Journey For the Broken Hearted
Today would mark three years ago when I ended my last relationship. Three years ago, I entered into a relationship with a close friend that I had feelings for at least two years prior to. From the moment that I opened my mouth to say those words that I liked him to other friends should have been the beginning of the downfall in many ways. First I told two other friends and at that time they had also mentioned that they had feelings for him as well. From then on it seemed like we had become secretive and not let each other know what was going on which is the first of many problems.
The second. beginning that from the day that I decided to let them fight it out over him, he decided to cling to me more and more until I gave in which is one of the biggest mistakes in my life. To my extreme confusion one of them had attacked me saying things that I had never said or would ever begin to think of her. Needless to say, it damaged our friendship for a few months. But it drove me insane to think that she would believe those things, after being friends for at least another three years before all of this, and still be able to be so close to someone whom I had begun to date and he with her.
But after only two months of dating we decided to end it. I could never fully get into because of the way it started but we had other more important issues such as graduation. We were forced with deciding how to make a relationship work when one of us wanted to move out of state and the other wanted to stay here to go to a school closer by where we already lived, on the same campus that we met in a pre college program. All of that was nothing compared to the obstacles that were soon to come.
Afterwards, we had decided to remain friends, which by the way is a horrible mistake especially under the following circumstances. He would come back to me occasionally saying that he wanted me and wanted to make efforts of being something more than that and then would turn his back and go after other friends. Eventually this led to the biggest fights I had ever known at the time. I am usually not a person to be angered and fight others on much of anything but that swiftly changed when after all the leading on he did, he tried to blame it on me by saying that I was still hurt over the break up.
I know reading this may still seem that way but I honestly look back on it and happily feel nothing except upset for feeling so hurt for so long. For putting up a barrier around my heart that has kept me so far into myself that the idea of going on a simple lunch date with a guy would make me have a panic attack. I also know that I am not the same person I was three years ago. I do not even feel like the same person I was a year ago.
I am writing this incredibly earlier in the day but whatever happens today, I am going to try to keep this feeling I have right now, feeling free. Free from the pain that, not only he, but recently other men have tried to inflict on me. I know these are but a few shades of men cause I am still surrounded and constantly shown that there are a few good ones out in the world. I hope this day will be the beginning of renewal.