- Gender and Relationships
Ms Fix-It: A Woman's Need To Fix Her Relationship
The Tools For Fixing
Besides diet fads, relationship books and guides are the next best thing you can waste your money on. If you want to make money, write a book about how women can fix their relationships or become the next Dr. Laura- it's only coincidence that my name is Laura. If you want to waste money, buy a book about how to fix your relationship.
Aren't there two people in the relationship? Wouldn't that make it necessary for both people to be involved when fixing the relationship? What good is it when only the woman reads the books? From what I hear, there are two sides to every story and every divorce, so it would seem both people should be involved in the 'fixing'.
Rule # 1 (and only) You can't make someone love you and when you're married, you can't make the relationship work all by yourself. If you and your partner agree something needs to be fixed, read a book together or work on it together. Be sure you're in it together because many men will appease their woman by going along with her fix-it program just to maintain relationship homeostasis.
Speaking from experience, I dragged my husband (mostly my idea) to counseling because I tried fixing my previous relationship with all the 'helpful' books on the market . I learned that didn't work. After counseling with my husband didn't help, I had an epiphany; it shouldn't be up to me (only) to fix our relationship.
I've also heard of couples' workshops, and women seem to think this is a way they can work on fixing the relationship together. Wrong! Who suggested and initiated the idea and/or plans for the workshop? If the woman did, then it's just another way she's doing all the fixing.
Why All the Fixing?
Why do women feel compelled to fix their relationships? The self- help industry. Well, that and women were born for relationships. Women talk, feel, share, nurture, and listen more than men; all the perfect ingredients of a relationship. Women are defined by their relationships. If the relationships in their life are going well, then they feel successful, happy, and worthwhile. If things are going wrong, we are the women for the job.
Popular women, like Dr. Laura Schlesinger, boast book titles like 'Woman Power: Transform Your Man, Your Marriage, Your Life' or 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands'. The pressure is all on women to make the first move to fix the relationship. This sends a subconscious message to a woman that she is not good enough for her man to make the first move.
Take care of him and he will take care of you, but does this work with men? I would argue, no, because women are givers by nature and men are not. Men are providers and protectors, and most think if they're doing that, the woman should be happy.
Before you break out the tools, ask yourself, if things don't change, is this a relationship I want to be in forever? This question involves you only, and not fixing the other person, yourself, or the marriage. You can either accept things the way they are or you can drive yourself nuts trying to fix what isn't broken (at least form the man's point of view). If it's really broken, it's probably too far gone to fix and sadly many women continue on the road of fixing, only procrastinating the inevitable end. The wrong mentality to have is 'it's easier to fix the relationship than to leave it', but that is not solving a problem, it is masking it and living in denial.
Mr. Fix-It: Men and Fixing
The man's point of view on women's fixing: Do the things that need fixing really need fixing; some things yes, and most other things, no.You will always answer yes if you are either determined to make your relationship perfect or you browse the relationship, love, and self-help aisles of the book store too often. We find a flaw in the relationship so we seek a book that conveniently informs us about other possible flaws- now we're psychological self-help relationship sleuths.
Men are simple creatures; this is a good thing when it somes to the Miss Fix-It syndrome and women can learn a thing or two from them(jeez, I can't believe I just admitted that). Men aren't worrying themselves about fixing a relationship with us; they either accept us and the relationship or they don't. This perspective would also save many women the trouble of picking the wrong gentleman to marry in the first place, because she thought the famous phrase: ' I can fix that (him)' or 'he'll change', really meaning 'I'll change him'. Most of the problems men have with women is she wants to change him all the time.
Men also feel as if they're being treated like children when women try to fix them or the relationship. Women, don't waste your energy. Don't even waste the energy trying to get your man to see what he needs to fix. I have to agree with Dr. Phil on this one; you can't fix someone (or a relationship) if the other person doesn't acknowledge the problem. You can overcome that hurdle then maybe change will happen.
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