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Losing Your Children to An Ex

Updated on March 8, 2016
This is a very debilitating experience.  But DO NOT LOSE HOPE.
This is a very debilitating experience. But DO NOT LOSE HOPE.

Losing one's children through relationship struggles

There is almost nothing that is as emotionally debilitating than losing your children to your ex. Emotions of self-worth drop way below the radar and the suffering is tremendous beyond what anyone who has not experienced this could ever possibly even begin to comprehend.

Beware of taking on the victim stance though. This is not the time to pity yourself. This is the time to act. It is difficult to act when feeling paralyzed by gripping depression which sets in when desperately missing your own children and feeling helpless in your ability to care for them, protect them, and participate in helping them to enjoy a better future.

However, you must at this point become a true survivor. You must focus your life and your efforts in a new way on your children such as you would not have realized the need to do in the past.

The legal system is not always fair to say the least. People who would make the lives of their children better are often the ones who are prevented from spending time with their children. The old saying "the squeaky wheel gets the oil" is a good example of this because often it is not the best person who is the one that screams the loudest. More often than not the opposite is true.

The person who has the most access to legal help is often not the best person in the scenario. Also, the person who has the most available time to spend on pursuing all the steps involved in really causing harm to both their children and their ex is usually both the one who is most successful in the custody battle, as well as the one who is least worthy of taking care of the children.

Of course it's true that children need someone who has time to spend with them and so the above is not always the case, but alternatively the parent who is most responsible and working hard to keep a roof over the children's heads and food in their mouths is often the one who loses the opportunity to be as involved as they should be allowed to be in their children's lives.

People say all kinds of things about the law, but in the end it really comes down to each scenario being different and so many times the bottom line is just a traumatically broken hearted parent and a child deprived of the benefits of having one or both of the parents who actually cares for them regularly involved in their lives, leaving them to spend the rest of their life with many questions and insecurities as a result.

So if you are the losing party in a scenario and your children are not with you nearly as often as you would like or even at all - You must focus on making sure your life revolves around being free from reproach even when it seems this is much more difficult while you are suffering and perhaps attempting to distract yourself from the pain. You must not allow yourself to feel entirely hopeless if you have not truly searched through every possible option for any way of potentially getting legal assistance or legal aid.

This may mean using your work breaks or lunches to make phone calls asking every person who knows anything about the law how you can get the help you need to fight for your children.

There is no way to list here all of the possible ways to work to make such a situation better and no way to even begin to describe the level of pain a parent stranded away from their children experiences and no way to begin to detail the many ways this causes the children suffering, particularly when the parents are using the children as pawns to get revenge against their exes.

However, the basics of dealing with such a situation are:

  • Do everything you can to lead a decent and upstanding life and continue this for as many years as it takes.
  • Reach out to every resource you can possibly think of and every resource you are directed to for help
  • If you fall down from the pain of it all, simply brush yourself off and get back up as quickly as you can and do not let one fall hold you down if at all possible.
  • Do everything you can to make sure your children know you miss them and want to be with them - Not in a way that will make them feel worse, or guilty, or depressed, but in a way that will make them feel loved such as writing them simple letters telling them you love them. If you are allowed to talk to them on the phone make yourself talk to them every day if you can so they at least get to hear your voice and have you in their life that way. When you talk to them keep it positive and loving and don't stoop to manipulative levels like your ex might be doing.
  • If you can email them, send them emails letting them know you love them and are always there for them and always thinking of them and proud of them.
  • If it has to be snail mail, make it so.
  • Find ways to be as financially supportive directly to your children as possible and if you find yourself legally obligated to pay your ex, even if you know the money is not going to help your children, simply pay your ex the minimum amount legally required in order to keep yourself out of jail if you can at all do this and then spend whatever you can afford to either directly make sure your children are cared for or to save for the time when you can directly use that money to make sure they have a better life.
  • If you can talk to a counselor or therapist to help you get through this time or anyone who specializes in helping parents who are separated from their children, take advantage of this opportunity.
  • Also, try your best to get rest and to eat properly if at all possible because it will help you survive through until the day when you finally get to be with your children again.


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