Living Alone: Do men prefer living alone?
Why do men live alone?
Do men live alone because they really want to be alone, or because they lack the courage and strength to meet the demands of a relationship?
Published in my previous hub are the viewpoints of women. This hub contains the viewpoints of men.
Bill:
When we are young, and making babies, family is (or should be!) everything, so we naturally want to be together, Later in life, when the kids are grown and on their own, Mom and Dad can enjoy each other's company and share the things they can finally afford, like travel. But when one spouse passes on, the other has to choose between a lonely independence or another relationship, and the inevitable problems that go with it.
I don't think it's about courage or selfishness so much as it's about what is best for us and what makes good sense. A friend who lives down the street has his own house and a long-time girlfriend who also has her own house. Neither wants to marry, because they have both their independence and a dependable companion when they feel like sharing life. Since there are no babies involved and never will be, that seems like a sensible arrangement.
Not to mention that men who live alone can have pizza and beer every night!
Dave:
I live alone because I want to live alone. I have spent much of my life as a loner. It does not bother me to have only myself for company. I have rich and deep relationships with my neighbors and my family. I also am the kind of person who needs my own space. I like living by myself because it helps me understand who I am as a person. Even if I found a suitable partner/spouse I am not sure I would like to live with them. I enjoy sleeping in my own bed. I enjoy my eclectic lifestyle. I go to bed when I want to and I get up when I want to. I have had relationships that were both positive and negative. What I have learned from those is that it is okay to alone. Not everyone was meant to be married, and that is okay too.
Jim:
Loneliness is but a state of mind. You can live alone without being lonely. I often read, or hear, people say that relationships shouldn't take work. You should just be able to put them on auto-pilot and they will take care of themselves. On what planet is that? They do take work but shouldn't be so demanding that they become exhausting.
A relationship is like a garden that needs tending so that it isn't overgrown with weeds. Weeds have a tendency to choke vibrant growth out and a healthy relationship should be a growing experience,
I'm not sure that "lack the courage and strength" seems to fit this question. I believe that it is better to live alone than be miserable with another person. I have also learned that "settling" isn't a very good idea just to avoid living alone. If you do you may end up living with someone but being very much alone at the same time.
Right now I live alone by choice, not chance, and it has little to do with courage and strength and everything to do with peace of mind. I can deal with the demands of a "reasonable" relationship but not one involving the lack of trust, insecurity and suspicion. If those are part of the "demands" then leave me out of that equation.
Wayne:
I was divorced after just over 13 years of marriage and two children. There are no winners in divorce...only losers and the children normally lose the most. It was a heartbreaking process but marriage requires two willing souls thus there was no real alternative but to endure.
I spent the next decade living single never wanting to get into any real serious relationship which would again take me through that dreadful emotional process of divorce. I could not bring myself to the level of emotional involvement thus relationships came and went in my life usually at my choosing rather than theirs. I wanted guarantees. I finally got up the nerve to remarry in 1997 and it was a bigger step than the first time as I knew the possibilities...understood them well.
I have been happily married now for over 15 years and have no regrets as I have come to trust the one that I love. My ten years of single life was protective yet always a bit empty in places...an emptiness that I could not seem to salve no matter how I deeply I involved myself in the singles culture. I was numb but never at peace as I am today.
Colin:
Loneliness is an intangible. It's in your mind.
(And this was all I got out of this buddy of mine. Plus a link to a specific song.)
D. William
I find myself living alone and perfectly content to do so 99.9% of the time. All the relationships I tried were with the expectations of having a partner that was equal in all aspects of life. But to my detriment they all turned out to be dependent instead of equal, and more of a liability than an asset, so my last and only option was (is) to live alone and enjoy the independence, solitude, and quiet times at my own leisure.
The other .01% is only in relationship to my pets, as my greatest fear is keeling over dead and there being no-one to rescue them.
We all should first learn to be self reliant before ever agreeing to sharing our lives with another person - and that goes for both sexes.
Ken:
I believe people live alone because they chooset to. There are numerous reasons for one living alone, mine is by choice. After two failed marriages and broken relationships, I've come to the realization that I'm not cut out for living with somebody else other than myself and that's even difficult at times. Why? because I am too much of a perfectionist, moody, quickly agitated and a lover of my own space and my own dirty laundry. I've carried others baggage far too long and decided I would be better off carrying my own, thus living separate but still sharing is much easier. It's simply your place or mine for a sleepover and then homebound to each others home we go. Makes for a much simpler, cleaner, organized and peaceful life.
Barend:
After a few relationships and a marriage of twenty-four years I simply know that living alone is the best way to keep a relationship uncomplicated and happy.
Living alone means I can do whatever I like MY WAY without irritating the woman I love. It also means that I don’t give her the opportunity to irritate me.
Let the British author and social critic, Adous Huxley, explain what I mean: “Familiarity breeds indifference. We have seen too much pure, bright color at Woolworth’s to find it intrinsically transporting. And here we may note that, by its amazing capacity to give us too much of the best things, modern technology has tended to devaluate the traditional vision-inducing materials.”
