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Losing a Child- aftermath

Updated on July 15, 2016
My first born Kim.
My first born Kim.

Losing a Child

By Tony DeLorger © 2011

Staring into the mirror, my pale and lifeless exterior draped haplessly over weathered bone, was suddenly repugnant. A sallow weak complexion with bruised mottled flesh surrounded receding eyes, dark and cavernous. No glint of purpose or sign of hope emerged from this manikin-like effigy. Where was I? Had I fallen to sorrow so deeply there was no recognition, no connection left.

Love so sublime wreaked havoc with my memory, so pure and singular this child, torn from my loving arms and for what? How can God be so cruel; to suffer the promise of life’s sweet allure and then to be found wanting, discarded; a soul left like a gentle flower bud unfurled.

Although anger ceased me, I cannot muster hate, the strength no longer obtainable. I breathed but wanted not. Numbness prevails, like an ethereal cloak, cutting me off from the world with which I am contending. No sustenance, no thirst enticed me, nothing living holds any promise. I slump into a seat of stone, cold and hard, my mind projecting past like an old black-and-white projector, the spools flickering in the dim light of my mind.

Images flow like water, first a trickle, her face smiling filled with life, then torrents of memory rush by, their montage images like pinpricks, torturing my mind with excruciating pain. I try to alleviate the onslaught by grasping my chair, my lips quivering with emotion. I cannot cry; I am bound up like a mummy, rotting from the inside out. I want to be with her, I want to feel her precious heartbeat against me. How can I live without her?

I am writhing in physical pain, my nerves suddenly on edge overwhelming me with reality. I want, I cannot, I breathe, I refuse, but still life keeps me to her bosom, stroking my brow like a relentless mother. I struggle and refuse temperance, I blister from betrayal. The torture is more than I can bear.

My throat closes on unswallowed bitter truth. I am but flesh on shallow foundations, begging for release. God won’t help me, and for all the kindness of family their thoughts can in no way abate my fears and torment. No loving hand but Kim’s’ could alter my pain. If I should die this moment, my heart would soar, to be with her again. But I shall not; I am bound to this reality.

They say with time shall pain subside, I can only hope that is true. But for me my angel of angels can in no way be replaced in life, her delicate soul a part of me forever. I can only hope that one day we will find one another, touch hands and know what our short time has meant.

Never shall I leave her, her beauty, her acceptance and her unconditional love. And never shall I forget, not one second of pain or laughter or hope dashed. In my memory she will always be there, my child, my soul.


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    • Tony DeLorger profile image

      Tony DeLorger 4 years ago from Adelaide, South Australia

      Thank you for your kindness Susan. Sharing one's pain is a good way to deal with it as well as helping others who are going through a similar experience. I'm sure your friend very much appreciated your tribute. Take care.

    • Mekenzie profile image

      Susan Ream 4 years ago from Michigan

      Your raw and personal account of loosing your precious Kim was painful just to read. The battle of brutal emotions was palpable in your writing.

      I have a friend who lost two of her babies. I wrote a tribute to her on a Mother's Day - my heart ached and I longed so much to comfort her and to lift the pain - which you know I could not.

      I posted it here on hubpages and it made her so happy. Her deep desire is that her children will never be forgotten - I knew that and my writing was my way of honoring her and remembering her precious babies.

      God bless you Tony - I respect the deep love in your Father's heart. You are a gifted writer,


    • Tony DeLorger profile image

      Tony DeLorger 6 years ago from Adelaide, South Australia

      Thanks for your kind words mdcgardner. Time heals all wounds but the memories are forever.

    • mdcgardner profile image

      mdcgardner 6 years ago

      Great hub. Being someone who has suffered miscarriages and things of that sort, I know it is difficult to pick up and move on. I can only imagine how much harder it would have been had I been able to lay eyes on my little one. So sorry for your loss, glad to hear that you are in some ways coping with it.

    • Tony DeLorger profile image

      Tony DeLorger 6 years ago from Adelaide, South Australia

      You're right, adaption is more eloquent. If I think about Kim for more than a minute I well up and always have. She died some thirty years ago. The daily pain subsides but the loss never does. That's why it is so important to focus on the love you shared; it gives ourpose to the loss and keep that special connection. Thanks for reading Fennelseed.

    • Fennelseed profile image

      Annie Fenn 6 years ago from Australia

      I am so sorry for your loss. They say to lose a child is the hardest loss to bare. I would agree with that. Something within you withers up and dies also and without that something I doubt that you are ever whole again.

      "My throat closes on unswallowed bitter truth. I am but flesh on shallow foundations, begging for release".

      Tony, you are an amazing writer. You are able to convey feelings that I didn't think there were words or expressions for. You have described your pain and the depth of that pain so clearly and I hear and connect with every word.

      People say that time heals. I doubt that that is entirely true, as I don't think grief and healing are words that go together. Maybe adapt is a better word as the "bitter truth", stays with you forever, it's more like adapting to live with that truth.

      I hope that writing provides a release for you. I am looking forward to reading more of your amazing hubs. Thank you for sharing.

      Warm wishes


    • Tony DeLorger profile image

      Tony DeLorger 6 years ago from Adelaide, South Australia

      Thanks for your kind words KoffeeKlatch Gals. Hope you can read some more of my work.

    • KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

      Susan Haze 6 years ago from Sunny Florida

      Tony, my heart goes out to you. There is nothing like the pain of losing a child. I can tell you from experience that you will never forget your child but the pain will dull in time. They will always be with you in your heart and your memories.

    • Tony DeLorger profile image

      Tony DeLorger 6 years ago from Adelaide, South Australia

      Thanks for your kind thoughts Jaye, and thanks for dropping by.

    • JayeWisdom profile image

      Jaye Denman 6 years ago from Deep South, USA

      Tony...I am so sorry. No matter how much time goes by, she will always be in your heart and soul. I hope the pain has lessened enough that the good memories of your child can be a balm to you. God bless....JAYE

    • Tony DeLorger profile image

      Tony DeLorger 6 years ago from Adelaide, South Australia

      Thanks HattieMattieMae, for your comment and also for following. Take care.

    • HattieMattieMae profile image

      HattieMattieMae 6 years ago from Limburg, Netherlands

      Beautifully written, and memory to always hold close to your heart!

    • No_Clue profile image

      No_Clue 7 years ago

      That is often the way it goes...

    • Tony DeLorger profile image

      Tony DeLorger 7 years ago from Adelaide, South Australia

      Thanks both for your kindness. It was a long time ago now, but there's not a day I do not think of her. It was truly a dark time in my life, but I have grown so much from that experience.

    • tnderhrt23 profile image

      tnderhrt23 7 years ago

      I too am sorry, Tony. This is a heart wrenching read. I pray for God's divine consolation to embrace you and Kim's mom!

    • No_Clue profile image

      No_Clue 7 years ago

      OMG, Tony, I am so sorry! What a deeply seering, painful write! I truly believe this is the greatest pain a parent can have...beyond my comprehension...again, I am so sorry!