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Ladies, Listen Up! You Do Not Have To Settle For "Watered Down" Love

Updated on May 18, 2017
Lovers in love.
Lovers in love.

I could sum this whole article up in one sentence: If he doesn’t think you are the most desirable, talented and wonderful woman he has ever met, then you don't need him. The long and short of it is that anything less is "watered down love." The last thing you need in your life is someone who has a take-it-or-leave-it attitude toward you. In no way, shape, or form is this acceptable. And for those of you who have had the same boyfriend for five years, the one who keeps hemming and hawing about why it isn’t the right time to make a commitment, I am telling you right now that is time for you to MOVE ON. Actually, you should have packed your bags three or four years ago. In fact, research tells us that men know they’re falling in love with a woman after just THREE dates!

The male psyche demands that he have strong feelings for a woman if he is going to remain faithful to her. Men are geared toward action; consequently, his passion must be expressed in one way or another---and you, as a woman, need his active expression of love and sincere passion in order to feel secure about his fidelity. The truth is that if he isn't "head over heels" in love with a woman, he will find it very easy to stray.

So the bottom line is this: If he hasn't decided whether he is in love with you after one year or so of dating (usually much less than that), then you are probably wasting your time. I'm not suggesting that women should strong-arm men to the altar. Obviously, it takes time to know one another. However, if he still indifferent or unsure about making a lasting commitment to you after a year or more, then he is likely to remain uncommitted.

If you are cohabitating, it may very well be that packing up and leaving may be just the action he needs to help him decide if he really does love you. Otherwise, you can bet your bottom dollar that once the relationship gets a little rocky, too boring, or less than convenient, your guy will find an excuse to cheat or to find someone to replace you. On the other hand, if he is so crazy about you that he can barely see straight, then rest assured, you’ve found yourself a keeper for life. He will be yours and yours alone.

Ladies, if he doesn’t have eyes for you and you alone, then you may as well throw in the towel right now. Naturally, I am not suggesting that your man be required to act as if he has been struck blind if a beautiful woman happens to walk past him. Let's face it, even the most conscientious woman will most certainly look out of the corner of her eye if she spots a gorgeous man in the vicinity. Men look at other women. He just has to be discreet. After all, everyone appreciates physical beauty. On the other hand, if his eyes are following another woman’s every move, there's a problem.

Trying to be discreet.
Trying to be discreet.

A 2002 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, during which surveyed lawyers claimed that "an obsessive interest in Internet pornography" was a significant factor in 56 percent of their divorce cases the prior year.

National Review: Getting Serious On Pornography, March 31, 2010

While we’re on the subject of men staring at women, it is imperative to make something perfectly clear: If your boyfriend or someone you just started dating is deliberately viewing pornography on a regular basis, even though he’s got a beautiful woman, namely you, right by his side, then you need to consider this a deal breaker. Period! No woman should have to put up with pornography. If she does, she is disrespecting herself just as he is disrespecting her. The statistics are out there. Porn acts like a drug and it is destructive to relationships.

On the other hand, when a man adores you, he will happily give you his devotion and protection. He will maintain a strong sense of responsibility toward the relationship. He will respect you. Once in love, he develops an emotional resilience to work through the difficult times which naturally occur in even the healthiest of relationships. He loves you and wants you too badly to not put forth his best effort.

He will fight for your love even if there are times when "abandoning ship" might seem a whole lot easier. He remains determined because his feelings run deep. When a man feels that way, there is just no end to the things he will do to make you happy. If you meet a man like that and you don't let him know how much you appreciate him, then you are making a big mistake. Good men deserve our respect.

Getting down on one knee.
Getting down on one knee.

Ladies, you deserve nothing less than his exclusive devotion. When he looks at you with that look of longing, know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you've got an honest, genuine love on your hands. If he thinks you "walk on water," you're a fool if you don't grab him and keep him. If he is willing to share his dreams with you and talk openly about his feelings with you, then just know you've got yourself a keeper---one who will be there for you even when the going gets rough. As long as you are being your most authentic self, you have every reason to believe you will never have to settle for insipid, watered down love.

Also, it is important for women to keep in mind that men still want a woman they can introduce to their family, who will challenge him now and again and who is a passionate lover. Furthermore, he is also seeking to marry the woman who will one day be the mother of his future children, whether you create them together, adopt, or enter into a blended relationship where the children are already present. When you think about it, his wish list isn’t much different from yours. He doesn’t want to settle either, so why should you?

