- Gender and Relationships
Keeping A Relationship Successful—a Man's perspective
Love—successful love—lasting love—takes two people. So often we look at couples who are happy and wonder what their secret is—how is their relationship is working—when you see and experience many unsuccessful or failed ones?
It can be easy to get discouraged when you continue to have relationships after relationships that either don't get to the next level or fail. Are they failing due to something you are saying or possibly doing? Or maybe it's just you—you're not good enough to be loved. Stop! That is not true. When it comes down to it, it's the type of men who you are attracting—emotionally unavailable and emotionally immature.
First know that you are worthy of being loved, however, you must believe that with your entire heart and soul. Second, rushing the processes of love can be a disastrous situation. Don't be afraid to take the proper time getting to know a guy. As women, we often times start freaking out about our age as we get older, the fact that our siblings or friends are in relationships or getting married—and having babies—that we start to believe we should be on this exact same path. Get out of your head. The only path you are meant to be on is your own.
Even if you really want children know that a quick marriage can tend to lead to an even quicker divorce. Do you really want to be a single mom, with a messy divorce and having to deal with stressful custody issues? I wouldn't. Many women who really want children are doing it on their own—that's why there are sperm banks, adoption options and fertility clinics. Yes marriage before a baby is ideal, however in this day and age it's not the only option nor imperative. Personally, I would never marry a man just because I want a child. Relationships are already challenging without adding a kid to the mix of a dysfunctional relationship.
Keeping a relationship successful takes work. If you're not willing to put in the work then why be in a relationship? And if only one person is doing most of work—feeling unappreciated can enter in. This feeling can cause fights, people to cheat, or break-ups to occur. Yikes! So what type of work needs to be done to keep a relationship successful?
Since love is a two way street and what ultimately makes a relationship work—successfully—actually has to do with the union of what both people think and feel. In other words, it's not all about what you want ladies...sorry. I have so many girlfriends who have amazing loving relationships and it also has to do with having a wonderful man by their side. Don't get me wrong, having a successful relationship doesn't mean that my friends never fight with their significant others or spouses, or that they are happy twenty four seven. What it does mean is that they both work together, love together and validate each others feelings—even when they don't agree.
When it comes to having—and wanting—a successful relationship it can be easy for women to spew out all the things we think we need and exactly what works....but a man also has a big part to do with the success of a relationship.
Well ladies, I have asked various men who are either in successful relationships or marriages as to what has made their relationship successful and this is what they have said:
Top 29 successful relationship hints from a male’s perspective:
1. A relationship is 100% from each party not 50-50. 50-50 is how you split things during a divorce.
2. GOD and Faith. A solid relationship must have these two factors first—in order to have a solid foundation.
3. Discuss money values; do not let it destruct a good relationship.
4. Both people involved in a relationship need and must know what they want out of a relationship.
5. After knowing what you want each person must verbalize what they want to each other.
6. Communication is key; no matter how insignificant it sounds it is still a key component.
7. There are no wrong questions, so ask away or you will not know the real person.
8. YOU MUST PUT ALL PAST RELATIONSHIPS IN THE PAST.
9. Good men are a dime a dozen, great men or great relationships are worth their weight in gold.
10. Choose your words well as they can be weapons for both sides of the relationship. Again, Never bring up the past as it is the past.
11. Give the benefit of the doubt before judging and jumping to irrational conclusion.
12. You must be comfortable with YOU, before you can ever be comfortable with another person.
13. Compromise is a must whether it be work, the car we want or the (so called perfect) companion/relationship.
14. Both people Must be open and willing to give up things.
15. Be your partner’s advocate. Championing each other’s career and personal goals—talk through them together.
16. Both parties in a good relationship need not worry/depend about what the other parties friends thinks whether it be good, bad or different.
17. BE A GOOD LISTENER AS WELL AS TALKER—you must be able to interrupt the long winded person without fearing prosecution.
18. Make sure both goals are the same at the end of the story—make monthly goals.
19. The relationship MUST be better out of the bedroom than it is in the bedroom. If the relationship is strong the bedroom will take care of itself.
20. Be willing to give as much as you get.
21. Plan date nights and trips together.
22. Never reject spontaneity it keeps things fresh. It needs to go both ways.
23. Tread lightly on people’s dreams.
24. Both sides need to be able to give and receive complements.
25. Love requires sacrifice from both people.
26. Be Realistic—realize that not every relationship is perfect and the grass isn't always greener. If you can find 2-3 key qualities in one person hang on to that shit!
27. Patience, everything worth having takes time.
28. Remembering that intimacy is multi-dimensional. The sexual component is important but making time to connect is equally so.
29. Be open to talking about everything—with a family, so much of weekday talk is checklist-related (parent-teacher conferences, doctor appointments, practice times, paying bills, etc.). Taking the time to really talk is paramount.
Communication—talking—was the biggest component that all these men emphasized. Yes, many men aren't great communicators, however there plenty of men who are. Often it's about understanding each others communication style—most men shut down listening or caring if nitpicking and yelling is involved—as well as if their love language is ignored (5 Love Languages by Gary D Chapman). Remember ladies no one is perfect, however that also doesn't mean that you ignore obvious Red Flags to any component to a basic relationship: no guy should talk to you disrespectfully, emotionally or mentally abuse you—Period!
There were two other important factors that one of my married guy friends also shared that really resonated with me:
1. Not everything is a big deal. Scale issues so that important topics are always talked about and small things go unmentioned. If something is hurtful or disrespectful, address it immediately. If something is annoying, really think about how important it is to communicate that to your partner. Don’t nitpick or you will grow to resent one another.
2. Be the best part of each others day (I love that). Sounds simple but the people closest to us can get the worst of us after a long, hard day. Decompress on the way home, even talk about the shit day you had with your partner and then let it go. Don’t make someone your punching bag and remember that complaining or sulking for hours is taxing for your partner and if it becomes a daily thing, it’s really unattractive.
Ladies, know that there are so many amazing men out there...and I know that my closest girlfriend—as well as yours, didn't find them all. Be hopeful. Put the energy out to the Universe and/or God and you will find a great guy who respects you, values you and wants to put forth the effort to be with you and only you and he will come. You deserve to be with a man who wants to keep a relationship successful with you versus tearing it apart. Don't give up and go find your own unique love story!
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