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Living With Katie ~ my Transgender Husband
How Do I Cope With Being Married to My Transgender Husband??
I've only been married 18 short years. Raising 3 children, working, living, breathing, loving, existing in the same space as my husband for 18 whole years and I never imagined once that he was a woman trapped in a man's body. That is until he blurted it out six months ago. At first I thought he was joking but realised quickly he was deadly serious. My instinctive reaction was to laugh at him and then to instantly regret it. My next reaction was nothing. That part I'm proud of. Not reacting that is. I've spent the better part of my life reacting and succumbing to automatic response and inevitably feeling remorsefull afterwards. I simply shut my mouth and looked at him blankly for a full 2 or 3 minutes. He asked me if I was o.k. and I just nodded. Meanwhile thinking heavens above ... is it o.k.?? I love him of course it's o.k... But I was stunned that I'd never noticed anything at all that might lead me to think he was anything other than the hardworking, footy loving, ball of muscle, ladies man I'd always assumed he was. And there's that hideous little word ~ assumed. The phrase "assume nothing" or that "nothing is ever as it seems" has never taken on such gigantic proportions in my humble opinion.
In my heart I knew from the very minute he told me that it was imperative that he step up and be true to himself and express himself and be just precisely who he needs to be. He was actually the one who turned around and asked me if it was o.k. with me if he pursued this dream of his. A dream, a goal he called it. Honestly, a dream?? A goal?? This shouldn't be either of those two. This should be his right as a living breathing feeling human being. His right to live in his body and love it ..... to wear the clothes he loves.... to express himself just precisely the way that exhilirates him. Of course it's o.k. with me I told him. But no, he was to change his mind nigh on half a dozen times in the next 6 months about pursuing his change or his coming out so to speak. He didn't want to upset the neighbors, his family, his children. He didn't want to ruffle my feathers or embarrass me at all. It's so hard to describe how I felt when he explained this. It was a mixture of anger, rebellion and sadness. What a gentle giant.... such a giving compassionate kind person that he was prepared to sacrifice his health and longevity for his family. I think i felt anger rebellion and sadness because he was actually prepared to just exist in his designated male body and put up with the self loathing and lack of bounce to appease his family, the masses, society, whoever. It was tough explaining to him that if he didn't step up and express himself and simply be the most fabulous him that he ever could be it would surely crush him and rot him from the inside out. He's my soul mate, my other half, my right arm for heavens sake. I wouldn't be able to breathe without him.... regardless of whether he's got a skirt or a shirt and tie on. Ridiculous labels society sets up for people.
I do believe he gets it now. Six times he decided against pursuing the life changing hormones that would ultimately change his appearance from masculine to feminine. And each time he tried to go against the grain he would turn into a grumpy nasty tetchy fool who was entirely odious to be anywhere near. Finally he's come to terms with it and he's on his way. He's wearing his girly pink nickers to work under his greasy overalls and it puts a really big smile on his dial. Next step is to navigate our way around this unbelievably closed minded Government system so that we can get him started on hormones. One step at a time though. At least he's getting excited about it finally and he's a total joy to live with again.
Sure I'm scared but not because of what people are going to think. I honestly couldn't give a flying rats what other people think about our life. The only people who currently know are myself and him and now anybody reading my trials and tribulations knows too. What I'm scared of is how am I going to feel when his body changes?? How am I going to feel when he starts to lose his very muscly physique and starts growing breasts?? How is it really going to impact on me when he has the sex change operation?? I don't know the answers to any of those questions but what I do know is that I truly can't breathe without him and the very best I can do is to take each minute as it comes and just put my best foot forward and help him with all my heart to find himself. Everybody deserves to feel fabulous in their own body.
Of course I'm also nervous about the possibility of having our house or car torched by insular individuals who are completely oblivious to anything other than their opinion and what they want but really and truly ........ what's the point of panicking if it hasn't happened yet.
They say that 99% of what you worry about never eventuates and both of us are big believers in eliminating the brain chatter and rising above the situation with the power of positivity so maybe we will glide through this effortlessly. I do truly believe that we can't change the way other people think or behave and the only way to deal with negativity and hatred from others is to not react and move on ..... thus not feeding their anger. But all of this I'm pre empting.
I'll keep journalling my thoughts for you to read. I'm so gratefull for the life I have, the husband and children I have and for my continuing health and vitality. I figure the least I can do is share my tenuous shaky steps into the unknown with anybody who's interested enough to read it. I might not be anybody spectacular in particular but if nothing else I am brave. So there you go. I'm journally this for my sanity and to illustrate to anybody out there that you need to follow your dreams as my husband puts it. Without dreams life is just breathing.