Tom:
I don’t want to be alone and I am not afraid to meet – or at least try to meet - the challenges of a relationship. I thought I was happily married for 18 years, but for some reason my wife decided to elope with my best friend. Now that was a helluva knock. But a man has to face reality. Sh-t happens. Our children would like to see us together again, but they will eventually realize that what’s dead is dead and I am not Frankenstein.
After the divorce I have tried a second relationship. I honestly tried my best for two years. But trying at my age to meet the unreasonable demands of a woman with issues, is a waste of precious time.
I just met a new potential partner. I look forward to explore a new life with her. But, again, not willing to pocket any nonsense. There is many fish in the see.
My Conclusion
The convictions of these men left me with the clear conclusion that every man knows whether they are voluntary alone, or alone because they don’t have the courage and strength to meet the demands of a relationship.
Of course, men feel offended when they are accused of 'lacking courage and strength' for anything, but as a seasoned feminist knowing that there is about seven women for each man on this planet, I dare to say that lacking courage and strength AND patience is in fact the basic reason why men live alone. Women are more complicated than men, they are more demanding, especially with regard to emotions, so why would a man saddle himself up with a woman (and children) if he can and may live alone and keep his bread buttered on both sides?
But this is a hub for another day. In the meantime, dear men, you may try to convince me that I am giving you a lot of stick.
However, the question is: What should be done? (For talk is cheep).
Of course, when a man is voluntary alone, he should enjoy being alone. His ego should be strong enough to bear the accusations of a cheeky woman. When he is alone due to a lack of courage and strength to meet the demands of a relationship, he should find courage and strength.
In my language we have a saying: “’n Boer maak ’n plan.” Best translation: “A cowboy makes a plan.”
Why do women live alone?
- Living Alone: Voluntary or due to a Lack Of Courage
Women have a specific standpoint about living alone.
A Perspective on Loneliness
- Perspectives: Loneliness – An Indisputable Emotion...
What exactly is Loneliness apart from being an indisputable emotional pain?
© Martie Coetser
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Title :: Why do men live alone
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Hmmm.... do we like being alone, or do we lack the "courage and strength to meet the demands of a relationship?"
Tell me, why does a relationship with you demand such courage and strength? Are you that difficult to live with? You make it sound only Superman could handle you!
But back to the original question: My answer is, that's for us to know and you to find out. :)
Seven women for each man on the planet, six fat ones in America
Hmmmm, the men tell why they live alone (nothing to do with lack of courage) and you don't believe them anyway. This is why they want to live alone.
Not an easy topic.
First, anyone can change - as with relationships, it takes time and effort and willingness to form one and to have enough time to figure out if both people are compatible.
Second, many people put in personal ads how they own a home and x, y, z, and then - months later - say out of the blue they prefer independence and living alone. Even though you did nothing to instigate a "where does the future entail" question. Ditto for marriage. People do NOT like playing games, that is the ONLY thing that is true as we get older.
Even female coworker friends believe in the stereotype that men do not want to commit and want it both ways. Of course, all groups have stereotypes...
Always have friends and hobbies on the side, so you don't spend all your time thinking about possible situations with a lover - either good or bad.
But always be honest, sincere, but kind and mindful of one's partner. And that starts at the beginning: No games, don't put in things you say you own or want to share - not just about sending misleading claims about possible cohabitation, but because relationships are about the people. Not the property being flaunted. If people can't understand that, then they are not capable of a relationship. Don't waste a possible partner's time.
Oh, being apart also invites the chance of infidelity and other bad things. There's a reason why relationships are meant to grow people closer. People who want it both ways are also incapable of relationships. Again, don't waste other peoples' time.
So true, Martie, so true, what you say! I think I could have adjusted in my 20's, but now . . . not so much! Too unbendable, like an older tree. :-)
Very interesting hub.
Neat hub! It's interesting to read all the perspectives. I can SO relate to Ken (Vincent) about just having sleepovers and then going back to our own homes. It lends itself to a cleaner, neater, more organized life. I totally agree. I have a neat relationship that I don't want to ruin my moving in together and getting on each other's nerves! Great hub! :-)
Hmmmmm...veddy interesting..
i have heard that when a woman loses her partner through death - that only about 50% of them remarry - the reasoning is that they're tired of rearing children..
on the other hand - i believe the number is upwards of 80% of men that remarry - the reasoning is that they need someone to look after them..
LOL..
(btw..interesting group of men ya got together here, Martie...)
i suspect you are correct in your final assessment..lol...(issues, issues, issues...)
love ya gfxx
up and sharing forward, dear friend...
