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Looking for Love? How to Attract a Mate

Updated on February 12, 2010

Finding an attractive mate starts with being one. If you're focusing on looking rather than attracting, then you need to take a step back and re-focus.

It's also more important to look first at your inter-personal qualities before looking at your external ones.

As we learn how to be attractive to others, people will become more drawn to us. The key is in understanding just how to be attractive to others.

If you're paying attention to others around you, you will notice that people are attracted to happy, secure people, not unsettled complainers.

People also get 'vibes' from one another and if you're subconsciously giving off a certain negative vibe, you will need to correct it.

What About YOU?

So, let's start with YOU. Are you happy? If not, ask yourself why not. If your answer immediately is 'I'm unhappy because I'm lonely and want someone to be with', then this is your first indication that you need do some serious work on yourself. This is the most important aspect because you're looking to be fulfilled by a person and not through life itself. Also, you will always end up looking to a person or people to continually make you happy, which is sure to disappoint.

The first thing you will want to do is examine yourself and learn about the areas that are making you unhappy and unfulfilled in your life, understanding that it's important to seek fulfillment through the interaction of giving to others rather than seeking to gain from others. When we are not seeking to fill the emotional needs of other people or make deposits in their life, we are often making withdrawals instead.

Basic Needs of Men and Women

Each of us have basic needs, with men and women each having very different and very specific needs. The following list is taken from the book, 'His Needs, Her Needs' by Dr. Willard Harley and are the typical basic needs of a man and a woman.

A man’s most basic needs are:

♂ Admiration

♂ Recreational Companionship

♂ An Attractive Mate

♂ Domestic Support

♂ Sexual Fulfillment

A woman’s most basic needs are:

♀ Affection

♀ Conversation

♀ Honesty and Openness

♀ Family Commitment

♀ Financial Support


Physical vs. Emotional

A man's basic needs typically are more external and physical than a woman's, though the man's is rooted in his ego. The woman's basic needs are typically more emotional and rooted in her ability to serve. Admiration then, becomes important to a man and appreciation more important to a woman. Also each basic need that is listed above goes hand-in-hand with the opposite sex's other basic need.

For example, as a man shows care and concern for his female companion during a recreational encounter - say at a football game - she will in turn have the desire to express her interest in being with him more often during those same type of encounters, often expressing more of an interest in the game itself, etc.

As our different needs are more and more fulfilled by a specific person, we begin to associate pleasure with that person. Also, the more a person shows encouragement and support, the more attraction toward that person we become. This expression acts as a powerful magnet because they are filling emotional needs inside of us. The intensity of this attraction continues to grow as mutual care and concern is expressed.

However, if they (or you) are not doing things that warrant admiration, appreciation, etc., then you cannot expect to receive the fulfillment of your own needs in return. Therefore, it's important to have the ability to express and meet another person's needs before you can expect others to express their ability to meet yours. Remember too, that it is with sincerity that you must express concern for others because if you're only attempting to meet a need in order to receive, you will not truly be meeting a need and it will backfire.

In Summary

So, in summary and as an example, if a man is unable to offer a sincere, listening ear (without distractions), thereby creating a deposit for a woman, he cannot expect for a woman to continue to express her interest in some of his basic needs or activities, making a deposit in return. This especially holds true for men who are married and desire to have an active sexual life. If you, the man, are unable to show true affection and tenderness toward a woman all day long and not just in bed, then you cannot expect a woman to express her love back to you through sexual activity.

The idea is that it all has to start with you expressing the ability to meet another persons needs if you want to become attractive to others. As soon as someone stops expressing this ability, they no longer possess that attractiveness.

So, if you are seeking a mate, remember that it has to start with you and the ability to meet another persons needs in order to attract others. Your goal then, in order to become an attractive person, is through the development of your own ability to express and meet other people's needs. As this becomes your focus, others will naturally be drawn to you.

As a side note here, the ability to listen to others and meet their needs also holds true when you're just looking to make new friends!


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    • kaloomba profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago


      I can respect your feelings that you don't agree with the woman's basic needs... However, the Psychologist that wrote the book 'His Needs, Her Needs', (which is where the list came from) has counseled thousands of couples and through scientific study with his peers, he discovered this list of basic (core) needs for both the men and women.

      Also, this list was meant as a guide to understanding the opposite sex and is not exhaustive. It also doesn't mean that there aren't a few people out there that deviate some from this list.

      (You never mentioned your own sexual identity... I question why?)

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      i don't agree with what u wrote about women's basic need. they are basic needs for a woman of 80 age ofcourse.

    • Chris EastMan profile image

      Chris EastMan 

      8 years ago

      Dear writer,

      You have wrote very stronge details the friendship and attractions. really good one, i like and appreaciate.thanks

    • Kenny MG profile image

      MR Black 

      9 years ago from UK, Europe

      This is powerful stuff, I as an advisor constantly incorporates these important ideals into teenagers and families. Holliwood, the fashion industry and glossy magazines sell us much externality which is the root cause of relationship breakdowns. I try to shift their focus from the external attraction to the intrinsic worth of a person, for all Gods, creatures have the capacity to love, both giving and receiving. However a person can be the most beautiful externally, but with no sexual attraction and rotten on the inside. When physical attraction goes what they are left with is a battle field and years of pain. Some of the people the movie and fashion industry discarded because their face or body did not fit are considered the most beautiful and sexual creatures God ever made. No wonder some people say, "beauty is skin deep" and that "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder", and even so society tries to sell us images which in their eyes are beautiful. They try to sell us thin, barely skin and bones as super models and ideal for men, yet research shows men prefer fuller bodied women. The marriage rate will only increase when we teach our children the value of intrinsic rather extrinsic worth of a person. External looks will sell magazines, sex and movies, up to a certain point or until her skin starts to show age and wrinkles, but internal values last for a lifetime. Finding your mate at this deep level, beautify both your lives, society and the precious flowers of your offspring, your children will call you blessed.


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