you desire in a relationship (and hopefully husband). Can my significant other relate emotionally to my family and friends? Will my friends like his personality? What are his interests and hobbies and how do they connect and fit with me? Do we have things in common? Is he romantic, funny laid-back, and/or driven? Is there an option to have children? Is he loyal, trustworthy and dependable?

The older you are, the more you date, the more knowledgeable and well-rounded you become (in terms of solidifying what you want in your partner)—but—the less you find someone who comes close to fitting your perfect list of qualifications. In addition, the longer you stay single, the pickier you become, and the longer the list seems to grow. You realize that you also want a guy who you have chemistry with. A guy who is a great lover—not selfish or Quick Draw. You want a guy who is always supportive in your life and career. A guy who can share what’s going on in his life and also listens when you talk. A guy who is affectionate—has no problem holding hands or kissing in public. A Guy who’s chivalrous and remembers to do the little things to show you how much he cares about you and the relationship you two share. There are sooo many things you start to realize that you want…why stop now?

Think about it: youve waited THIS long to date someone, why would you settle now? So, this prompts you to enhance your list a fifth time (fifth times, the charm!).

Naturally, you delve deeper to narrow down what you truly want. You ask yourself the following questions:

“Is he an effective communicator? Has he ever cheated? How often does he drink or do drugs? What does he do for a living? How does he handle anger (my mom’s favorite question)? What’s his astrological sign—and is it compatible with mine? Has he ever been married? Does he have children—if so how old are they, does he have full custody and how open is he to me one day meeting them? Is he afraid of commitment? Is he financially stable? Do he like to travel—trips that include me or by himself?” “Is he willing to compromise or is all about him?” “Does he really listen when something bothers me and works to make changes, or does it go in one ear and out the other?” “Is he there when you need him? “Is he a can do guy or is he full of excuses why he can’t?”

These are only a few of the questions you begin to ask yourself that can be relevant in helping you with determining what a successful relationship is for you. Unfortunately, the list starts to become so incredibly long, that ultimately you cant fully grasp it; what you thought would be helpful is actually hindering your progress. You finally have an epiphany: your so-called “love list” is actually guarding you from finding true love.

When you create lists like these that are incredibly precise and detailed, you end up missing out on meeting someone great because each check mark they don’t receive, gives you a reason to walk away. Your list automatically creates an imaginary shield; an excuse to protect your vulnerable heart. I get it, love is scary. Especially frightening if you have had many unsuccessfully relationships and heartbreaks. But, sometimes you have to get out of your own way for love to come into your life.

Do you want to remain single due to the confines of your list that has become detrimental to your relationship potential; you become stubborn—too independent and set in your ways; therefore, not allowing someone you could create a future with, come into your life. Once again, youre forced to ask yourself, “Is this list really getting me closer to love?”

The best advice I can give you is to throw your list away! Replace your endless, complicated list with approximately five non-negotiable qualities—essentially, that you feel you need in order to have a healthy and successful relationship. Once you comprehend your five core relationship attributes, you can effectively open your heart to love. Not only will the right person find you, but you will be receptive to all that they have to offer as a whole person.

Bottom line, ask yourself what is truly important...and how you would feel if a guy you really liked and hoped to nurture into a lasting relationship...found little flaws with you. How would you feel if he decided to end things because your tummy was not quite flat enough...or your breasts aren’t perky enough...think about it...It does not matter how beautiful or sexy you are...shallowness is not attractive!

P.S. If you enjoy my writing, please help me become more known by clicking on the links above—Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn, and following me here on HubPages. I appreciate it! Sending you light and love! ;)


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 

      7 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Anything can block you from love you just got to avoid certain lists and focus on what you want interesting thoughts here.

    • Miss-Adventures profile imageAUTHOR

      Stephanie Bailey 

      7 years ago from Denver

      Perfectly stated! Thank you for reading.

    • Miss-Adventures profile imageAUTHOR

      Stephanie Bailey 

      7 years ago from Denver

      Thank you dashingscorpio! I totally agree that "too often people are asking for the moon without having anything to offer." That's why it's important to work on one's self-work verses ones list. ;)

    • Miss-Adventures profile imageAUTHOR

      Stephanie Bailey 

      7 years ago from Denver

      Thank you dashingscorpio! I totally agree that "too often people are asking for the moon without having anything to offer." That's why it's important to work on one's self-work verses ones list. ;)

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 

      7 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Awesome there is no partner as the right one, no list or rule can make any person the one, great points here.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      7 years ago from Chicago

      Voted up, Useful, and Awesome!

      Too often people are asking for the moon without having anything in return to offer. I ask my clients and students if they were this "special person" would they date themselves? Water seeks it's own level and like attracts like.

      "Don't expect to sit next to the moon unless you are a star!"

      You made an excellent point by stating just how much dating is an (evolutionary) process. What we consider to be an "ideal mate" changes over the various phases of our lifetime. This probably explains why so many marriages fail between those who marry at early ages (late teens and early 20s). They have not had the experiences or time to determine who they are let alone what they really want/need in a mate for life.

      With time we learn to be both realistic and practical. There is no such thing as the "perfect person". :-)


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)