Losing a Child- aftermath
Losing a Child
By Tony DeLorger © 2011
Staring into the mirror, my pale and lifeless exterior draped haplessly over weathered bone, was suddenly repugnant. A sallow weak complexion with bruised mottled flesh surrounded receding eyes, dark and cavernous. No glint of purpose or sign of hope emerged from this manikin-like effigy. Where was I? Had I fallen to sorrow so deeply there was no recognition, no connection left.
Love so sublime wreaked havoc with my memory, so pure and singular this child, torn from my loving arms and for what? How can God be so cruel; to suffer the promise of life’s sweet allure and then to be found wanting, discarded; a soul left like a gentle flower bud unfurled.
Although anger ceased me, I cannot muster hate, the strength no longer obtainable. I breathed but wanted not. Numbness prevails, like an ethereal cloak, cutting me off from the world with which I am contending. No sustenance, no thirst enticed me, nothing living holds any promise. I slump into a seat of stone, cold and hard, my mind projecting past like an old black-and-white projector, the spools flickering in the dim light of my mind.
Images flow like water, first a trickle, her face smiling filled with life, then torrents of memory rush by, their montage images like pinpricks, torturing my mind with excruciating pain. I try to alleviate the onslaught by grasping my chair, my lips quivering with emotion. I cannot cry; I am bound up like a mummy, rotting from the inside out. I want to be with her, I want to feel her precious heartbeat against me. How can I live without her?
I am writhing in physical pain, my nerves suddenly on edge overwhelming me with reality. I want, I cannot, I breathe, I refuse, but still life keeps me to her bosom, stroking my brow like a relentless mother. I struggle and refuse temperance, I blister from betrayal. The torture is more than I can bear.
My throat closes on unswallowed bitter truth. I am but flesh on shallow foundations, begging for release. God won’t help me, and for all the kindness of family their thoughts can in no way abate my fears and torment. No loving hand but Kim’s’ could alter my pain. If I should die this moment, my heart would soar, to be with her again. But I shall not; I am bound to this reality.
They say with time shall pain subside, I can only hope that is true. But for me my angel of angels can in no way be replaced in life, her delicate soul a part of me forever. I can only hope that one day we will find one another, touch hands and know what our short time has meant.
Never shall I leave her, her beauty, her acceptance and her unconditional love. And never shall I forget, not one second of pain or laughter or hope dashed. In my memory she will always be there, my child, my soul.