Just How Wrong Is It To Lie To The DMV About Your Weight?
Back When The DMV Said I Was A Woman!
Just How Wrong Is It To Lie About Your Weight To The DMV? - Don't Get Me Started!
As anyone who has ever read my blog (or met me knows) the DMV had me classified as a woman on my driver's license for over three years (true it took me that long to notice it - don't ask) but when I recently had to go to renew my license, I was faced with a new dilemma. Just how wrong is it to lie about your weight to the DMV? - Don't Get Me Started!
I got to the DMV and you can just imagine what it's like here with all the people moving to Vegas, the lines were enormous. So I waited in line to wait in a chair until they called my number. Once my number came up, I went to the woman at the appropriately numbered desk and immediately I started my shtick. Okay, if you didn't read about my ordeal with DMV and how they wouldn't change the "F" to an "M" you should probably read that now to appreciate this latest entry. (Read that blog here at... http://dontstartscott.blogspot.com/2005/04/dmv-is-convinced-im-woman-dont-get-me.html ) And we're back. Okay so the minute I get to the desk of the woman who will be issuing my license, I start to do the whole, self-deprecating and whatever it takes to bring a smile to her face shtick. I do this for two reasons, 1) is because I can only imagine how many assholes you deal with all day at the DMV and 2) because after my last ordeal, I can't afford to not have them "on my side" at any cost.
I forget what we laughed about but it was something so mission accomplished. And so it came to taking the eye test. Now I recently was given glasses to wear for night driving. (Armani frames, but of course) so I had them with me but like most people my age who start needing assistance from things like glasses it's not something I'm thrilled about so I figured I'd try to make it without the glasses and just see what happened. Well, my sight can't be too bad because I passed that portion of the test. (I don't know why these victories seem so big but they do to us old folk.)
And as the woman looked at my old driver's license she asked the question "Has any of your information changed?" And then she went for the jugular, "Address? Weight?" Now I had recently been weighed at the doctor and okay, I'm the fattest I've ever been in my life. I'm 153 pounds and I'm miserable. The weight on the old license said 135 (I have news for everyone, I wasn't 135 when I got that license...I can't remember how much I weighed but I know it wasn't 135) and while I knew I couldn't lie my way into 135, especially as Wanda behind the desk was looking me up and down as if she worked as a Carny in her early days and could guess my weight within three pounds so she didn't have to give me the stuffed Bugs Bunny, I couldn't quite bring myself to be the 153 I know that I am. Plus (I reasoned immediately with myself) if I go puke on my way to the photo taking place I'm sure I could get myself down to 151 at least. Well, even that didn't seem like a weight I wanted to be so with great ease I said, "Well, I've gained ten pounds since that license." Not really a lie, because I have gained ten pounds...and then some. And with three strokes of the keys, I became 145. I figured it was okay to use this as the weight because I've been 145 as recently as last year so I know that I can be it again. It's not like after Scarlett has the baby in Gone With The Wind and Mammy is doing up her corset and Scarlett says about her waist, "Mammy, you've just got to make it 18 ½ again." And Mammy wisely says, "You done had a baby Miss Scarlett, you ain't never gonna be no 18 ½ again." Ooh what I wouldn't give for a corset right now, I know I haven't had a baby and was never 18 ½ around my waist but maybe I could get to at least a 30 inch waist again?
Wanda made the change to my license (although I know she knows I was lying about the weight) and as she gave it to me to look over I looked first to make sure that I was listed as the correct sex and then at the weight. Yup, I had become 145 pounds in an instant. And so I had my photo taken (an awful photo and don't think for one minute that when I get down to 145 or 140 I'm not going back there for a replacement license, I don't care if I have to wait on line for a week, it will be worth it). When the girl behind the counter handed me my new license, she was looking at the picture. Now I'm like most people I think in that I do what I can in the morning to make myself look presentable from the neck up and I don't do a full body scan so for the most part I can trick myself into thinking I look okay but in the harsh lighting and camera of the DMV, I was truly frightened by the image that was before me. They say a picture is worth a thousand words but this looked as though I had eaten 2,000 and was going back again like an all you can eat buffet. But that's okay, I'll lose the weight whether I have Mammy behind me pulling on the corset strings or not. But the real question is; just how wrong is it to lie about your weight to the DMV? - Don't Get Me Started!
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- Some Like It Scott!
An acquired taste, like Tab cola, Some Like It Scott is one gay man's experiences with love, life and things that make him crazy, all done to a musical theatre soundtrack.