Intriguing, hub, Martie; the contributions by these gentlemen are fascinating. I have to agree with Pamela in that the reasons men give for living alone are similar to what women might say. There is also independence, and as Will stated, “What is best for us and what makes good sense…” for individuals at that time. Nevertheless, I believe that when you meet that special someone and fall in love, all bets are off, and the reasons for living alone have a habit of dissipating, complexities and challenges notwithstanding...at least for a while. :-) Well done, Martie.
Hmmm very interesting and leaves much food for thought.
Eddy.
I read your conclusion first before those of your male contributors to your article. I can't help smiling when I notice the end quote about Afrikaner "cowboys" and the photo of the men who were bearded and wearing ten gallon hats. The very epitome of the word "machismo". The grandfatherly image of Colins being the exception.:) Do I detect the impish nature of a feminist who successfully manage a rodeo roundup of unsuspecting Hubpages "cowboys"? Looking forward to what you have plan for April Fools day :))
BTW, I have long been roped in, and for the past 23 years have look yearnly at the wide open range beyond my corral environment.:) ...and yes, I do agree with you, women are more "complicated". So perhaps it's the other way around? We husbands lack the courage and strength, preferring the safe,comfy routine of married life to the adventurous and unpredictable wilderness of open ended relationships. The humorous Filipino term for "Henpecked" is "Andres de saya." (A man under a woman's skirt) and this comment was written tongue in cheek. :))
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All wonderful insights, but I agree most with Epi....it is a state of mind. This is why people who seem to have everything can still be unhappy...the state of mind is not fulfilled. So whatever the path one takes, loneliness is perceived!
Lovely hub with great perspective. I do agree living alone would be better than feeling lonely with someone else, that makes good sense.
Yes, Martie, we are trying to explain the Burning Plain. It just pains too much that it motivates our search for the answers, otherwise who would have bothered?
You know the drill:
If you happy and you know it, clap your hands!
It does not go like
"If you are miserable and you know it, clap your hands!" because it won't help.
I love this quote:
Illusions are the truths we live by until we know better.
- Nancy Gibbs
Yes, the truest truth of all the truths is that everyone would go crazy in the House of Mirrors. Everyone would smash the glass "in the process of learning" and cut himself accidentally or not. Everyone would bleed. Who knows how long does it take?
I actually think, it should be
One, two, three, infinity - it rhymes better - stages are inevitable and I go from stage to yet another, but they are clearly different. I am more in a practical terrain now, terrain as in
Version 1: Terrain = Terr(or) + Ain(t)
Version 2: Terrain = Terra(land) + In(within yourself)
Version 3: Ter(rential) + Rain (as in Natural Disaster, Force Major)
Version Infinity: Locked in Eternity
Some of my creativity is back.
Anyway, I thought today of one of my favourite songs - the spring is coming...
And no, I am not looking for myself as much as I am trying to adapt to live with what is. It is officially Step Number Next.
Take care, Martie!
P.S. One of these days I may even come up with some energy for a hub. Did I say "days"? I meant decades. How very DECADEnt of me!
Hi Martie.. being alone sometimes sounds. good .. especially when you are mad at your partner.. which happens sometimes.. but after a while you either get over being mad and or move out.. lol.. I tried living alone.. I like it at first but i was so used to taking care of my husband that I actually started missing it..lol.. and went back to him.. oh well such is life.. I love your hub.. going to read the one you wrote about us women's....
love you Martie
deb
This is a fascinating hub. I was amazed to hear about men who are basically comfortable living alone. I've always heard that men were incapable of living alone as they got older. Now I stand corrected.
I especially admired the phrase about how we should all learn to be self reliant prior to sharing our lives with someone. I agree with this 100%. So many people don't know how to do this and as a result, settle for the first person that comes their way. Sometimes that person doesn't be right for them either.
Well written and entertaining! I look forward to reading more of your hubs!
Voted up and interesting.
Martie, thanks for such a full reply - I was struggling with my own response, why I always have to see beyond the "obvious surface". But in my case it is simply the necessity - one can come up with whatever explanations - reasonable or not - they will make sense as long as one is consistent. Consistently happy or consistently miserable.
Some of us do not have the luxury of waking up each morning and recognizing ourselves. The moods change, the behaviours change, the evaluations change, the energy levels change, the goals change, the reactions of others change...
I am robbed of this fundamental "truth" - I am this and I am that - that is what makes coming to terms "Who the hell am I?" so difficult.
I have to look beyond emotions.
I know that I said many times that NOW I made this decision and that decision and I always fall short and I always feel horrible afterwards.
NOW I am telling myself that I have to fundamentally get myself rid of all the guilt I acquired (in other words, to forgive myself and accept all that was done that below my standards as "it is what it is and it is NOT going to change").
The "fundamental part of ever-changing" is NOT going to change and I have to form an image of myself in this ever-changing light.
So, coming back to consistency - it is lucky for the majority of people and yet it is the very foundation of deception - to have consistency - it is easier to adapt to, yet it is not the truth. Like the infinity, truth is immeasurable.
