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Consider These Before You End the Marriage

Updated on November 21, 2017
MsDora profile image

MsDora is a Certified Christian Counselor. Her views on premarital and marital issues are influenced by her Christian beliefs.

Think twice, three times, one hundred times if you are unhappily married and considering divorce. Can you really make a wise decision before you talk with an honest divorcee, or sit with a divorce support group, and hear from those who can view divorce from hindsight? They can present alternatives that haven't crossed your mind, and you’d be surprised at the many salvageable opportunities for your marriage.

Think twice, three times . . . if you are unhappily married and considering divorce.
Think twice, three times . . . if you are unhappily married and considering divorce. | Source

Perhaps you're tired of the cheating, abuse, drug or gambling addiction, or whatever is the disruptive behavior in the marriage. Or perhaps, your spouse is simply not contributing to the happy life you promised each other. Here are some questions to consider before you end the marriage:

  • Are you certain that divorce is the only way for you to be happier?
  • Are you considering divorce as a way to hurting your partner for the wrongs that he or she has done?
  • If so, do you think that hurting your partner will ease your hurt?
  • Can you justify your actions to the children and to your viewing public, especially those who look up to you?
  • Have you considered that the crisis in your marriage can be an opportunity for you to demonstrate genuine love and the importance of family?
  • Have you tried everything including counseling with a professional or a trusted friend?

With the right attitude, the spirit of forgiveness, and surrender to divine intervention, the following questions may show you how to replace marriage meddlers with marriage menders.

What Changed?

Photo by Jeff Klisares
Photo by Jeff Klisares | Source

Incompatible differences (often cited) are usually difficult to identify because they are not tangible.

  • Difference of opinion?
  • Difference in value system?
  • Difference in moods and desires?

All you're sure of, is that something changed. Truth is, you have gotten to know your spouse better, and some of the details are surprising. The surprises are mutual, and usually the one who reacts more is the one who is more naïve.

At first, you spoke glibly about what you had in common. Now that you live together, you see more ways in which you are different, and you are magnifying the differences over the similarities which are still there. You can learn from the divorcees; they will tell you that concentrating on enjoying life together could minimize those irritants or render them non-essential.

Besides, who wants an exact copy of himself/herself for a mate? There would be very few reasons, if any, for laughter. Truth be told, incompatibility gets more blame than it deserves. Companionship can acquire a perfect blend, even if not a perfect match.

What About Commitment?

What are you looking at?
What are you looking at? | Source

Double vision magnifies the differences. When you desire intimacy, and you think of a face other than your spouse’s, your vision becomes distorted.

  • Why does the spouse who previously seemed aggressive now seem nagging?
  • Aren't the traits you once called "financially responsible" the same traits you now call "miserly?"
  • When did the "attentive" behavior change to "clingy?"

These changes in vision are caused by your internal conflicts created by a wandering eye. You begin to compare the two visions in your head.

Looking for a reason to distance yourself, so you can have room to entertain the affections of someone else? Get a grip. It is not unusual for a married person to see attractiveness in someone other than his or her spouse. Be mature enough to remember your commitment to your marriage. Look again at your spouse and remind yourself of everything that attracted you in the first place. Also remind your spouse that those features are important to you.

Is Survival Possible?

Many marriages get into trouble because outsiders are allowed to butt in. The over protective mother, the suspicious mother- in-law, the dependent siblings, the high school buddy who wants to maintain the long-standing friendship relationship should all be put in their proper places--outside the marriage circle. The marriage union is comprised of you two--plus God--against the rest of the world, no matter how well-meaning the intruder might be.

If the couple agrees that advice is necessary, find a professional or close friend who enjoys the trust of both partners.Never share your problems except to get help. Set boundaries around your privacy and respect them. Often it is the betrayal of trust more than the disclosure of private information that causes the problem. Still, if this happens, don't hurry to leave the marriage. Your problems are not unique, so don't bother to feel embarrassed. Every marriage has some type of problem. Forgive, reconcile and make a greater effort to strengthen bond between you from from external interference.

When people know whatever they know about you, and they see you still pulling together, they will realize that you are determined to stay together. The world needs to see such determination.

What Else Can You Try?

"Love never gives up."
"Love never gives up." | Source

There is no guarantee that every dysfunctional marriage can be restored to the heaven-on earth condition, but it is a responsible and mature decision to try.

Try love as it is described in the Christian Bible. “Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always ‘me first,’ doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when others grovel, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies.” (The Message, 1 Corinthians 3-8). It takes a strong human being with a supernatural spirit to love like this. This is not a dare. Just saying, be careful and prayerful.