True love still exists. When a man falls in love, he almost always falls hard and fast. That means you don’t have to wait around forever to figure out if he loves you. Most men are pretty transparent in this regard. If he feels strongly about you, you’re going to know about it fairly soon.

However, if you are still trying to figure out whether he truly cares for you two years down the road, then you’ve wasted too much time. But take heart. There are still men out there who want genuine, crazy, romantic love, just the same as you. In truth ladies, if you really want to attract romance, then you must make the decision to believe that true love is a real possibility. Make no mistake about it---if he loves you, he will show you. You won't be kept wondering!

Happy loving.....Savvy

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    • profile image

      lovedoctor926 3 years ago

      voted up awesome & very useful too. thank you.

    • profile image

      lovedoctor926 3 years ago

      How about a guy who you have just started dating and is a bit too overfriendly with women. No flirting, just initiates conversation with women either in the elevator, pool, restaurants or pretty much anywhere. Should this be a deal breaker?

    • savvydating profile image
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      savvydating 3 years ago

      Hi Lovedoctor926. At this juncture, I would say this is not necessarily a deal breaker, ONLY because when you first begin dating, you don't really know the person. However, I do think this raises a definite "pink flag." Having said that, I also know that this kind of thing would get on my nerves - really fast. So, I would just ask him about it. Just say something like, " I've noticed you seem to enjoy striking up conversations with a lot of women when we're together. That's not something I would do, out of respect for you. Can you tell me why.you do it?" If he seems genuinely surprised, then it's possible he's just a very, very friendly guy, in which case you can let him know that you don't like what he's doing. But, if he gets defensive or blames you for being too sensitive, then I would walk away - immediately.. Frankly, our dates don't have any business striking up conversations with every woman they come in contact with. Their supposed to be having a conversation with their dates, not every woman who crosses their path. Finally, on a more "sinister" note, he might be trying to figure out what he can get away with. In a scenario like this, in almost all cases, the guy is just a jerk who craves too much attention from women.

      Thank you for the votes and for dropping by! It's always nice to hear from you. Also, feel free to ask any questions that may be on your mind.

    • profile image

      lovedoctor926 3 years ago

      Hi savvydating, thanks for your reply. I like this approach of asking him upfront. He has invited me out before. I've known him for several years; however, he has too much baggage from his previous marriage, which is why I don't take him too seriously. He says he likes me and enjoys my company, but that's as far as it goes. I don't think I'm going to see him again because I was sort of turned off by his behavior last time we saw each other which was Fourth of July weekend. Thank you for your valuable advice. It's nice to hear from you as well. I appreciate your advice. Doc

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 3 years ago

      Very interesting!

      I agree with you that if someone has been dating a person for 6-9 months and they aren't sure how that person (feels) about them then it probably means they're not "into you" all that much. However I'd say this not necessarily a "bad thing" if you don't consider them to be "Mr./Ms. Right" anyway. Not everyone we date should be with the goal in mind of settling down or getting married. This is especially true if someone is in their late teens, still in college, and have not figured out who they themselves are.

      As for the statement: 'If he doesn’t worship the ground you walk on, you don’t need him." Odds are the older and more experienced a man is he is not likely to "worship the ground" anyone walks on. With maturity comes wisdom. If there is not a (mutual) depth of love and desire for one another then it's probably not a great match. Also I believe the older we become the more we value communication over "guessing". Most men of a certain age will make it no secret if they have no desire to get married. (ala) George Clooney.

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse. Therefore I don't believe in the notion of "settling". You are always with the person (you) chose to be with. Now if one is unhappy with their relationship mate choices they can learn to make better ones. Both women and men need to stop pointing the finger at one another and take responsibility for their happiness and (choices). It's your life! Take the wheel! One man's opinion! :-)

    • savvydating profile image
      Author

      savvydating 3 years ago

      Hi lovedoctor, It sounds like you don't like him all that much anyway, so it's probably best to move on. However, after I hit "Send" I thought of one other thing. I once dated a guy who was very loving, but also quite a chatty Cathy. Seriously. He just loved to talk and he was very friendly - with everyone. So in his case, there was nothing weird going on. He was just being himself and it didn't bug me. The point I am trying to make is that I wouldn't want you to assume the worst. Fact is, some guys are super friendly, they love to chat, and it all ends there. But if you have a weird feeling in your gut, that's a different story, as you well know. -Savvy

    • profile image

      lovedoctor926 3 years ago

      savvydating, I trust your judgment. This is good to know about the guy you once dated. I really like this hub and will come back to read again. Thanks for sharing your knowledge and wisdom with the rest of us:) Doc

    • savvydating profile image
      Author

      savvydating 3 years ago

      Hi dashingscorpio. All quite valid points you've made, especially about taking responsibility. Having said that, women think a bit differently in that we need to feel adored. And although some older men are not as expressive as young men, my experience is that they are passionate all the same. I had to laugh at the George Clooney thing. I remember about 20 years ago, GC had stated on television that he would never get married. I believed him because I know that if a man says he doesn't want to get married, then he means it. And any woman who thinks she can change a man's mind about marriage has got an unpleasant surprise in store for herself.