Before the dawn of times, people used to count "one, two, many, infinity, zero" - and I think as far as understanding psychology goes - humanity is at "one, two, many, infinity!!!!"
Congratulations on your hub, anyway. Don't let my pontificating drug (misspelling INTENTIONAL) you into trying to explain something inexplicable. Some people stay single, some people find relationships, things may change at any moment. Circumstances will change, opinions will change, truths will change.
One, two, many...
One, two, many...
One, two, many...
If you are in a relationship with someone who values their independence, either accept it or move on. They are not going to change, and neither are you.
Generally men are less communicative. That's why many of them find females too complicated and demanding and men are not good in analyzing women's needs and emotions; what they see is what they get. They don't want to bother to do the analyzing thing so they prefer to live alone -- less complications. I understand these guys who share their stories.
I don't mind living alone and sometimes I need to have a "me" time -- but to me it is much better to have a life partner.
Voted up and interesting. :)
Thanks Martie for allowing me to link my hublove hub that you inspired me to write for you and the fellas here. Once again I loved your hub here it was truly awesome indeed. http://hub.me/af4nE
Hi Martie...my HP's stuff is also jumping around and acting irrationationally! The time thing is off, or something. On my site, too.
Yes, I just read Wayne's contribution here. I am very pleased that he's found a wonderful relationship that works well for him.
We each grow into finding what we truly want and need...and these are as different as we are; each and every one.
Great comments here...much to learn~!
My dear Martie:
I can honestly say that I don't know that much about men. Whatever they say may not very well be "what the real reason is". I am saying this because after having explored "myself", I realized that the true "terra incognita" is ONESELF. We find plausible explanations and believe in them and all those lies to ourselves, all this BS we put up around ourselves is the hardest to see. It might be easier to see what it wrong with others, but with ourselves?
So, I don't have much faith in the explanations that people have about themselves. The biggest courage is to face yourself. Courage to be in a relationship is a but a fraction of that.
Do I make any sense?
This was a fun and very informative read; thank CloudExplorer for sending me over here. Glad I stopped by. This hub validates the whole notion of the "Caveman." It was a one-man comedy in the early-mid nineties that was extremely popular. Voted up and interesting. Thank you to all the men who bravely revealed themselves to the world. Wow.
Martie, i haven't laughed this much in a long time. I loved your comment about the sour wine and curling your toes, sounds like you've been to the top of the mountain. lol.. Your ability to write a hub that ignites so many different comments is amazing. I loved it. Looks like you have a keeper, Mr. B. Interesting and a fun hub, keep it up...
Martie, my dear! I left a comment (I thought!) here last night but, alas; I do not see it...no wonder...I wrote an entire hub this am and saved it..only thing; it DID NOT save! Geesgh
I love these comments and the honesty here. What a GREAT hub. Real human beings being real! I am so pleased to read the thoughts of intelligent, sensitive men on such an intelligent, sensitive issue. Bravo, my dear Martie!
I wish, also, to underscore and put in CAPS my agreement w/Amy..what a great comment! As always, I am astounded at the depth of understanding of our shared human condition. I say...
A MEN!!! (As in A list!!)
NOTE to D. Williams: You can provide for / protect your beloved companion animals after your departure. Either online or through an Estate Planner; you can set up your belongings in such a way as to cover any/all costs as well as custodial needs of your animal survivors. Whether you have much wealth or little; it can be arranged through an arbiter of sorts; a legal representative who oversees your estate after death...and makes sure that your last wishes are honored. As much a a huge estate or, simply, a loving caregiver....these can be arranged for your animals. It is legitimate and binding. Just a heads up.
My darlin/' there is more to my statement that,“.... human relationships ARE uncertain, cannot be ruled or expected-to-be a certain way or to yield a certain joy over time....”
Commitment means one commits to it, not that one relies on "it" to work itself out. When those possibilities you list may arise (almost certainly will at some point) to undermine our hopes, then is when our commitment setps in to restore the joy and freshness. If it were all pre-guaranteed, commitment would have nothing to DO and the joy would be 'old-hat' and the freshness would be a bit stale. Not too different from life itself!
We are the live elements in it and we inject the live elements into it, especially if we see that they seem to have worn thin.
The fear is not that they might wear thin, but only that oneself or one's beloved won't notice and have the spark to refresh it. We KNOW we & they will probably need refreshing. That's not the real fear. But will they see it? Will we be inspired enough? So first, we must examine ourselves and we must always be fully aware of our chosen 'other' from choosing through living-with.
I'm not sure that 'hurt' is the major culprit in failed relationships so much as oblivion and indifference. There used to be an 'out-of-the-corner-of-the-mouth' saying: "I'd rather be hated than ignored." More relationships may wither an die from indifference than from lively fighting.
But most of the responsibility for keeping the fires sparkling is one's own. In any case, that's the only part one can direct. The only influence on the 'other' in the equation is to have chosen him/her wisely and encouraged him/her to remain involved, which depends on one's own involvement and commitment.
