- Gender and Relationships»
- Relationship Problems & Advice
It's a Rocky Road to Travel
Mileposts along the road of life.
But, Hey; We've Got To Travel it Anyway
This for all you broken hearted folks who wanted the very best in another kindred soul, only to wind up “ship-wrecked” on the shoals of life. You are not alone; for my best half and I have sailed the storms too and have weathered them, arriving on the other side into the calm and deeper love. Beginnings are sometimes rough and the middle even rougher. Remember those heady first days when first caught up in the powerful surge of bliss in the company or a kindred spirit. It would be nice if that could flow on from that point, but we often get in one another's way and even trip ourselves. My partner and I have been riding the storm of life for 30 years and are closer now than ever despite problems coming from every conceivable direction. How did we do it? Along the way, we both learned some ground rules that work, at least for us. Here are some ideas that will be developed later and we say this from experience!
Give your other space, time to be alone, to meditate, think, work things out, etc.
Just because you are together does not mean you go blind: Control that jealousy!
Respect individual interests to the point of developing that interest too and identify a common center. For heterosexuals this often translates into children. Whatever it is, take it with all due seriousness and run with it together.
Truth and nothing but, even if it means that you have discovered a new attraction
Money must not become number one in any relationship. It is only one of many means.
Encourage one another, even in failure. We can learn from mistakes and must be brave enough to take the plunge.
Nobody is perfect: We all make mistakes and we need to forgive genuine errors and admit when we are wrong.
Despite rumours of intuition, few people are actually mind readers
Ego dominance can chill an otherwise good relationship. Don't make them over.
We all have a past that has influenced us, some to a greater extent than others
No one is in reality what we imagine them to be. Be open to the unexpected.
Give and take constructive criticism.
Recognize the source of a problem and deal with it at that place. An example is don't bring the bosses negative attitude home and project it on your partner and family.
You do not need the sanction of the state, the church or any other peer to approve of a natural loving relationship.
Expect the unexpected and be ready to support the other no matter what.
Live like today is the last day of your life and you want to leave on the best terms.
Let the strength of one support the other where they are weak and visa versa.
Act as a united front.
We all need time to be together with just the two of us in private, time to be totally alone in private and time for the group. Learning to interact with one another and adapt with the moods of both is a good step for the maintenance and enhancement of the relationship. Each must cut some slack for the other. In an age of alienation and atomization, this becomes more important than ever. No good relationship can exist on a short leash; save that for the energetic dog!
We are all born more or less with a full set of senses that do not stop at the moment of “matrimony” or partnership. Also, we all continue to interact with the world, such as jobs, shopping, recreation, creativity and a host of other ways where we will be interacting with others outside of the partnership. It is virtually guaranteed that both of you, often not simultaneously, will run into someone with whom you will have a “love on first sight” or develop a crush, or that a third party will feel the same to one or the other in the partnership. Here is where ongoing honesty plays a pivotal role. Be totally open and honest with each other when this occurs on an ongoing basis. This can actually become a lot of fun for the two of you and highly entertaining. Also be honest with the third party no matter which direction the current is flowing.
Everyone has some kind of interest, be it art, music, sports, physical culture, reading, writing, or some other interest. So the two of you have different interests. Great! What a wonderful learning opportunity for the both of you! If you really love your partner, you want to be interested in what they are and visa versa. In my case, I was not a blues or R&B fan per-se, but I am now! On my partners side, he developed an interest in high science. Now he can boggle my mind with perplexing questions complete with answers. We are both artists and appreciators of the occult. So we got a head start. We reached a stage where we can integrate our creative efforts into a unified whole. You definitely need to explore the unknown.
Swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth. Both must commit to this. Nothing destroys trust like an exposed lie. Sometimes there is an overpowering urge to lie, but avoid it like the plague. Among the worst culprits that engenders the lie is questions of money.
Have something you can both get behind, whether some cause like LGBT rights, the environment, social issues, the kids, a hobby, but not money. As far as relating to another, if it's because of the “sugar daddy” or “sugar mama” complex, it is doomed to failure. When the money goes; and it most certainly will, then so does the relationship. Let's face it! Money is one of those things that no matter how much you have, it still is not enough. It is highly addictive and you need to consider alternatives. What if money ended in an hour and there was no such thing any more? What would you do if that was the center of the relationship? If on the other hand the relationship is first, when the money goes, the relationship will not follow. Money is only a means of exchange and their are always alternatives. Therefore, money should be second or even lower on the priorities list.
