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Laughing to Keep from Crying - Dating in a New World

Updated on April 23, 2011

Every little girl dreams of the day she will walk down the aisle, to become Mrs. Somebody. Like any self respecting southern girl, I began my quest for something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue in my senior year of high school. Finally my Prince Charming came riding up in his white Corvette and swept me off to our wedded bliss. Armed with my diploma and a dust rag, I set out on my path of till death do us part. Thirty years later the death of our marriage caused us to part, and I found myself looking to become Mrs. Someone Else. I was single and searching, but this time I would kiss a lot of frogs before I found my Prince.

Dating after a thirty year absence from the playing field is a lot like having a root canal, you dread it, no amount of Novocaine will take away the pain and you usually find that the tooth is in much worse shape than you thought. My last dating experience consisted of cruising the local hamburger joint and hanging out at the lake when I still could and still would wear a bikini. In fact, the last time I dated, John Travolta was wearing a white leisure suit and dancing Disco. It was a pretty safe bet that the rules of the game had changed significantly. I was a lot older and hopefully a little wiser. I wanted to start slow after all experience had taught me not to settle for less than I deserved, and to pass on the Corvette driving cowboy.

My best friend Janet had been single for a number of years so I thought she might be a safe point of reference. She suggested that I begin learning to date by going to social functions where there were lots of people, and I could mingle. Now here in the south we have this nifty little club known as the VFW It is a happening place where the cowboys and the cowgirls go to dance the night away, or so I have been told. Janet and I, along with our friend Joan decided to get ourselves all gussied up for a Saturday Night Hoe Down, no pun intended. The joint was jumping as we pulled in the parking lot, and I was giddy with excitement. We entered the dimly lit venue and it took a moment for my eyes to adjust. When they did I felt as though I had entered a time machine that took me straight back to 1976. We're talking shag carpet, polyester pants and hair teased so high it could get tangled in the disco ball. There was a band playing country music and the lead singer resembled Conway Twitty, except I never saw Conway preform with a bud light in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Lucky me, he noticed me as we walked by and spent the rest of the evening standing directly in front of me with his skin tight pants that left little to the imagination and crooned sweet little love songs winking at me every now and then. Men cruised the tables looking for a dance partner and the women did everything but bare their breasts to get attention. Joan immediately hit the dance floor and we would eventually have to send out a search party to find her since she had the car keys. Janet and I sat at our table doing our best to remain inconspicuous, and just when I thought we were home free a man approached. He stood in front of me and asked me if I would like to dance, he did not have a tooth in his head. When I politely declined, he smiled what once had been a toothy grin and said “Aw come on and dance with me, I promise I won't bite” With all the strength I could muster, I kept a straight face while thanking him profusely for the invitation but again declining. We grabbed Joan in mid two-step and left in a cloud of dust. The sad part was that we drove 60 miles one way for the experience.

Obviously it was time for Plan B. One day while I was vegging out in front of the T.V. A commercial came on for a dating site that promised I could find love in cyberspace. I have never been accused of being a computer geek but I figured I had enough sense to navigate a dating site and who knows love could be just a gigabyte or two away.

Choosing a dating site from the thousands floating around in cyber space was a daunting task. There were the wham bam thank you ma’m sites promised to have me on my dating way in three easy steps. There were sites that allowed me to order the man of my dreams which was about as romantic as picking a refrigerator from the Sears and Roebuck catalog. All they required was a list the things I wanted in a mate and he would be emailing me before the sun went down. Of course he was probably in some obscure country and the only way for him to gain passage to America is to pay a ridiculous amount of money which of course he needed to borrow from me until he can free up his assets in his war torn country . Then there are the sites that insisted I navigate through a maze of questions, in order to match me with my Mr. Right. The problem is that by the time I navigated to actual communication, I would have aged so significantly that I would not be able to to remember what I was looking for in the first place. So choosing a site was simple I lived on a budget so it just needed to be free.

Before I wrote my profile I sat down to do a little research. I read the profiles of both men and women on the site and found one common thread. Everyone adored candle lit dinners and romantic walks on the beach. Boy if everybody got the date they were searching for it would be standing room only on every beach in the continental United States. Who are we trying to fool? A profile on a dating site is nothing more than a sales pitch. I had to be alluring without being slutty, intelligent yet able to give that deer in the headlights look occassionally, and confident while being as dependent as Scarlett O'Hara. I decided to just be honest in what I was looking for and wrote a profile that I hoped captured the essence of me.