As you say so wisely: "Today I am happy, and tomorrow I will be happy, unless a tree falls on me... :)" There's nothing to fear in proceeding courageously! You KNOW it! Hugs.
Hi Martie, its great when a guy likes living on their own, in the case of my brother he hates it, but after spending years looking after my parents, and suffering from depression he never realised just how hard it can be. when he lived at home whether our parents were ill or healthy he felt that he wasn't alone, now I take care of him, but he still gets really jittery being on his own, great interviews though, and fascinating reading, nell
Excellent hub and interesting perspectives. voted up!
Your hub and all the fabulous commentary it has stirred reminded me of something I read a long time ago that stated "Men don't fall in love with the woman, as much as they fall in love with the way the woman makes him feel about himself." This rang a chord with me at the time, as I was personally finding that to be the truth in my relationship. Nothing is written in stone, however, regarding individuals, but in both my marriages I found this to be fact. When I started growing into my own (a relatively late bloomer) I still listened to my now exes, but did not swallow everything they believed to be absolute, hook, line and sinker. As Archie Bunker would have said, I was given the option to "Stifle yourself" or hit the road. I chose the latter as I do not feel I was given life to simply reflect someone else's image.
I believe in love and I believe give and take is part of every partnership. My take on things is only my own, born of my experiences. And, though I am fully aware that no one is perfect and we all carry strengths and weaknesses, I have personally found that it is often the weaknesses that initiate and sustain many unhealthy relationships. In my personal experience, my weaknesses created my erroneous thinking processes that thought I needed to lean on someone I perceived to be stronger (which were actually his control issues). Once I began thinking for myself from a stronger self awareness, I could no longer acquiese to his every whim, need, desire or demand. Once I left emotionally, I could no longer stay physically. I left, as much for his good as mine. I felt guilt at the dishonest way of pretending I had to incorporate into living with these men, meaning I could no longer say something I did not mean or follow orders that I did not believe in.
I have found living alone gives me the peace, tranquility and independence that was absent in my marriages. For better or worse, I am able to be me. Thank you, Martie
All very good pointers. :)
Martie, you sure stirred the pot with this one. And nunchi is my new favorite word.
Awesome hub here Martie, you have inspired me to write a hublove hub about it, and I would like to thank you for such a true inspiration. I love it when folks bring out the best in others, and you hub here addresses a true to life issue that many men deal with day to day, and that of their ex-spouses or partners as well if any.
Living alone to me isn't fun, but I could do it if I had to make such a move, but as for now I will remain with my lovely wife, she is good to me, and I owe it to her to reciprocate such an emotion, plus I love the hell out of her as well. Yup yup, even if we don't get along all the time.
Bravo on this awesome hub, and your hub love is coming right up!
Thumbs up and outta here!
Oh, dear...I think I have fallen in love with all these handsome, intelligent men you interviewed for this Hub! Each one has a good, sensible answer for why they prefer living alone.
I was married to a perfect man, but sadly, he died at the age of 52. I've been alone since. ANY one of these men would make me change my mind.
I voted this UP, and shared.
"... I dare to say that lacking courage and strength AND patience is in fact the basic reason why men live alone." When I read the responses of the men in this hub, mine included, I did not read that they live alone because they were weak and lacked patience to have a positive relaitonship.
The rest of my response was directed at comments left to this hub... "Interesting responses Martie. I'm going to stick my foot in my mouth (again) and say that I believe many males would be afraid of having to change their habits... being house trained as it were, and that is all part of 'women being demanding' Both men and women get set in their own ways so there is a great deal of compromise and learning to live together in harmony, so it is often simpler to live alone. That is the message that is coming across to me here" and to someone else who equated living along as being lonely etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. as for the word Vrou... tell them to update the dictionary.
I love the honesty and realistic life view of these interesting men. I am heartened to hear their stories and the current conclusions that come from life experiences.
I have no erudite words to add to the amazing comments here...and I want to underscore what Amy wrote....after reading your reply to Amy's comment..and then reading...I am amazed at the insight and just say: AMEN!
PS...I want to say to D. William...there are ways you can be sure that your surviving pets are well cared for...many Estate planners write wills / living trusts which provide for the needs of your companion animals to their natural deaths...if there is an estate or holdings enough to do this. Lo0k it up online or speak w/your lawyer/atty. Perfectly legal and binding.
Living alone translates to having so much freedom. It also depends a lot on ones upbringing, life experiences and character. Bad life experiences with women can especially drive a man to live alone for the rest of his life.
I'm glad you did this one too, after reading the one about the women. It is very interesting. I have had alone periods in my life, but none lasted very long. Some of those solitary times should have lasted longer though! I was married to a woman for eighteen years who decided she loved her boss, and mutual friend, instead. The hardest part of that was our six year old daughter not being in my life every day. As fate would have it my ex-wife died suddenly a year later and I became a single parent for a while. Married now for five years, this is a good one.