Life is always a challenge, especially in areas where we are ignorant. The possibility of failure is therefore high. Encourage one another, even in failure, for in a competitive world, most will fail to make any kind of impression. Given that most of us end up playing only a supportive role in the context of the greater society, that means the most important success you may ever achieve, is a decent interaction with your significant other.
This if followed with the realization that no one is perfect in a relative world. We can be relatively perfect in some ways but never absolutely perfect in all ways. Two points of view can increase your odds, especially when both analyze a given situation and reach a consensus. Due to imperfection, we need to avoid the blaming game. If something goes wrong, and its a virtual guarantee that it will at some point, try to figure out what went wrong, how it can be corrected, or accept the situation if it cannot. Some times we can get caught up in perfectionism. Even here we can aspire to some height, but be ready if you fall short of the goal. There will be a next time where advances can be made over false starts. There are some areas where progress can only be made through trial and error. Even the best science rests squarely on primitive roots.
Some people have good intuition, but that's not you or I. Therefore we have to be frank, open and direct with one another and not have a guessing game unless it for pure fun like charades or trivial pursuit.
Artists, musicians and other creative types often come with a big ego. Perhaps owing to accolades, they got used to virtual worship at an early age. But in a situation of equals, such as in a close relationship, either get in the habit of praising the other or put aside self improtance.
Here is one of the most difficult areas of life and that is the past that influence the present and often fates the future. Every one of us has a history and for many of us, it is decidedly unpleasant. There are a multitude of histories that we cannot even begin to address here. This is something the two of you are going to have to face one to one. Two minds working on the same issue are more likely to solve it objectively than one mind trapped in subjective mode. There is a great deal of information available today that is readily accessed that can address any conceivable situation, whether it is an illness, a psychological problem, financial, family, criminal charges, refugee or just about anything else. Watch out for money making scams promising the world for a mint and delivering nothing.
When you first met, you might both have had ideas of what the other was or what you would like them to be. This however is not the case. You are in for a surprise and disappointment if there is a failure by the significant other to live up to this ideal. You will have to accept what is given, the entire package, no matter what. Learn to appreciate the real, which will turn out to be better than any fantasy in the end.
No one likes to be criticized and so we should measure our criticism accordingly. Always personalize it as a form of identity so that it is not so harsh to the significant other. If criticism can be directed to constructive purposes, it is good. Destructive criticism only destroys relationships. With every criticism you mere, you should be prepared to receive in areas where you need it. Under no circumstance should a change that you would like to see in your significant other be bullied. Bullying cannot coexist with love and tolerance, nor can any other form of coercion and intimidation. There is more than enough of this to deal with in the external society and world. If you like to intimidate, join the army of police.
Problems abound in the world. They are also found at home. You can more effectively deal with home problems if you leave the problems of the world outside the home. If your boss aggravates you, don't fall into the trap of the pecking order where the man abuses the spouse, the spouse then abuses the children if any and they in turn abuse the pet and so on down the pecking order.
If you truly love one another, you don't need the sanction of anyone else, regardless of how important they declare themselves. Yes we all like affirmations, but who better to do that than to one another in the relationship on a daily basis.
Everything was going just great and then the earthquake hit and took everything except each other! Life is full of surprises! Make yourself into the best one. No; you don't need a ton of money, but you do need to be genuine to each other. Even in the most shattering of experiences, like that earthquake neither of you expected, you still have one another and need more than ever to be supportive.
We all die; yes it's true. What then must we do? Live today like there is no tomorrow and with the attitude that you want to be your very best, leaving everyone that it's possible to, on good terms. Where possible, be on ongoing good terms with others, but especially with your significant other.
Each and every one of us have our strengths and weaknesses. Where the partner is weak, we are to be supportive and admit to where you are weak so the partner can support you. In this way there is a constant giving and receiving harmony. Develop this into a flow and you can almost become one person with the strengths of both.
And here then is the final point. Live as a united front! Though the world turns against the two of you and you become isolated from even those who you thought would be there for you, stick together. You will overcome all opposition together and someday even be acknowledged as heroes even if just for each other. My better half; Will; and myself have been through many trials together over the last thirty years and we are closer now than ever. Once we were not so harmonious, but we learned and grew together to become a focus of strength in one another. We wish this for all of you, which is why we responded. In this manner, we can take one step to a better world by being better to one another. Paradise is not so much found as it is made. Be the best you can be to one another and best of friends. It has taken the two of us thirty years to reach this point and we are moving forward still. Even now, we admit that we do not have all the answers and invite your insights in the commentary section.