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Love, Sex, Women & Age

Updated on June 23, 2010

Advice to Men

Ever notice how women's motivations about sex tend to follow a pattern of: attracting a mate (love), child-bearing (reproduction) and pleasure?  Love, reproduction and pleasure - it's not so much which is most important to women in general, but rather it's a sort of chronological priority.

That is, it seems that to women in their teens and 20's, it's about finding a mate and falling in love, in their 20's and 30's, it's about having a family, and later in life, it's about pleasure.  Not surprisingly, this chronological order of priority seems to follow whether in one relationship with a man or multiple relationships.

I think I'm like other men - we're pretty simple and stupid when it comes to women and sex.  we're inclined to think, oh yeah - falling in love, having children, sexual pleasure - they all come as a package, right?  We think that sex and love entail all of the above and they're all mixed in to together.  How silly are we?

Why would anyone think that love is just as important a part of sex, or just as much a priority in sexual affection at 50 as it was at 20?  Or just as important two, three or fifteen years into a relationship as it was in the beginning?   Men - wake up!  You've been around awhile - all that time women spent persuading you of the love-sex connection when you were 19 or 26, or whatever, was all just a joke - why weren't you laughing the whole time? 

Was it because the minute you laughed - the sex came to an end?  Well, that's your fault.  When she said you needed to show more love for sex to be good - she meant it!  And now that you're older, or have been in a relationship for a long time, when she tells you to forget about loving her - you're there for her pleasure - she means that too!!  So why are you confused? 

And know this - the minute you try to flip it around and be the way she tells you that you need to be now, you will be wrong again - you stupid man - what don't you get?

Ladies - Can we Talk?

OK, now that we're getting the men straightened, girls, can we have a little chat? I would never dare say this to my own wife, lover, girlfriend, sister, daughter, etc., but hey - we are just buds on hubpages and you probably won't punish me for being honest with you, right? I can only hope - but here goes:

Ponder a moment...what if you were right when you were 22 - what if sex really IS about love - and commitment - and all those crazy romantic dreams you thought about then. You know, things like "growing old together", watching sunsets, laughing with your grandkids, knowing there was ONE person in the world who would ALWAYS be there for you - not like your kids, your parents, your friends, etc. - a MATE, a true companion and life partner. What if...?

Oh yeah, it's true, you tried that and got hurt. What a waste of emotions, and a dreadful loss of dreams. Who needs that??? Well...maybe you do.

What?!? How dare I say such a thing? Well, come on, did you not take years after that lost love, divorce, death - whatever caused you to part ways with the one you thought was your life partner - to consider what went wrong? And didn't you realize it wasn't that you were too much in love with that person??? Seriously, wasn't it something else?

Like those beautiful children you would have together? Or all the money he would make and the big house you would live in? Think hard, did it go wrong because of love and commitment, or did it lose it's enticement when those needs once satisfied no longer fulfilled?

Did sex lose its meaning when you "grew" beyond love and commitment as its primary purpose, and shifted to having babies and financial security? Either those needs were met, or more likely, at least the latter seemed to go unfulfilled, and hopeless.

So what did you choose to do with that? Go back to love and commitment? Or did you try to find another, more fulfilling reason for all this sexual vitality and energy that seemed wasted on a relationship where he didn't or couldn't love or commit to you the way you needed, and then didn't or couldn't provide the financial security that was supposed to come with being a good mother and reliable mate?

So, as a woman, if men were consistently getting pleasure from sex, and as you pass by your childbearing years, suddenly your hormones enable more pleasure for you too - why not pursue sexual fulfillment through sexual pleasure? That's all there really is anyway, right?

Perhaps - but I don't think so. How many women do you know who have had a really great one night, one week, or even one year "stand" - where she felt fulfilled sexually like she never did before? My guess is that you have more than one friend at least who's had that experience. BUT - did it last? How did it end? How does she feel now?

As a man I could be wrong, but in my experience, show me a woman whose satisfaction in a relationship is based first and foremost on her sexual pleasure, and I will show you a woman who is headed for more heartbreak, depression and a long road of looking for Mr. Right all over again. Now show me a woman who is very much in love and committed to a life with her mate, and I will show you a woman who finds sex rewarding on a whole different level.

I'm no genius about this or anything else. This is a very old story told many times over. It's just the way things work. So consider that maybe you were wrong (OUCH!) - but maybe it's true that going from love to reproduction to pleasure isn't the path to fulfillment you sought. Maybe it's more like a path from love, back to love .

I mean think about this - just because the first "Mr. Right" didn't love and commit the way he should have - does not mean that the guy who really loves you and IS committed is "Mr. Wrong".

Or consider this - what if, God forbid, the man in your life actually has it right when it comes to sex and fulfillment? That jerk, who easily reaches orgasm every single time you have sex - has found that what's more rewarding to him - and I mean much more rewarding to him - is that the woman he's so attracted to, he can't help but go over the edge when they make love - means a lot more to him - and the sex means a lot more to him because he loves her and is committed to building the best life he can with her. In other words, attraction, love, sex, pleasure - it's all connected - and if there is a baby in the mix - well to him, probably that's just the fruit of a whole lot of love.

So what's wrong with that? Is he bad because he loves you so much he "gets off" with you whenever you're intimate? Or because you don't?

I've heard "men are worthless", because they don't always meet women's sexual pleasure needs. Maybe that's backward, maybe women don't get their pleasure needs met, because they separate the sex from it's real meaning. Maybe the pleasure is meant to be a dividend added on to something that's already good!

But then again, maybe I'm wrong - after all, I am still a man.


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    • profile image

      Rachel 5 years ago

      Very interesting read. I like it when you said "Maybe the pleasure is meant to be a dividend added on to something that's already good!" Isn't that what it is all about!

      This one is very good too. "Is he bad because he loves you so much he "gets off" with you whenever you're intimate? Or because you don't?"

      No, he isn't bad, he is a loving man.

      Good hub, I enjoyed hearing that someone had it right!! Good one

    • emdi profile image

      emdi 6 years ago

      This was a very interesting read. I enjoyed :-)

    • equealla profile image

      equealla 7 years ago from Pretoria, South Africa

      We do not have a problem, we're both celibate (joke)

      Quite honestly, I read your article, because I like your way of making an argument and stay with relevant facts.

      This was a very interesting read, I must admit. Usually I shy away from anything written about the subject. The reason being the diverse ammount of arguments makes me confused, and I do not want to be confused.

      I guess I am lucky, things work just fine for us both. Why complicate it with ideas from outside.

      This article is a mouthfull, and gives need to be objective, though. I think it will help a lot of people to be more introspective, and improve their quility of life.