Looking Forward from the Past
Learning from the past before moving on
As I stated in my last hub, I haven't dated, haven't had a serious relationship since my divorce became final in March of 2012. What I have done though, is take the time to try and ascertain what my part in the dissolution of my marriage and past relationships have been. I know that I can't hope to find someone who I want to spend a significant amount of time with, if I don't know what I want from myself. So I am in what is known as an "in the meantime" phase. I'm literally and figuratively cleaning out my house. I'm starting with cleaning out papers that cluttered the house, either shredding old important documents or just throwing the junk mail away.
I'm doing these things because I need to get to the bottom of some of my issues before I can truly move on from my past to something better than what I had before. I've decided I'm not going to be one of those people that tries to move on before I'm really ready. I know people who dwell on past loves and so therefore those that are coming into their lives or who are already in their lives, even if just as a friend, get the feeling of being second best, not good enough. It's sad because the new people coming in have shown they care more, want to be there for them, and give them everything they want and need but only want these things from the past love, who for whatever reason doesn't desire the one dwelling any longer, or they have too many other things going on to realize what's in front of them until it's too late. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that the one I should have been with was there all along, but is no longer available because they moved on with their life because I was too busy being stuck in the past.
So as I clean out my house literally, I'm cleaning out my inner house by peeling back layers little by little to reveal to myself things that have been long buried, and just covered over but never really healed. Old hurts are coming to the surface, and as I deal with the old issues, I'm also seeing the people in my life in a new light. There are those that I thought were friends, really aren't or are the kind of friend you once could talk to about anything, but because of some changes within yourself, you notice that they don't listen to you all that well, and every conversation turns into one about them. There are also those that I wasn't so sure about who are turning into better friends, because of some common denominators that have been discovered.
I'm trying to take each day as it comes, I'm owning my errors, both past and present, I'm learning to accept who I am, and I really like who I am and the path that I'm on. I think I may be finally growing up. I am realizing I am a phenomenal woman, who can take pride in both my past and present, and also look forward to the future.
Only time will tell how it will all sort out, but as I attempt to keep the dark clouds at bay, I like what I see. I have also accepted that there will be dark days, and that is only natural. I know that the dark days are beneficial as well. The dark days help us appreciate the light all that much more.