I fix dinner as often as she does and we cook together a lot too.
I know both men and women who say that they value their freedom and independence far too much to ever marry again, but they are fine with a long term relationship.
I don't think it's about courage or strength so much as it's about just being free to enjoy life at your own pace and choosing.
Martie, I don't want a billionaire, although that would be a change from supporting my two husbands! The men's responses in this hub have let me know I can have a relationship without expectations. That's comforting. Now I just need to lose the weight I've gained since I started working from home and see if any of the men in your interview are interested! (Most men in Florida are assholes. They are either corporate driven or are gold diggers, as are the women!)
Martie, this look at living alone from a man's perspective was not only fascinating, it really serves to show how similar the genders are when it comes to life choices. As for Paul's letter to the Corinthians, he was having marital issues at home when he wrote that part so take it with a grain of salt lol. Will Starr made me laugh out loud with his dating service idea!
Men and women are not so different. Later in life, it's more about deep friendship and respect that can indeed grow into love if that's what we want. The babies are grown and we are free to pursue the things we enjoy, including each other. There are no rules except the ones we set for ourselves. Compromising ourselves, our values, and our dreams never works regardless of gender. If we are lucky enough to find a companion in life's playground, then it's wonderful but it doesn't take two people living together to be happy.
It always struck me as strange that we spend our childhoods dreaming of a room of our own as we lie in our single beds and then one day, we marry. We share a room, a closet, and a bed with less sleeping space than we had when we were kids. It's no wonder boundaries in other areas are crossed, too!
Nellieanna made an excellent point. We are all lucky enough at this point in life to decide what we need and want with no excuses or apologies. I love it!
Well done, once again SAA. Very interesting perspectives from the men. I enjoyed getting into their heads and learning how they tick. I also like how you added Mr. B's point of view! :)
An interesting hub Martie... I think in bits you have projected your own needs to be with someone onto those of us who choose to live alone. The comments here were equally interesting. I would be curious to know what "ways" we should change, given that we did not really discuss "ways"... As for housetrained... my house is clean, and I am well mannered. It is not like I don't have friend over for dinner, or the occasional party. Simply because I do not have to sit on the couch and ask what is for dinner does not make me a bad person.
My dear friend Martie thank you for including my response to your email as a contributor to this very interesting and stimulating hub. Your question draws a vast array of reasons for one's choice to live alone. Just to clarify my overall decisions to live alone. I was always a ladies man from my teen years through most of my adult life. I fell into what I thought was love on numerous occasions, yet to my dismay it was mostly lustfull love, the true meaning I never learned until later in life.
My first marriage failed after 4 short yet exciting years, I wanted to raise a family and she changed her mind the first couple of years into it. I felt confused and deceived and thus wandered from the marriage bed into the arms of another. The second I fell madly in LOVE with both lustfully and with my total mind heart and soul. She wanted a family and gave me 4 beautiful children. We spent a fire and brimstone 18 years together. I will spare the readers all the reasons for the demise of the marriage, but let me say this. I married into a "Fatal Attraction" and ended with "The War of the Roses" nothing more to say. I've since paid my dues both financially and emotionally.
My heart and soul were destroyed, I withered like a Rose on a vine, my loving character changed and believe me its taken all of 13 years since our divorce to resume a normal life, whatever a normal life is really supposed to be. If I sound jaded a tad, then I suppose I am. However I regained my sanity and managed to have a couple of relationships since then. I always will love the scent of a woman, but alas from afar. I will not go back to the matrimony bed, instead I will share my many blessings and talents with the right lady at either her place or mine.
I have found this to be the best way to keep a relationship together at my age. Never did I marry to divorce and since it happened to me twice, I finally realized that I was cursed and no woman should ever have to bare the loss of a husband unless its due to his death. I am a firm believer in marriage and always have been and I am so happy for those who can keep it together forever, yet the brutal numbers of divorces in this generation is staggering. Remaining single for me and enjoying my alone time has proven to be very worthwhile as well as pleasantly exciting. I don't miss out on much, I have a life and a select group of friends.
You can call me crazy, you can call me eccentric, you can call me selfish, but please don't call me a liar when I say even if I found a soulmate, I'd choose to live alone. I am not anti-man or antisocial, but I lived with two men, who were not serial killers or bad men, but they were stereotypically masculine and testosterone controlled. Now, living alone and loving it, I know my marital unhappiness was of my own acccord. I resent being told, cajoled or manipulated into pleasing someone else at my own expense. Like some of the men here mentioned, they prefer deciding for themselves when to eat or not, go to bed or not, have a pet or not, sleep in or not, take their vitamins or not...
When I was very young, I was heavily influenced by the dictate of the day, which meant marriage. Without the outdated, stuffy, cloistering relationship rules, there is a growing populace of single women choosing to live separately; many of them involved with a significant other and some even married yet opting to live separately. Today, we are free to live as best suits each individual without the constraints of someone elses idea of ideal. I believe this freedom has resulted in each person being able to explore their own nirvana without feeling like a pariah. The walls have come down and the rules collapsed under the weight of significant numbers of failed marriages or marriages that unhappily remained coupled at the expense of the well-being of each partner.
