Living with a Narcissist
Narcissists: They're NEVER wrong! Just ask them.
Definition of Narcissism--Etymology:German Narzissismus, from Narziss Narcissus, from Latin NarcissusDate:1822
: egoism, egocentrism
: love of or sexual desire for one's own body
Okay, having read the definition above, do you know a narcissist? Does someone you know, think they know everything? Do they care more about themselves than their own family or friends? Do they constantly berate every human being on earth, and point out their flaws? Would they choose their own happiness over that of their own wife/husband or children? Are they in denial?
I have been legally married to a narcissist for over a decade. I've finally gained my own personal strength to rid myself of him, but his abuse and its affects will haunt me for years to come!
It's not only that the narcissist makes every other human being seem worthless, but it's also about their constant need for approval. On any given day in my 12+ year marriage, H (hubby) would thrust upon me, his "ideals". If his ideals were not agreed upon by me (or anyone else for that matter), I would be called retarded, stupid, a loser, and many other disgusting names. He would repeat his thoughts on whatever subject, over and over and over and over and over and over, until I would either just give in or until I would actually begin to believe him!
At several points in our relationship, H made me believe that everyone in the world, besides him, was out to get me. He had me in such a puddle of despair, not even a pirate could lead me out of its depths. I had believed that my family members did not love me, that I never had any real friends that cared about me, that my kids would never want to live alone with me because I could never give them everything they wanted, that HIS family was so perfect and righteous, that every doctor was a scam artist so I didn't need to see one for anything, that every therapist was out for money and nothing else (therefore he kept me from the counseling that I needed), that every teacher was an idiot, that every gas-station worker was a waste of space, that our own children would suffer--because of me!
Not only did I believe these things for many years but he also had me believing that he was the only true person in the world! He even went as far as to say that no matter who died in his family, even his mother, he would not shed a tear. He would not care. And he has a good relationship with his family, or did. It doesn't make sense!
H could talk me in circles with no end in sight. I would make a good point to defend myself, and he would talk in circles until I believed that what he was saying, was the real truth. Just to keep an argument going, he would revisit events that had happened literally ten years before. Like the fact that I went out and had a couple drinks with my mother after our first child was born...that was 11 years ago and he'll still bring that up in an argument! He'll use anything he can, to get under my skin, so that I'll argue with him and eventually fold into his way of thinking. I usually did too.
Another thing that was a constant was the fact that he would (and still does) bring up anything he could, to make himself look good/great! Nearly every day of our marriage he would come home from work and tell me how each and every person that works for him, would tell him how great he was. How his boss would tell him that he's un-matchable, that nobody could do his job, and that he was the best at what he does. H takes every opportunity he can, to isolate me so that I have to believe what he's telling me. Who would I ask? If I questioned him, who would have the true answers? Nobody, because he made sure that I was all alone in the world. He'd keep me under lock and key for days, weeks, years, and then during an argument say, "What proof do you have?" "Who does that?" How could I answer that when I knew nothing about anyone!?
Narcissists will do nearly anything to isolate the people close to them, and to always be right! God forbid they're ever wrong about something, you'll never hear that from a narcissist. It was someone else's fault that, not theirs. "I'm not wrong, they are." The sad thing is, they're so witty and sly, they can usually make you believe them.
H chooses to run around with his friends and do drugs and be abusive, over spending time with his own children. In many ways I'm happy about that because our kids can't be themselves around him anyway. In H's eyes, any music except what he likes, is gay, any hobbies someone likes, are boring and stupid. In fact, he'll condemn other people incessantly for something that he himself does, but he always has an excuse for why it's okay that HE does it. H has told me for years that one girlfriend of mine (that I tried to have a friendship with) was a druggie and a big loser because she did drugs and hung out with a guy H didn't like (go figure)...but H was literally on drugs at the time and hung out with this other guy many times!! What is that about?
I've left H about 8 times. Finally this time I was the one that came out ahead because HE was living at MY house. But every time we've been separated, he comes back to me like nothing ever happened. I've always voiced my feelings so he can never say that I didn't communicate. In fact this last time I told him point-blank, "I don't love you anymore and I want you to leave." After that and after I had to call the cops to make him leave, he still comes over here every day, trying to flirt with me and acts like nothing happened. Nearly every day I have to kick him out all over again! I can barely stand this anymore!
For two years we've been legally separated. He refuses to sign divorce papers unless I give him joint custody of our children. I can't remember if I stated this already, but he's always told me that he won't pay ME child support. He has been paying it for a year and a half, but the same day that I kicked him out this last time, he got himself fired from a job that he's had for 9 years! Just so he wouldn't have to pay ME child support, and so he could "...sit around like you (meaning me) do all day."
If you're living with someone who possesses these characteristics, I'm telling you to get out while you can! It took me 8 times and it may take you more, but leave! You'll never have a mind of your own if you don't. How lonely of an existence would that be?
I'm ready to get out into the dating world but scared to death that I'll run into another "charmer" like H was...........
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