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Kate Middleton's Royal Workout

Updated on December 8, 2010
Probably the last time you'll ever see Kate Middleton with a plastic bag.
Probably the last time you'll ever see Kate Middleton with a plastic bag.

Ever wondered what it would take to marry a Prince? According to creepy information released by people who may or may not be making it all up anyway, Kate Middleton has a rigorous rowing based fitness regime which burns up to 500 calories an hour. Hurrah!

People who care about those sorts of things also comment that although Kate will be skiing with Wills, (another 2000 calories right there – that's great isn't it, we wouldn't want the newest Royal canary to be chubby, would we?) care will be taken to ensure that we never see her with a hair out of place. She will receive blow dries and manicures before being allowed out into the world.

Both the royal bride and groom will also probably have submitted to chemical whitening procedures, in case anybody should think that the royals are anything less than utterly perfect in every way.

With all the envy directed at Kate right now, it might be nice to take a step back and just realize that the world this poor woman is stepping into is a world of such intense scrutiny that it drives women mad. The more they are adored, the more they must work to live up to expectations. So although it might seem that Kate is now occupying a position that millions of women think they'd give their right leg to be in, this woman will never causally step outside again to get the mail, or just pop down to the shops for some milk, or relax with friends in a casual cafe.

Kate is going to spend the rest of her royal days worrying about one thing: what other people think about her. If she refuses to live up to the expectations put on her, she'll get the same treatment Sarah Fergusson did when she let herself go: she'll become an international object of mockery and her every pound will be agonized over by a predatory press.

This exercise regime isn't something she'll be doing to get in shape for the wedding, it will be a new way of life... a life dedicating to upholding traditions that are barely relevant in the modern world and fending off inevitable rumors about her diet, lifestyle, fidelity and probably the state of her stool, if the world has anything to do with it.

Poor Kate.

But what's really amusing, is that in spite of the fact that Kate's life will probably now resemble that of a rare monkey at one of the better zoos, people will continue to envy her. Le irony!

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