OK GUYS HERE I AM NOW WHAT ARE YOUR OTHER TWO WISHES?

Wow where do I begin…….
Life is a journey and I have traveled many roads. The trip has not been without its share of pain but for the most part it has been one awesome ride!!!!!!! Sure hope I have a full tank of gas left cause I have still got a long way to go. I plan to come screeching up to my grave spinning tires and shouting “Man that was one heck of a ride!!!” Actually I would like to travel the next few miles on the back of a Harley but that is another story.
.
What am I looking for……
I really only have three criteria:

1. A full set of teeth…don’t care if they are store bought just as long as they stay in your mouth when you blow out your birthday candles.
2. Some semblance of gainful employment..doesn’t really matter if you ride the back of the garbage truck as long as you shower before a date
3. You must not be looking for another mama… you have one and I am sure she loves you very much.....been there done that got the t-shirt…not looking to adopt

I am all about new adventures. I am pretty much open to trying new things and as long as it does not involve free falling out of an airplane or swimming with sharks, I’m good. I ask only that you be gentle with me

Things I am not looking for:

A man who is texting another woman to set up a date for the next day while on a date with me

A man who asks for my advice on how to word the above mentioned text

A man whose vocabulary consists of words that only have three letters

I am looking for the man who can laugh with me and at me and knows the difference...the guy I can run to with tears running down my face and the first question he asks is Whose a$$ am I kicking babe?

And finally…….leave the drama with your mama…don’t really want to know your exes up close and personal… got one of my own and no longer allow him to have that kind of power over me

Oh and no players please.. ..I know the rules of the game, the game is on and I am on my game...

And all you guys out there looking for Barbie....just remember Barbie is looking for Ken!!!!

BTW if you have the Harley send a picture..... just kidding....seriously I am not that superficial..... ok send a picture!!!!!LOL

Still interested??? Fax me, email me, call me, write a letter, fly a note by carrier pigeon, send smoke signals, or just holler real loud…….I will indeed answer!

My idea of an awesome first date would be one that is unique...something off the chain. Dinner and a movie is great and I am honestly good with the drive thru at McDonald's if the conversation is good and the mood relaxed.....But make it unique and chances are you will get a second date......Go ahead...impress me...I DARE YOU!!!!

Now all that was left was to post a flattering picture of myself, the key word being flattering. Like every normal and sane woman in America I had body issues. I decided not to ask friends to help me with a picture after my friend Lora suggested that I hang upside down from a tree, which would show my fun side and smooth out all my wrinkles. With the help of a pair of control top pantyhose and a wonder bra I set the timer on my camera and before long I had a picture I could live with. I figured I could blame the blue tint on my face from lack of oxygen while attempting to hold in my stomach, on bad lighting.

Within the first two weeks, I was proposed to three times, propositioned for sex more times than I could count, and had an offer from one gentleman to give him the money for the down payment on 47 acres of land. He promised to pay me back just as soon the foreclosure on his house was over with. Now this was going to be a very interesting voyage indeed.........


TO BE CONTINUED


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    • profile image

      Julie 6 years ago

      ;) love it !

    • profile image

      Pam 6 years ago

      You finally did it! I'm so proud of you. The story is hilariously funny and it speaks the truth about starting over. I am anxiously awaiting for more.

      Love it!!

    • sam3m profile image

      sam3m 6 years ago from New York

      really funny stuff. you deserve a newspaper column, magazine gig, etc. writing is clean, to the point with great humor.

    • profile image

      Brandi 6 years ago

      YOU GO GIRL!! I am so proud to see you jumping out there like this. I am with you all the way!

    • profile image

      tsnowden 6 years ago

      OMG Aunty I swear your dating experience sounded alot like mine before I met Mr. Right, from cyberspace dating (YAHOO Personals) LOL. I cant wait to read the continuationit was awesome. Maybe we can get you published. Reading this has given me inspiration to write my story on finally love and FAMILY after over 40 years of life. LOVE YOU!

    • profile image

      Marie 6 years ago

      Mama I am so very proud of you!! You finally did it! I bet you feel a lot better! Love you! And I like sam3m's comment.....I think you really do need a newspaper column or magazine gig. You are an awesome writer.

    • profile image

      iHeartShay 6 years ago

      Funny!!!

    • profile image

      Paula B 6 years ago

      FANTABULOUS!!! I love this!!! You definitely have a talent that should be shared with the world! This is sure to keep readers laughing like crazy and begging for more. So proud of you...keep it coming sister!

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