Just as there are truly happy marriages, there are just as many happily independent, healthy singles. The days of a subservient hausfrau are long dead. Marriage, too, has changed with many unions approached with pre-nuptual arrangements. Today, men and women both are free to live with the best of both worlds without judgment.
Provocative, inspiring, intelligent writing, Martie. Ever considered writing for Vogue? You got it, woman!
I laughed out loud at you comments to me. Somehow i can not picture YOU as a 'taker' that i reference. Accepting gifts graciously is a good thing.
By 'takers' (both male and female) i mean those that take away your dignity, your privacy, your money, your thoughts and more: and then on top of all of that, deliberately either leave the toilet seat up, or down, whichever way you do not want them to do it. L.O.L.
Martie, this is interesting and very reassuring. With the exception of Tom's response, each man has mirrored my own reasons for living alone - and currently being alone. I've given up on relationships because at age 56, what is there except the expectation of marriage? I don't want another marriage. It really doesn't suit me. Additionally, I'm not willing to share my home nor give it up. I particularly like Vincent Moore's philosophy; it's more in keeping with mine.
Do any of these men live in Central Florida???? :-)
Very interesting perspectives here from each of the men you have featured. It is always great to read when each have responded with such refreshingly honest answers here. I believe when one chooses to be alone, that does not necessarily mean one is lonely. However, when one completely isolates oneself from the outside world without any type of contact or companionship for too long of a period of time, it can be very unhealthy and even life-threatening, i.e., to cut oneself off from the outside world. However, that is not really the question here, but rather that of the choice to live alone or to not live alone.
I, for one, love my alone time when I can get it, and it is oh so necessary to make time for oneself, even in a marriage of 34 years! It may even be more necessary and very important . . . lol
Thanks so much dearest Martie for the great write!
Voted up ++++ and sharing
Hugs and love, Faith Reaper
Frog:
when the takers take more than they give back it is time to boot their butts to the sidewalk. No matter how much they say they love you, as soon as you stop giving, they turn on you like a rattlesnake.
Having someone dependent on you for legitimate reasons (like a partner who falls ill or loses their job, is another story)
Another great look at this question among the male gender. Well worth the read and contemplation it inspires! I appreciate their good replies.
There are folks of both genders who honestly feel they are only 'half' whole until they find & hook up with their 'other halves', i.e.: soulmates. I felt I'd found my 'other half of the apple' when I was very young and felt that kinship with my first love. We both felt it, yet it didn't' work out, due to vicissitudes of life and our responses to them. I've felt 'that' special kinship more than once since then, yet only once has it worked out to blossom into a real and lasting relationship. So what is there to prove any such certainty or necessity as a single soulmate or a need to join lives with one in order to be a complete person? Soul is part of an ocean, anyway. :-)
From a realistic perspective, what if I should again feel that kinship, now that my real and lasting soulmate is no longer living? Would following up with it disprove any real & actual truths? Similarly, - if it hadn't worked out 'magically' the way it did, would it have been any less real and actual as it was experienced? Does freezing a feeling in a time & place preserve it - or disprove it?
Seems that human relationships ARE uncertain, cannot be ruled or expected-to-be a certain way or to yield a certain joy over time.
We're each stuck with only one person for the duration of this life - our own self. If we can get along well with that one person, we may be able to get along with another person, who - despite all our love & compatibility - IS a whole other person with some traits and preferences opposed to ours! It's not mandatory that we must just put-up with them. The mutual willingness to adjust to differences and 'give benefit of doubt' is mandatory if any relationship is to work out. So -- if someone chooses to live alone, it may be the most practical and wise choice, and it may be sparing the person andy any prospective partner much trouble & misery, not to mention children if those result from the time of togetherness. If one is allergic to Latex paint, it's unwise to paint the interior of one's house with it!
Common sense. Good idea.
About men, I've noticed that many guys seem independent and good at solitary life, but overall or in a pinch, - they seem a bit more dependent on companionship than women, possibly due to having enjoyed being cared for and loved by women since their birth. Whether or not they treat the woman in their lives with equal respect and thoughtful care as they expect in return, they are dependent on receiving it.
Women have traditionally been carefully kept dependent on men, up till the last several decades. It might have been because men have traditionally feared their women gaining independence from themselves. I don't say that as a feminist, which I'm not; merely as a clear observation in practice. It's not a firm-&-always rule, of course, but it exists & underlies many relationships. Now that women have 'equal opportunities', one result seems to be that many men feel 'emasculated' and diminished & many women feel misunderstood& unloved. Equality shouldn't be 'either/or' - but it seems to be because of human frailties and insecurities. The good relationships either gender would probably prefer are those with mutual respect and care. But it always takes two. If lacking that, being one alone has outstanding advantages.
