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Legal Ways to Look Foolish and Not Be Arrested

Updated on June 19, 2013

GOOD OL' ATTENTION

I love it. And you do to. You might as well "man-up," and admit it. From the time we left our mother's womb, until now, we all need and sometimes-crave attention. Don't ask me. I am not Dr. Phil. And on second thought, don't ask him either for he isn't a "real" doctor. Why do we all need attention? I am give you one completely uneducated guess: Attention from others gives us that feeling of belonging to a group, family and just makes us feel all warm and gooey inside.

When we were all children in our learning stages, the things we did then, seemingly were perfectly-acceptable. Grown-up's would heave with laughter. Some would slap their knees while other grown-up's would nudge each other in the ribs and say, "ain't my little boy, Thad, a card?" meaning that Thad was a sure-fire, bona fide "cut-up," and this made Thad's mom and dad proud.

It is NOT illegal to drink chilled Jell-O, ONLY, from a paper cup

in a bar as these four friends are doing. You see? Many so-called "laws," are outdated and obsolete that we cannot have clean fun as we did when we were kids.
in a bar as these four friends are doing. You see? Many so-called "laws," are outdated and obsolete that we cannot have clean fun as we did when we were kids.

THEN WE GROW UP

and that's when our lives really get interesting. We have more rules, some useless, some needed, that we are programmed to adhere to if we are to be "responsible" adults. Responsible for what? Bills? Kids? Wives? Oh, yeah. I got it. Mortgages to our homes. Car loans and expensive vacation trips to Key West, Florida knowing ahead of time that we couldn't afford it, but going on our "uncle Don's" shifty advice, "tell the people in Key West my name. They will treat you right," we went. To Key West in a Pontiac station wagon loaded to the gills with kids, suitcases, two dogs named "Cody," and "Mildred," who fought all the way and an open cooler someone forgot to close allowing all those tuna fish sandwiches to "turn" in the hot, Florida sun. And this family adventure only set us back $5800.00. That was money back in the day when General Motors still made a Pontiac station wagon.

It is NOT ILLEGAL to drink with a friend

at his apartment and hold the wall up with your backs.
at his apartment and hold the wall up with your backs.

NOW MORE RULES TAKE OVER OUR LIVES

Stupid rules that someone with a degree in sociology wrote in a behavioral paper to the New England School of Medicine and from that time on, we have been "bottled up" by these rules that take away our abilities to not only have, but give attention to those around us like we were intended by our Creator to do from the beginning.

Well, my civilized friends, I have had enough. I am publishing my own set of "Legal Things You Can Do For Attention and Not Be Arrested," and maybe by reading this hub, you readers whose lives are so miserable from not having the necessary attention from others, that you can now be free to express your true, inner-feelings without fear of being arrested by "Johnny Law."

IT IS NOT ILLEGAL TO GET ATTENTION BY

  • Walking on a public sidewalk while whistling a tune from "Porgy and Bess."

  • Waving "hi," to a sleeping dog.

  • Saluting a stop sign in the middle of any big city.

  • Tap-dancing for five minutes on Printer's Alley (a real place) in Nashville, Tennessee.

  • Talking like Ed Sullivan in most Hooter's restaurants as you give "Muffy," your waitress, your order.

  • Giving a $100-dollar tip to any waitress who is off-duty at Hooter's.

  • Talking Chinese to a teddy bear on Fifth Avenue in New York (you will only fit in).

  • Telling corny jokes to elderly people who are on an outing in a city park.

  • Doing hippo and rhino impressions (on all-fours) while waiting in line at the DMV.

  • Mashing your face against the window from the inside of a laundry mat.

YOU CAN LEGALLY-NAP on park benches in daylight

But when night fall comes, you need to move along for the law says you are loitering.
But when night fall comes, you need to move along for the law says you are loitering.

MORE LEGAL WAYS TO GET ATTENTION

IT IS NOT ILLEGAL TO GET ATTENTION BY

  • Doing mime routines on the side of a public highway, but do not cause a traffic accident.

  • Yelling into the thin air in a public city park.

  • Reading a book upside down in an airport terminal.

  • Getting expensive plastic surgery to look like John Travolta.

  • Taking voice lessons to sound like John Travolta.

  • Pretend you are "walking a dog" but having to lead him with the rope that you are dragging behind you.

  • Quote sad French poetry in a public place near a busy office area in Chicago.

  • Ask people if you can give them a quarter to promote world peace.

  • Wear various colored shirts, pants, but no shoes at any drugstore.

  • Strike-up a conversation with a stranger and then sing a song to them.

More Legal Ways to Get Attention Without Being Arrested

Pulling a lazy man across a crowded walkway is not illegal.
Pulling a lazy man across a crowded walkway is not illegal.
Wearing a kilt in public is perfectly acceptable.
Wearing a kilt in public is perfectly acceptable.
You cannot be arrested in your own home by  showing a drunk man the length of your tongue.
You cannot be arrested in your own home by showing a drunk man the length of your tongue.
It is not illegal to dress in animal skins and allow dogs to bite you.
It is not illegal to dress in animal skins and allow dogs to bite you.
Sitting on a vacated railroad is not illegal and will get you that attention you need.
Sitting on a vacated railroad is not illegal and will get you that attention you need.

IN CLOSING

MY "TOP SEVEN" WAYS TO GET ATTENTION FROM OTHERS WITHOUT FEAR OF GOING TO PRISON


  • Nod your head up and down as you wait in line at a fast-food restaurant.

  • Talk extra-softly to a clerk who is renewing your driver's license.

  • Post your name on public bulletin boards that "you" will do errands for FREE.

  • Shake hands with all ministers and preachers you meet and then walk on down the sidewalk.

  • Visit the Army Recruiting Office in your town and ask, "business good today?"

  • Make yourself look stupid by crawling like a spider when you have to climb stairs ahead of people.

  • Always sing popular songs to yourself, but loud enough for others to hear you.

Thank YOU, my Good Friends and Followers for Reading this hub.

Very Sincerely . . .Kenneth

Comments

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    • profile image

      Debra Emerson 

      6 years ago

      Good reading, very funny, and a very good laugh!!!

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      6 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, picklesandrufus,

      Thank you kindly for this comment. I mean comment(S). I try to make my pictures say as much as my text as Im sure that you do too. One day, when I have the nerve, I want to publish a hub with JUST PHOTOS, big ones, with two or three word info at bottom. Would that be cool?

      Kenneth

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      6 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear catgypsy,

      Yes, you are first and I appreciate it. "SOME" people would do these things, but thank God, I have some common sense. Hubs gives me plenty of attention. And your attention and the attention of my followers is far more than I deserve.

      Kenneth

    • picklesandrufus profile image

      picklesandrufus 

      6 years ago from Virginia Beach, Va

      your pictures were as funny as your hub! Enjoyable read....still laughing!!

    • catgypsy profile image

      catgypsy 

      6 years ago from the South

      Another first comment! Very funny! I guess people who want attention THAT much don't care what kind of attention their getting...haha!

      Oh, and you can't do any of these on the NY trip...sorry!

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