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It's Better Than Being Alone?

Updated on February 14, 2020

I’ve known people who have stayed in a relationship even though they aren’t truly happy — most would call that settling.

And I’ve seen people who have gone from relationship to relationship, never taking the time in between to have a break and be with themselves.

There’s something these people have in common — they are avoiding being on their own.

But why? What is it about being alone that they’re avoiding?

Is it fear?
Is it neediness?
Or is there something we aren’t seeing on the surface that leads people to jump from person to person or stay in a bad relationship?

Settling

There’s a good percentage of people out there that are in relationships where one or both of them are settling. They’re not truly in love or happy with the relationship but they won’t leave no matter how dull or miserable they feel in their life because of it.

Maybe they can’t be bothered leaving because what they have is better than what they’d have if they were alone. Anyone’s company is better than their own company. And finding someone who will truly love them is either too difficult or too scary, or it may even seem impossible.

Perhaps it could even be because they’re satisfied with what they have, so why would they leave and ruin that satisfaction?

Suprising, right?

Well, it turns out those who have low self-esteem have low standards. That part isn’t surprising, but what this means is that they’re willing to put up with a crappy partner because they’re expectations are being met — they’re very low expectations may I add. And when your expectations are so low that someone horrible can fulfill them then, of course, you are going to feel content with your misery in some way.

So, to them being satisfied and having a relationship feels a lot more secure than being on their own.

Going From One Relationship to the Next

Much like those who settle, the people that are never single for long are also more content with some sort of relationship compared to being alone.

It could be out of boredom that they flit from person to person. It doesn’t even need to be a relationship, this could also mean they string someone along or have a friends with benefits type of situation.

This obviously has to do with something deep within themselves that they’re avoiding — perhaps the need to feel validated and wanted by others, or maybe they just don’t know how to be alone with themselves.

But being needy for validation, companionship, and love won’t stop until it comes from within. I know, it’s so cliche, right? But when we lack self-love there’s always going to be an emptiness no one and nothing else can fill except ourselves. It’s a painfully hard journey to go on at times but it is worth it. Always looking for someone to love us, validate us or stay with us is harder in the long run.

Fear and Neediness

Fear and neediness is a toxic combination to have. And the biggest reason people end up with these two things is usually because of something that happened which left them feeling this way.

To be alone brings up the fear that they believe to be true — that no one enjoys their company. And with that fear comes neediness — the need to prove the fear wrong.

It’s a cycle that’s hard to break because there will be so many old traumas that are rooted in these two things.

The mind is a trickster. So, for example, a person who jumps from relationship to relationship and never stays single long may have been shown as a child that they’re company wasn’t something their parents wanted around and that might be where some of the neediness stems from.

As they grew up that fear of being unwanted was continuously ‘validated’ by other people. This may be what led to the ego needing to prove that they were wanted. And one of the ways to prove that is to avoid being alone in their own company and find someone, anyone to validate them. It’s a bitter game the mind and ego play on us as humans

But that is just one example. There are so many different reasons why a person fears being alone and it’s up to them to figure it out.

So is it Better Than Being Alone?

Personally I would rather be alone than being in an unfulfilling relationship. Everyone has free will to choose what it is that they want. If they want to settle for less then go ahead. If people want to be needy for validation and want to live in fear then that’s fine. But life won’t be half as satisfying if you choose to live from a place of fear. And yes, I know that avoiding your problems seems easier but going down the path of freedom will make you feel lighter somehow. The world around you will change in amazing ways if you make choices from a place of self-love.

Choose you, always.

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    • Brenda Arledge profile image

      BRENDA ARLEDGE 

      6 weeks ago from Washington Court House

      This is an interesting article, I can see how someone believes it is "settling".

      It is great to find and share that once in a lifetime kind of love, but each of us have been raised quite differently.

      So sometimes others don't respond the way your mind thinks one should.

      As one get older and the years have graced them with love before only to find oneself alone he sometimes wants that feeling of a useful purpose.

      Still sharing a deep loving care willing to be there for one another, but not that kind of love told in fairy tales.

      It is indeed a much stronger bond. One worth sharing.

      Thanks for the read.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      6 weeks ago from Chicago

      "Well, it turns out those who have low self-esteem have low standards. That part isn’t surprising, but what this means is that they’re willing to put up with a crappy partner because their expectations are being met — their very low expectations may I add. And when your expectations are so low that someone horrible can fulfill them then, of course, you are going to feel content .."

      Very true! If someone is "content" that's not really settling!

      The truth of the matter people always choose what THEY think is their BEST option based upon the EFFORT or COST required of THEM. Imagine being presented with two cars.

      1. The first car is a 2020 Audi 8 fully equipped.

      2. The other car is a rusty 1972 Ford Gremlin

      However in order to get the first car you are required to run/walk a marathon. As for the second car you can drive off right now in it.

      A lot of people want what comes EASY or they're willing to take what life offers them. It's not so much that they are "settling" but rather they don't want to have to {expend effort} attempting to have better!

      Another thing people are fond of doing is telling themselves they "settled" when in fact what they have was the "best option" available to them. It's not settling if I choose the best of what's there!

      Last but not least some people LOVE drama and challenges!

      For example some young women go through a "bad boy" phase.

      You could stick such a woman in a room with five guys and have four of them drop to their knees extending their heart out towards her while the 5th guy sits in a corner sipping a cocktail acting as if she does not exist. That will be the guy she wants to get to know!

      She sees him as a "mystery", a "challenge", someone who will make her (earn) his attention and affection. If she learns other women want him as well that makes him even more valuable.

      A lot of these types of women love "puzzles" when it comes to relationships. They enjoy trying to "figure out" if a guy loves them or what he meant when he said this or that...Is he cheating? and so on.

      When they meet a "nice guy" they'll put him their "friend zone".

      A guy who offers love, loyalty, reliability, and showers them with kindness is considered BORING. She wants an ADVENTURE.

      Love which (comes easily) isn't valued by a lot of people.

      The best "love stories" in books and movies always involve couples not having a "smooth ride". They're always dealing with obstacles, drama, yelling/crying, breakups, makeups, before there is a happy ending. This explains why people avoid "compatible partners".

      They expect/want the "fairytale" of the love roller coaster ride.

      If you're unhappy in a relationship and choose to stay you are choosing to be unhappy. No one is "stuck" with anyone!

      Suffering is optional.

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