      Thank you for reading. It's always good to get a male perspective! The better men and women understand one another, the sooner we can move together in positive ways.

    • rose-the planner profile image

      rose-the planner 3 years ago from Toronto, Ontario-Canada

      This is an awesome article and had me totally interested from start to finish! First and foremost, I couldn't agree with you more. If you are with someone for a few years (maximum 4 or 5), and he is still not willing to commit then kick him to the curb because he is not into you. Women have to be realistic! A guy knows when you are the one and he will stop at nothing to make sure that you know that. Some women, and I know a few, will disagree and say that's not true because I was with my boyfriend 10 years and we got married. Well, I apologize and perhaps he realized you were the one, or, someone better never came along, (two ways of looking at it). I knew of a couple that were together 5 years before he was forced to commit to her and several years later it ended. On the flip side of the coin, there are some men that don't know what they have until they lose it and live a lifetime of regret. Women need to know how wonderful they really are and that a man that truly loves you and wants you will do anything to make certain they never lose you. Never sell yourself short because you are worth it! Wow......................that was a mouthful, lol! Thanks for sharing savvydating! (Voted Up) -Rose

    • profile image

      SandCastles 3 years ago

      Good Hub! Don't settle for a jerk. I wrote a little poem about it:

      Lady, I know that night is long and you can't fall asleep,

      and I know you long for love, a love sincere and sweet,

      But dear lady, his hands are razor blades that slice you piece by piece.

      If the man acts like you are not important, why bother with him? What makes him so special? Some people expect you to jump through hoops and all they have to do is show up and breathe.

    • savvydating profile image
      Author

      savvydating 3 years ago

      Hi Sandcastles,

      As Oscar Wilde said, “Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary.” That will be my motto until the day I die!

      I liked your sweet poem. It was so thoughtful of you to share it with all of us. Thank you for that. Keep in mind that there are still some good men out there, but for sure - when a man treats a woman badly, then she has the responsibility to let him go! Thank you for your comments. I feel as though you've always been a consistent friend. :)

      Hi Rose,

      I decided to revise my former comment. You are so right in saying that women have to be realistic! I loved that you said a mouthful, because everything you stated was true. The good news is that men actually make it pretty easy, in my opinion, for women to know what they are feeling. Their actions tell all. So, if a woman doesn't like how he is treating her, she has an obligation to move on and not look back. You hit the nail on the head in saying that a woman "should never sell herself short."

      Also, I wanted to mention that you have always posted such truly thoughtful comments, and this has never gone unnoticed by me. Truthfully, you're a special person and I'm happy that you are a part of Hubpages. I just wanted to acknowledge that.

      Also, thank you very much for the vote up and for all of the insightful comments you have posted throughout your time on this site.

    • rose-the planner profile image

      rose-the planner 3 years ago from Toronto, Ontario-Canada

      Awwwwwww...............why thank you savvydating! It is so nice of you to say such kind words. Well, you are a pretty special person yourself and I genuinely appreciate your amazing work here on HubPages. Take care and have a fabulous day! -Rose

    • retromellie profile image

      retromellie 3 years ago from Australia

      just what I needed to hear! thanks for writing :)

    • savvydating profile image
      Author

      savvydating 3 years ago

      You bet, retromellie! I'm here to help. -Savvy

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 3 years ago from Shelton

      you really know how to engage in compelling hubs/articles... you are a professional in this craft :)

    • Express10 profile image

      H C Palting 3 years ago from East Coast

      Time and efforts wasted can turn into regrets or anger. This is a very useful and absolutely awesome hub that applies to both sexes.

    • savvydating profile image
      Author

      savvydating 3 years ago

      Hello there Express 10,

      Indeed! It is best to understand one's worth, and stick to it like glue. You can't keep riding with a broken wheel. Thank you so much for the generous compliment. By the way, I love, love your snowman picture.

    • savvydating profile image
      Author

      savvydating 3 years ago

      Why thank you so much, Frank Atanacio. With such lovely praise, I think I may have fallen in love with you, not that I have not already experienced true love with your poetry. ;)

      You are a very kind man, and I most certainly appreciate your compliment from the bottom of my heart. I am thrilled to receive praise from such a talented writer as yourself!

