Little signs matter – Before romance
LIE TO ME GAME
Mostly we all want to present ourselves as best as possible, just like at the job interview, so the stranger in front of us, has best opinion about who we are. It’s unlikely that straight away we will reveal our life challenges and complications we encounter.
It is not exactly “lie”, but rather conscious omitting a few details, the type of information, we know well, once revealed, the other side will be gone. Nobody will tell, he likes to switch partners every few nights, is married or has mental problems with additional financial debts. These are purposely ignored or revealed, usually by the time, the partner is emotionally involved, therefore floating on hormones of delusion, what is resulting in being more tolerant and patience.
Considering different levels of self awareness nobody will be truthful to the potential lover if he is not truthful to himself. If some of the intentions are subconscious, they won’t be apparent, but slip into reality in moments of being together. Not paying attention to them will come with a price.
Some of these “under the surface” of human desires are: to posses somebody in order to control, dominate to build up own inner power; sexual needs without wanting a deeper bonds; feeling safe; having a better lifestyle, etc.
HOW TO WATCH THESE SIGNS
* Follow your FEELINGS. It’s a tricky one. Some of the concerns may come from our past and it takes an effort to differentiate if we are not projecting our fears on someone new. However if you have a strong feeling of pulling in your stomach, something is definitely up and shouldn’t be ignored. Investigate until you will find out. Before that however watch how far you allow somebody to get closer to your heart. That means also knowing where are your lines. For a lot of women that border is a physical interaction, however it may be also revealing your secrets. It makes one more vulnerable to confide in another. Watch in whom you confide.
* WATCH BEHAVIOR, not words of promise. This is where a lot of people wanting to be believe in goodness in another, is failing to see reality.
No matter how brilliant, intelligent, loving someone is, he/she definitely has a dark part. Human being is never one sided and holds capacity to both. As a few social psychological experiments showed and history, everyone put in a certain circumstances, can develop traits, he normally would not. Environment, being raised certain way, does that. Everyone developed own, unique mechanisms of survival and getting what he wants, how to avoid pain, punishment and get a reward. We are creatures of habits of course.
If someone allows us to be not punctual, we will. If you catch somebody on lie and let it go, surely you teach him to do it again.
Incongruity in action and words happens to all of us with a different degree. However if you notice that all the time in someone and these are things in nature of loyalty, respect, responsibility, then these are not just signs. These are red alarming lights.
* DRAW LINES
To draw lines, you need to know them first and establish them. What is it too much? What is your lifestyle that you won’t compromise? What bothers you? What behaviors are not acceptable? These are complex things that everyone needs to answer himself. It is never about one quality like faithfulness, but also time spent together. Can you be with astronaut who is mostly away? Can you be with someone who regularly talks to several exes or shares your secrets with other friends?
* BE CONSEQUENT
Once you are aware what supports you, the next step is apparently to stick to it and not allowing others to cross your lines. HOW? Do not to let away wrong doing without a consequence. Every cause creates result. What is the effect of not being punctual? In coaching session, pretty simple: you get less time you paid for. In raising kids, every parent knows what happens if he/she is not following up what was settled. In relationships? Multiple of examples here could fill the pages, so just to give one: if somebody is about to meet you and then suddenly cancels and you figure out he/she met with somebody else, how will you draw a line and maintain it?
Concluding, life and time is precious and nobody will turn that back. We only have so much energy and focus we can offer to the world, so we need to decide every day, who and what is worth our attention. What do we support, strengthen by focusing on?