Still married? Then, with divine help and a sense of commitment, you still have the potential to be happily married!

© 2011 Dora Weithers


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    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 3 months ago from The Caribbean

      Victor, thanks for the encouragement. Better to consider slowly and carefully than have regrets afterwards.

    • newjerusalem profile image

      victor 3 months ago from India

      You've analyzed the practical issues of married life very sincerely. Many stumble and damage their life seriously without any foresight, during the time of crisis. Their wrong decisions cause them to face multiple dilemmas.

      This post actually cautions the married couple to consider the consequences before deciding to move away from their life partners.

      Keep doing the good work. Hats off to you.

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 4 years ago from The Caribbean

      Thank you, Indian Chef. Your points are all good, but especially the one about the children. Blessings!

    • Indian Chef profile image

      Indian Chef 4 years ago from New Delhi India

      Every marriage go through lean phases and that is time when it demands extra care and love . It is so easy to break a relationship but keeping it is hard work. What is guarantee that next one you find would be better than last one. You may end up even worse. Also kids you brought in world is your responsibility, and they deserve house with both parents. Very useful blog. Voting it up, sharing on hubpages and awesome.

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 4 years ago from The Caribbean

      LoveDoctor, I agree with you that infidelity is difficult to handle. Forgiveness calls for supernatural effort, and both partners need forgiveness.

    • profile image

      lovedoctor926 4 years ago

      very good advice. I agree with your points. In my opinion, it's hard to trust someone who has been unfaithful. I'm sure that you can work at it again if you seek marriage counseling, but it would probably take time.

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 4 years ago from The Caribbean

      Thank you, Mathi. Glad you stopped by.

    • mathira profile image

      mathira 4 years ago from chennai

      Sensible and practical advices,MsDora.

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 5 years ago from The Caribbean

      Thanks, Cherry. This was my very first hub and I still stand by the words I wrote here.

    • Cherry4 profile image

      Cherry Ann 5 years ago from New York

      wow very informative and great points for anyone thinking of a divorce. You laid it down simple and with truth.

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 6 years ago from The Caribbean

      Thanks Emily C, G'lady and everyone else for a great start. As I approach my first 100 followers, I'm looking back at those who commented on my very first hub. I appreciate you more than you know. For real!

    • profile image

      Emily C. 6 years ago

      Great job, Dora! I'm happy you are now doing what you've always wanted to do. Keep it up!

    • profile image

      G'lady 6 years ago

      Thank you God! She is writing again. I love your level-headed writing. Thank you for being with me through my divorce. Your presence and spirit of love led me straight to the arms of God. I look forward to hearing more from you. See you next week!

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 6 years ago from The Caribbean

      Thanks for all your encouragement. I appreciate you. Will you please add one more favor and click FOLLOW MSDORA at the right of the article. That would be very helpful. Thanks!

    • profile image

      myshaw 6 years ago

      This is a great article. Please continue writing.

    • profile image

      Margie Richardson 6 years ago

      Very nice article! My husband and I have been married 29 years this coming August, and we went into it with the thought, "Divorce is NOT and option!" ~meaning that with God as The Glue, we would work out any marital problem we'd face. Communication with each other and with God is the key to a successful marriage.

    • profile image

      M. Skinner Britt 6 years ago

      Very perceptive; I will forward this article to my daughter who recently married, smile.

    • profile image

      justme 6 years ago

      Very timely. I will definitely introduce my friends to your articles. In addition I will pray that you will have the strength and courage to keep writing many more.

    • profile image

      Rodney Dunneback 6 years ago

      You said it all very well, to many let there emotions rule there decision making. All would do well to read the sage advice in the book of Proverbs.

    • profile image

      Roswitha LaGarde 6 years ago

      Loved you article! This can help so many people! Two thumbs up.

    • profile image

      Wilson 6 years ago

      This article has a really good advice for married couples. I hope many couples would read this, it would save marriages. Will share the article with others. Keep up the good job Dora!

    • profile image

      pennyancel 6 years ago

      Since our 60th wedding anniversary is coming up in July, I would just say "know when to just be quiet and when you respond to anger, just talk quietly." This isn't always easy, but it ususally works.

    • profile image

      Jean D. 6 years ago

      So glad you are sharing your talents once again. I've missed your messages.

    • profile image

      MsDora 6 years ago

      Thanks l.moore. Will always remember you for giving me a good start.

    • profile image

      l.moore 6 years ago

      great article, wish i had read it before i was divorced. really good advice.