Being alone for either men or women can be the individual's choice and doesn't have to indicate any flaw, hidden motive or prevailing fear. Certainly mature people of both genders are capable of deciding what condition best suits their own personal needs and preferences, without excuses or apologies!
My dear BEAUTIFUL girlfriend if any woman can change my mind somewhere in the future it WILL BE YOU. Excelant hub. Keep it up. Mwha
d.william - This part of your narrative struck right where part of my realization has come to lie: "All the relationships I tried were with the expectations of having a partner that was equal in all aspects of life. But to my detriment they all turned out to be dependent instead of equal, and more of a liability than an asset, so my last and only option was (is) to live alone and enjoy the independence."
Finding someone who actually knows what it takes to be a partner is difficult. Many say they do as long as it is going their way. I have entered into relationships where we talked about it before we stepped out there, not afterward. There is a distinct difference between a giver and a taker. Many takers think they are givers. That is sometimes only in their mind.
The Frog Prince
Great hub idea, and i loved the "moonshine" video. L.O.L.
Interesting comments as well.
Generalizing on any subject can be useful when trying to make a point; but not necessarily the "truth" for everyone. Like saying: all cats have fleas. We know that it 'could' be true, but it is not.
As i stated: one has to be able to live with themselves (in all respects) before attempting to live with someone else.
I know many men who state that the situation (relationship) they are in, although far from perfect, is better than none at all - and vice versa for many of the women i know.
Some of us "hermits", "recluses", or "eremites", et al.., are either born anti-social, make a conscious choice to do so, or at least made to be that way by society's interpretations of what any man (or woman) needs, wants, or should be, by those very societal standards in which we live. We tend to dictate the 'needs' of others by our own.
Personally, i do not need the "approval" of any one and accept no "judgments" from anyone, as they have no validity whatsoever. (of course that excludes constructive criticism if asked for)
I learned at an early age to never be dependent on others, and to never accept anyone being dependent on me.
When we talk about the "viability" of a fetus, that premise continues with us throughout our lives. We must be able to take care of ourselves before we can ever hope to find another person who is also able to take care of themselves as well, if need be. Those kinds of relationships are rare. I have never found one, and am quite content without any, rather than settling for less.
So, anyone who thinks living independently alone is a weakness, has it backwards.
Martie, I absolutely love this article and enjoyed learning about some of my fellow Hubbers. I think the answer to your question would be much the same if asked of women. I too have made the choice to live alone and am so much happier than I was trying to share my space. Some of us are simply creatures who need that quiet space. I am one of them and I make no apologies. One can live alone and still have very meaningful, rich relationships but at the end of the day, there is no place on earth like the time spent in quiet solitude, alone with your thoughts and emotions. And for me, it was necessary for personal growth. I applaud you for writing this one anddoing it perfectly without judgment.
Martie - Actually I love to communicate with women. Men tend to be rather boring and generally shallow. I was raised by a woman who taught me that it is okay to be different and show your feelings and emotions. The macho macho crap is just that. I functioned and led in a man's world primarily as a combat soldier. That doesn't make me a Neanderthal though.
The Frog
Martie - Very well done. Now as to this cheekiness you speak of. Bring it on Babes because I can pitch and I can also catch. The question I always have of a woman, who can usually pitch (dish it out) very well is can you catch (take it back)? Great work.
I leave you with this song. Some need to hear it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXh6wFhzN-8
Jim
AKA The Frog Prince
Lonely men choose to live alone, they won't change their habits, hate being told how and what to do, but the most common problem with men is communication, and living alone cuts them off communication which makes them feel the best.
Interesting responses Martie. I'm going to stick my foot in my mouth (again) and say that I believe many males would be afraid of having to change their habits... being house trained as it were, and that is all part of 'women being demanding' Both men and women get set in their own ways so there is a great deal of compromise and learning to live together in harmony, so it is often simpler to live alone. That is the message that is coming across to me here
I've been in relationships that demanded 'courage and strength', but that's because they were such disasters. Most men and women are actually pretty easy to get along with if we really want to get along.
Of course, there are as many female jerks as there are male jerks, so maybe we should creating a dating service and match them up, so they are all taken. That way, we are guaranteed to pick a good one from the remaining pool!
Very interesting hub, Martie, and the responses you got are pretty fascinating. I never minded living alone but I sure prefer being with Bev.
Hi, Martie. Most of the men who commented do not appear to want to live alone but when forced by circumstances, tend to be reluctant to relinquish their independence. The same goes for women, I believe, in similar circumstances who are able to support themselves.
Martie, words have become your friends. All it takes is being nice to them.
Sista,
Can I just be a hussy and say if that darling little boy up top is living alone, I would like to help him out...
It is wonderful to hear from the guys...with and without their hats!
Please tell Mr B my first paying job was at FWWoolworth and I love his quote...smart man!
Voted UP and very Interesting. Hugs, Maria
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