    • profile image

      lovedoctor926 3 years ago

      A hub worth reading. good information. I came back to revisit

    • savvydating profile image
      Author

      savvydating 3 years ago

      Hi lovedoctor926,

      You are always welcome to visit anytime. If ever you have questions, ask away. I'll be visiting your site soon. You've got some valuable information for all women! Thank you for dropping by once again. By the way, your current picture is quite nice - very professional and doctor-like. -Savvy

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Ladies, Listen Up! You Do Not Have To Settle For "Watered Down" Love sometimes one partner settles for what he got, and has not much choice after the many dates he goes for the last one hook line an sinker and he is in. I enjoyed your hub well pointed out.

    • savvydating profile image
      Author

      savvydating 3 years ago

      Well, hello! If I've gotten my point across, then I've done my job. Neither men nor women have to settle for less, especially those of us who at least try to have our "acts together." I have enjoyed all of your comments. Thank you, DDE, for dropping by again. So good to meet you.

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 3 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      You have taken on the complex challenge of the man-woman relationships. I wish you luck in your endeavors to figure out the winning combination to this age old puzzle. I snt this of to Tweet-land in hopes that more visitors will find their way to your doorstep.

    • savvydating profile image
      Author

      savvydating 3 years ago

      Are you awesome or what?? Thank you for tweeting me, mckbirdbks. Yes indeed, relationships are pretty tricky. That being said, I've actually had a lot of success in the area of dating; thus, it is my wish that others may benefit from my observations!

    • shahkar-khan profile image

      shahkar-khan 3 years ago

      Less people will say this (irrespective of gender) that they have had a "lot" of success in the area of dating. Good for you!.

      This hub is good. It explains something unconsciously felt by many but not put to paper at times. I read another hub of a nice hubber that was very explanatory on interpreting men that enter a relation just for its pros and they dropout as soon as the cons emerge.

      https://hubpages.com/relationships/addictiveperson...

    • ziyena profile image

      ziyena 3 years ago from Southern Colorado

      Amen Sista! I loved this hub article. You pin-pointed so many mistakes that women make, and boy, have I had my share! You validated much of my own experiences with the "loser" in every way, but unfortunate for me that I had no way out for a very long time. However, I eventually did find my freedom from such utter opression, and now, I am quite happy in my choice. I am the "Princessa" and know exactly what I did not have for such a long time. I hope more women read this hub and learn exactly how to handle the types of scenarios, which you so carefully lay out for them. Voting UP

    • savvydating profile image
      Author

      savvydating 3 years ago

      Princessa Ziyena. It has a nice ring to it!. Frankly, I feel the same way. My feeling is that I've got what you want, so if you don't appreciate who I am then you'd best be "moving on." I truly appreciate your stating that I laid out the scenarios carefully. Sometimes, one isn't quite sure whether or not we've drove home our message. I appreciate your visiting and for the vote up!

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 3 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I love the summation at the beginning and it is oh so true. Speaking only for me...not a representative of the male species per se....it took me two marriages to realize that I had worth and was deserving of 100% love for who I am.....treat me as an equal...love me like your tail-feathers are on fire...and I will do the same for you. Now I have Bev...and she has me....and I got my wish. :)

    • savvydating profile image
      Author

      savvydating 3 years ago

      Absolutely no question that everyone, whether male or female, deserves the real deal! We all want to be loved and appreciated, when all is said and done. However, sometimes it takes a while to figure out how to change our thinking so that we can enjoy a partnership, once and for all. Bev sounds like a truly special woman. She came along when you were ready for her. I love happy endings. Yea! Thanks for visiting, billybuc.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 3 years ago from USA

      You are so right! If he's not nuts about you to begin with, he's probably not a stayer -- through kids, illness, job changes, family crises, and all the normal stuff that dots our lives. You have to be "all in" or it won't last. I like the fire behind your message!

    • savvydating profile image
      Author

      savvydating 3 years ago

      Hi FlourishAnyway. So true. We can't spend the rest of our marriage in the honeymoon suite. After awhile, we have to face all the other stuff, and if he's crazy over you, he'll stick around. But, I'm probably preaching to the choir. Lol!

    • profile image

      Shan 2 years ago

      Hi Savvy Dating:

      I been dating my boyfriend for almost five years to be exact October 28, 2014 will actually be five years. He's 23 and I'm almost 26, I'm kinda confuse about a couple of things I'm a Virgin he claims he's a Virgin as well but during our 2 1/2 years together things/rumors were occurring that he had something going on with his co-worker but he kept saying she was just his female friend even though over Facebook he would flirt with her asking her for her number and she would give it to him. During that phase he ignored me for completely a month and a half he wouldn't answer my calls nor text messages so eventually I stopped calling him I was getting over him I was moving on. One day I got a phone call from him crying saying baby I'm sorry I didn't mean to do you like that I miss you etc etc the saying What's done in the dark shall come to the light weeks later I find out from him that the new girl who was supposed to be quote on quote a female friend he says she was "using him" Now if she just a friend like you say what in the world are she using you for. My family told me I was crazy to forgive him because all signs and red flags popped up as saying something was going on with him and that girl. Sometimes I feel like he don't really love and care for me like he say he does, Every time I try to talk about marriage and the future he will tell me I'm pressuring him but I don't feel like I'm pressuring him we almost will be together for 5 years I just want someone outside opinion on this I'm confused I wanna just walk away and forget him but I still Love him I'm tired of him treating me the way he's treating me but I didn't want to break up officially until I got a concrete sign from GOD every time I will begin to break up he cry his crocodile tears I just don't know what to do I'm wondering why he doesn't want to go ahead and get engage he actually has the ring he just will not propose to me I feel so stupid my self esteem from 1-10 is a 3. Should I move on or stick it out a little longer also I'm not good enough for his family his Mom don't think I'm good enough for her Son she feels like he can do way better than me and sometimes I feel like deep down he thinks he can do better than me he's just staying with me just in case he have no one else what do you think anyone advice on here will be highly appreciated :-(

    • savvydating profile image
      Author

      savvydating 2 years ago

      Hi Shan...Thank you for visiting. Let's break this down. Your boyfriend may have lied about being a virgin, 2) he flirted with someone on facebook and asked for her phone number, 3) he "fooled around" with this woman until she dumped him, 5) meanwhile, he ignored you and hurt you deeply, 6) then he suddenly wants you back because his ego was damaged from having been dumped by the other woman, 7) after 5 1/2 years he still won't commit.

      Long story short, he is not ready to settle down. If he says he feels pressured by you, then he is basically telling you he wants you as a convenience, but he doesn't truly want you as his wife. He's afraid of being alone and that is why he begs you to forgive him. His tears mean absolutely nothing. If he did this hurtful thing to you and failed to understand how devastating his actions were, then---in reality, he isn't good enough for YOU! Who knows? Maybe he'll have an epiphany one day about you and what it means to love...but that epiphany has not occurred as of yet.

      You absolutely need to leave him be for at least one year. Do not take any of his calls, texts or emails. Do not even be tempted to contact him--at all. Maybe after one year, he'll understand what it feels like to be left high and dry.

      You need to ultimately begin dating someone who will treat you better. Seriously, sweet lady, you don't have to settle for someone isn't crazy-in-love with you. Don't worry because you're going to be just fine in time. Right now, block his calls, texts and emails and don't think twice about refusing to speak with him. Let him know you are ending this thing, walk away and then do as I've recommended. Your job is to nurture yourself and to heal from the damage he did to your self esteem. You can do it! Best of luck. -Savvy

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 2 years ago from England

      I know some women who live with a guy who has never ever told them he loves them, then when he walks away they are really surprised! great advice savvy!

    • savvydating profile image
      Author

      savvydating 2 years ago

      That's the saddest thing, isn't it Nell Rose---staying with a man who doesn't say "I love you." How lonely that must feel. And then, watching him walk out the door. Devastating and sad. Nope. We really shouldn't settle for less because when we do, that's what happens. Thanks for sharing the story about your friend, dear Nell.

    • PegCole17 profile image

      Peg Cole 2 years ago from Dallas, Texas

      Savvydating, what you said in the last paragraph is particularly true. I've known couples who were dating or even living together for years while the woman kept hoping for the guy to pop the question. Months after their breakup he proposed to the new girlfriend. It wasn't about commitment so much as it wasn't going to happen with them.

      "If you’re still guessing whether he truly cares for you six or nine months down the road, then you’ve probably wasted too much time already." Amen to that.

    • savvydating profile image
      Author

      savvydating 2 years ago

      Hi PegCole....Yes, it happens all the time. Cohabitating is often seen by the man as a convenient way to enjoy the pleasure of a "wife" without having the financial responsibility. The truth is that men fall in love pretty quickly, and if he loves you he will expect to care for you financially---that is not to say that the woman never has to work. Thank you for visiting!

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